Letting Go Part II

[HeavyD]

So I just spent about an hour talking on the phone - some good some just ok. We ironed a few things out. I was very very cordial and emailed her some info she wanted for the kids yearbooks.

D is still full speed ahead on her side anyway. She really was upset that I hired a l and said that move "put us back to square 1". She actually said "I didn't get a choice in the process". The irony was lost on her but sadly not to me.

She still thinks she can steamroller me into getting what she wants. She is again playing the you won't get the kids card. Sigh.

I am unsure if she thinks I am stupid or gullible.

[HeavyD]

So even after a good long talk and a bunch of friendly email exchanges, I still feel manipulated. She had the A, wants the D, doesn't want me to have my own L, is upset that I have my own L and is again threatning me with losing my kids (which is not possible in CA). I just let her talk and again validated. I did not argue at all. I did do a lot of mimicking just to ensure I heard correctly.

I am giving her what she wants - the D, I have set her free, dropped the rope all of that. I am very sad about it yet, she dos not acknowledge the hurt in any of us, the devastation that she has reaped on our family. She just does not get it.

Maybe she never will and I will just have to accept that. Maybe that's the key, just accept her for what she is and not for who I thought she was (Wife and Mother). Maybe that's not who she wants to be.

She acts like all of this pain just fell from the sky and landed on our heads and she had NOTHING to do with it. She just does not see it from my view point and I don't see it from hers.

Cest la vie.

She is mad that I won't let her come into the family home - she moved out in October and told me how much she hated me, never loved me, the house was a prison, etc... Now she wants to come in and vist when she feels like it. I am just not there yet. I did go in her apt once and it was a DIASTER. She did come in the house once and it was another DIASTER. She rummaged through the kitchen and bathroom like she still lived here. It ticked me off although I did not say anything. I just don't think we are ready for that yet.

[HeavyD]

Here is her text response to our talk and email exchanges:

ME

Thanks for the good convo - I hope you agree that it was helpful and cordial. Can we have any future discussions like this?

WW

I'd like that. It's what I have wanted for a very long time.

ME

Then let's try to keep it up - both of us. I will try to do my part

WW

I will too



So are you guys happy now? She is still in A, has blown our family and finances up and wants to take the kids from me, has thrown me under the bus, Agghhhhhhhh!!!! What else do I have to do for this person?

P.S. She is very angry that this process is "taking so long". "We could have been over by now if you hadn't hired your L". I said yes, the legal system is slow and I don't have any control over it. She wants me to fire my lawyer and go back to mediation.

Aint gonna happen sports fans.

[Cadet]

So even after a good long talk and a bunch of friendly email exchanges, I still feel manipulated. She had the A, wants the D, doesn't want me to have my own L, is upset that I have my own L and is again threatning me with losing my kids (which is not possible in CA). I just let her talk and again validated. I did not argue at all. I did do a lot of mimicking just to ensure I heard correctly.

I am giving her what she wants - the D, I have set her free, dropped the rope all of that. I am very sad about it yet, she dos not acknowledge the hurt in any of us, the devastation that she has reaped on our family. She just does not get it.

Maybe she never will and I will just have to accept that. Maybe that's the key, just accept her for what she is and not for who I thought she was (Wife and Mother). Maybe that's not who she wants to be.

She acts like all of this pain just fell from the sky and landed on our heads and she had NOTHING to do with it. She just does not see it from my view point and I don't see it from hers.

Cest la vie.

She is mad that I won't let her come into the family home - she moved out in October and told me how much she hated me, never loved me, the house was a prison, etc... Now she wants to come in and vist when she feels like it. I am just not there yet. I did go in her apt once and it was a DIASTER. She did come in the house once and it was another DIASTER. She rummaged through the kitchen and bathroom like she still lived here. It ticked me off although I did not say anything. I just don't think we are ready for that yet.

I read this - then thought you should re-read YOUR title.
Follow that advice.

Also what you wrote above is good

Maybe she never will and I will just have to accept that. Maybe that's the key, just accept her for what she is and not for who I thought she was (Wife and Mother). Maybe that's not who she wants to be.

Overall not too bad, IMHO.

Again overall, continue to follow your title's advice

[HeavyD]

Another day friends

Another round with lawyer to play this game I don't want to play.

I didn't sleep well , anxiety mounting over WW comments about me dropping my lawyer and how we could have been divorced already if I didn't hire him.

So much anger, so much manipulation, so many lies, so so much of everything that has to be her way. She wants me to "own this" and I don't know what that means. I think it means she wants me to own hiring a lawyer for me and putting us in this mess. She is still pushing for what she wants which is everything.

Anytjme the convo drifted to our marriage she was very very negative about it and how awful and dyafunctional it was. She keeps saying that I poisoning the kids against her. At this point I don't even argue with her just sigh.

It is strange to talk to her over kid issues but not about legal issues (for the most part). Talk about elephant in the room.

Once again, in her mind her affair Is not the reason for the split - just a coincidence. That is hard to listen to as well.

I can talk to her about anything regarding the kids but anything legal is a no unless I want to go back to mediation.

Stay tuned and prayers are accepted

[RealMe]

Disengage her for a bit. Make it a goal. How about for the rest of the week and weekend?

You have very little precious energy in your tank right now and you are using it on communication with her instead of using it on yourself.

Detaching is not going dark. Detaching is not giving up.

I've read all of your posts now and I feel like encouraging you to just stop for a second, breathe, and take a time out. Not for her my friend....for you.

[Wonka]

Heavy,

I sense that you are feeling mighty frustrated and sad at the turn of events with the latest convos with W. Don't blame ya at all.

So are you guys happy now? She is still in A, has blown our family and finances up and wants to take the kids from me, has thrown me under the bus, Agghhhhhhhh!!!! What else do I have to do for this person?

It is not a matter of US being happy here...it was FOR you. Nothing needs to be done for W. She is on her own path. All you can do is continue drinking the STFU Smoothie (to borrow from Cali) and conduct yourself with honor, dignity and integrity. Walking on the high road alone is lonely at times. I get that.

So much anger, so much manipulation, so many lies, so so much of everything that has to be her way. She wants me to "own this" and I don't know what that means. I think it means she wants me to own hiring a lawyer for me and putting us in this mess. She is still pushing for what she wants which is everything.

She's blaming YOU for this mess that SHE created. Ohhh...the sheer irony. Don't take it personally. It is her MLC-OW addled mind speaking here.

Yeah, I get the sense that she wants you to roll over and give away the Kent Farm to her. Sheeeesh! Stick to your guns about the L. She needs to "own" this too....blew up the M and the family unilaterally. It's on her.

Anytjme the convo drifted to our marriage she was very very negative about it and how awful and dyafunctional it was.

Have you thought about applying emotional aikido to W here? A bit of emotional jujstu. Agree with W that your M was crappy and all that jazz. Then sit back and watch. Your W will be flummoxed and will start to defend the good parts of the M. Genius, eh?

[HeavyD]

Hahaha

Emotional jujstu - I can't wait to try that one out.

I am disengaging today - much work at the office. Tomorrow I get the kiddo's - yay! I have cubscouts on Friday, a baseball game lined up for Sunday and Saturday is a sleep over for D6. This will be a first for her - if she is scared, it's just tight down the road and I can pick her up.

Saturday night is neighbor night - we will catch up and enjoy each others company.

Thank you to all DB'ers

What on earth would I do without you???

[Bob723]

Hahaha

Emotional jujstu - I can't wait to try that one out.

I am disengaging today - much work at the office. Tomorrow I get the kiddo's - yay! I have cubscouts on Friday, a baseball game lined up for Sunday and Saturday is a sleep over for D6. This will be a first for her - if she is scared, it's just tight down the road and I can pick her up.

Saturday night is neighbor night - we will catch up and enjoy each others company.

Thank you to all DB'ers

What on earth would I do without you???

Heavy,

We feel the same way about you. my friend Wonka had some great observations and advice. How ironic that she is blaming you for all this -- just like my W.

A bit of emotional jujstu might help at this time. If she has nothing to argue about .... see where Wonka was going eith this?

BTW, thank you for much for your post in my thread earlier today. So many people replied, and I really needed the positive thoughts!

I think I responded to all of you in one posting a few hours ago. In case you missed it, here's what I wrote to you:
Heavy, I noticed that I had several new posts, I had a feeling you were one of the people who posted on my thread. Thank you for your time and encouragement.

Hang tough - you can do this and you will.

Bob

[pilot]

Have you thought about applying emotional aikido to W here? A bit of emotional jujstu. Agree with W that your M was crappy and all that jazz. Then sit back and watch. Your W will be flummoxed and will start to defend the good parts of the M. Genius, eh?

Wonka, as fun as this sounds, have you ever seen where this worked? I am not being snarky. It is a question because to me, if this actually did work, I would have thought it would be part of the DB process.