Ripken - LRT with a WW and divorce filed #2

[Ripken8]

Yeah. How are things going for you Winhamm? Separated in the same house? Not sure how you're doing it. I obviously couldn't.

[RAI]

Rip,

I am going through exact same thing. We are under the same roof and there are so many triggers. Shortly after BD, my W could not understand why I would get so upset when I would see OM or his car or something resembling his car etc... - goes with the whole "lack of remorse" thing. She never understood the hypervigilance and PTSD I experienced. At the time I told her when I was triggering. Now I have no one with whom to share this information, so I just suck it up and keep it to myself.

OM used to do our yard. Yesterday, new mulch was laid down. I can't help bust wonder if OM did it. Crazy, no?

RAI

[Ripken8]

It's not crazy. I guess I'm just not sure how people can do it, living in the same house, while they still choose to disrespect you and continue with the affair. Yes, on paper, they get to see your changes and maybe want to come back, but I don't see how that's likely.

Also, it just made me more angry/upset/hurt and almost start to build resentment seeing that. Sandi continues to talk about the WW needing a "loss" to get out of the fog. How does the loss come if you don't move out/on? How can you have enough sanity and piece of mind to stay pleasant and keep the road paved, if you live in it and with it everyday. "It" being the hurt, the affair, the lack of remorse, etc.

Sometimes, you need to separate yourself from the situation, to heal, before you can live in it again and be ok.

This seems very black/white in my case. Not sure why there seemed to be so much flack on my moving out. Most people seemed to be of the stance of staying in the house or having her leave.

Both options just didn't work for me. More power to you and winhamm, RAI!

[Sotto]

Hi Ripken, glad you have a moving date - the 23rd is not long away and will soon come around. The prevailing advice on the boards is 'don't move' but that isn't for everyone.

I didn't feel able to stay in our house after BD as you know - and it has been the best thing for me (emotionally) to move out. I have no idea how people manage to tolerate an ongoing A scenario in the same house. I couldn't do it. As for the impact on our sitch - well who knows. But you posted, got lots of input and followed your heart with your decision. Best not to look back now, only forward and I hope the move goes well.

Take care :-)

[edz]

Indeed (as I must have posted far too many times) my sitch is different but theres no way I'd have been able to make the changes in myself I did if w and I hadnt been in different places.

Yes, moving out in an owned property, or with kids involved is often a very bad idea for future options but sometimes detachment, self improvement and your own sanity come first. Review your options by all means but then do what is going to be best for everyone involved including yourself.

Positive thoughts to you, keep on keeping on.

Edz

[RAI]

Rip,

So hard to do this neighbor stuff. It's not me. It's easier to be angry and treat her like [censored] because she's hurt me but I know that solves nothing. And I can't be friends or nice because that's my boundary. So it's just distance and awkwardness. I don't know how I lived like this for so long.

I hear you, buddy. Ditto, ditto, and ditto.

You seem to be very at peace with your decision to move out. You have a plan in place, too. While no one would envy our sitch, you should take pride in the fact that you are in control of the things you can control and are not sweating the things you can't. That is a (relatively) admirable position to be in. One from which I hope to draw inspiration. I wish you a lot of luck, friend.

RAI

[Ripken8]

Rai - thanks. I wish I could constantly feel that way and maybe in time I will. All I know is right now, it's easier when we are apart. VERY similar to the feeling I have no longer being FB friends. I can use facebook daily and never have to worry or be anxious about who she's talking to or what she's up to - out of sight, out of mind.

I can live my life, GAL and do all the 180s I want. Taking back control or some feeling of it, I've found to be very cathartic.

[RAI]

I was not even on FB before BD. I signed up for an account pretty recently so I could reengage with old friends - GAL. But one of the first things I did was block W and anyone having to do with her.

The downside is that you see the best side of everyone. Everyone (with some exception) looks so happy on FB. It is definitely not a reflection of reality. It is somewhat of a downer for me.

Onward with the catharsis!

RAI

[Ripken8]

Thanks! 23rd can't get here fast enough. Knowing she's out with om doing God knows what and then coming back here whenever she feels like as if nothing is wrong. It makes me absolutely sick.

No matter how hurt and lost she see felt in our relationship I never did anything this malatious and cold. I have no idea how to keep the road back paved easily. Every aspect of me wants to burn the bridge.

[pilot]

No matter how hurt and lost she see felt in our relationship I never did anything this malatious and cold. I have no idea how to keep the road back paved easily. Every aspect of me wants to burn the bridge.

Many of us sat and dwelled on the very same thought. This is not something you can find an answer for. All you can do is give her space and detach. Right now she is so far detached from you that she has zero thought as to how her actions are affecting you. Just try and remember, her actions are NOT done with the intent to hurt you. Her actions are completely done to satisfy whatever she feels she wants. She is going to be selfish right now and give ZERO thought as to how her actions affect anyone else. In time, she will begin to reflect. It is just not going to happen right now. How well you think you treated her in the past is not important to her right now. Its not even on her radar. Your job is to OVER TIME remind her through actions.