Feeling so hopeless

[job]

Lucy recently posted this on a thread over on the MLC Forum and I believe it should also be posted here since this is part of what is going on w/the business, etc.

Lucy posted:

"This all feels so hopeless right now. I can see now that what I thought were his attempts at being friendly with me last week, when I helped him out, was just manipulation on his part. It's just heartbreaking.

At this point, there is no way I could be front and center with the business. Emotionally, I just couldn't bear to see what he is flaunting, and his anger would be pushed to limits I couldn't deal with I'm sure. Aside from that, our customers would know the truth of what's going on, all our regulars anyway, he's told them I couldn't handle the business, and that's why he's divorcing me, but they can see through his changes to I'm sure. If he loses it, he loses it. It was his dream to begin with, that he is supposedly so passionate about. He has a secure job to fall back on if he does.

My issues go so much more deeply than just the restaurant. Over the summer someone hit the front of our attached garage of our home, and pushed it off the foundation. I've been sitting here for the last nearly two months with no garage door, and just a tarp covering the opening. He has the nearly $7,000 check for the repairs. One of the customers, who is a contractor, is supposed to be doing the repair, and my H is supposed to help him as an employee.

We have a young family waiting to do a walk through on our home, but the repairs aren't done, and I've been waiting, holding off, because I haven't been sure what is going on. I just don't know what to do. I know I have no desire to speak with H right now."

My comments:

Lucy, why do you feel that him being nice was manipulation? Was it because he's at the point he can't handle things at the business or do you feel that he's using the "nice" card to get you to do what he wants? Does he get angry when you don't do things for him or very quickly?

Well, I see he's using the business as the excuse for the divorce. What a lame excuse to use...but I'm sure the people he has told this excuse to know better. People are on to him, but they don't know how to deal w/him. Some will question his excuse and he'll distance himself from them and others will remain silent, but friendly in order to keep their jobs. At least the excuse wasn't the fact that your purchased bagged salad, i.e., some have said this and please understand, I'm not making fun of your situation at all, but wanted to point out just how stupid some of their excuses can be.

Lucy, if you don't want to be part of the business, then it's time to think about him buying you out or you finding another position elsewhere. What are your qualifications? Have you begun preparing a resume? If not, now is a good time to think about it because it sounds like you are ready to pull the plug. It's not easy working w/an MLCer on a day-to-day basis when they are acting out.

You don't know what to do about the garage...It's time to ask him for the check for the damages to your garage or he needs to make out a check to you in the amount of $7,000 so that you can get a contractor in to repair the damage. My guess is that he's probably spent the money...but I hope that I am wrong on that. Get your garage repaired and go from there.

Lucy, it's time to think about what YOU want. Right now, he's not thinking about you at all...but himself. Time to protect yourself, your assets and layout a plan for your life. There is only one guarantee in this life...you have live your life to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow will bring. If your marriage is meant to be, he will find a way back to you...but it's going to be a long time from now, maybe years. Please do not put your life on hold for him. Today is a gift, a very precious gift...use it wisely.

I'll check back on you later today.

[Georgiabelle]

Lucy,

I know you are in a bad place and it sukks. And what I'm about to say is not said with harsh intentions, however, don't let your h's crazy become your life. Life is too short to focus on what all he is or is not dong. Because in the end, those really are his choices and his consequences.

I saw your posts on the other thread. Please don't let OW occupy too much brain space-she simply isn't worthy of the energy. She may be tall, short, curvy, skinny, drunk, a heroin addict, and any other myriad of combinations. Job is right in that she just isn't you. For your own sanity, please stop focusing on them. Also, and again I say this with kindness, don't worry about who is on who's side or how others see what he is doing is wrong. This is going to take a very, very , very long time and it's important that you keep living because life continues on regardless of what he does.

You seem like a really kind, nurturing lady so focus on what will make life rich for you. Hang in there!!! It really does get better:)

[job]

Lucy,
Have you been to a lawyer to seek any legal advice? The reason that I am asking is that if he does follow thru on a divorce, you will need to know what your legal rights are. Check around to see if there are any lawyers that offer a free consultation and make an appointment. You can also "google" your state to see what the laws are as well. Just because you seek legal counsel, it does not mean that you are filing...but knowledge is power and you need to know what you are entitled to.

[Lucy105]

Thank you all. Your kindness means a lot. I have already pulled back, and refuse to have any contact with him. He will either sink or swim on his own.

I know I focus on her, in my mind, I'm still trying to justify things, but truth be told, I know it's not about her, or me for that matter. The hope that he will come out of this is still there, I honestly don't want him to lose the business, but that is only his choice right now, I will not help him to keep it.

I have consulted a lawyer, but was not left with a good feeling. She said that he only has to give financial support based off of what he's making at the restaurant, which isn't much. It pays the bills, but neither of us were yet drawing a salary because it was still a fairly new business, and still in the growing process. Now, it may never reach its full potential.....or maybe it already did, I don't know, nor at this point do I care. She said it would take at least $5,000 for an accountant to do a overview of the business to see where things stand. Neither of us can afford that, and honestly, he can't afford the bills he already has..

He made a sizable deposit into the business acct yesterday because of the Mother's Day buffet, which is typically a very busy day for the restaurant. He deposited $250 into my account. I have not seen a paycheck come through for her, so he is giving her cash I'm sure, but I have no way to prove how much if he's taking from the funds before he deposits.

Also, our state is pretty lenient as far as divorce goes. It doesn't matter that he's had an affair. For his other divorces, he basically did the DIY per work, and filed that way. I still have hope that he remembers the lessons he learned the second time around, which he may, in time.

[Lucy105]

Job, I feel like he was being nice to get me to do what he wanted, he saw it as an opportunity. When he called, and was so nice, that's when he asked me if he could pick up our second mower. He can't be nice, unless he's getting something from me.

I'm not at the stage yet where I want to deal with him. I want to just pull away, and let things be a bit, I'm not ready to push him, I just can't yet, I need to be a bit more stable myself.

As far as qualifications, I don't know. I've not had a real job since 2003, I've always had my own small businesses that I ran, a sewing business, and then a photographer, and then we ran the business together.

You are dead on about the staff too. They feel he is doing something very wrong, and it's hard on them, but he doesn't care. I tried explaining that to my friend so she can understan better what is going od, but it's to late, it's only a job to her, and she doesn't even speak to him.

[Lucy105]

Well, I have proof now that he is helping her financially. A check just came through the business bank account made out to the Village of _______, for $138.02, with the memo Acct # **, with her last name, in the subject line.

[PigPen]

Can you call the Village of......? And tell them that you are one of the owners and have a check you have a question about?

[Drew]

Utility bill.

Parking ticket.

Does it matter?

[Lucy105]

She has a court case right now against her mortgage, I can only assume he will try to bail her out of that as well. He has some excess funds in the account now from the holiday weekend, so I imagine he's feeling pretty good.

I'm contacting another lawyer to get some additional information. I think it's coming to that point.

[job]

Lucy,
If you aren't happy with the first lawyer, seek out another one and continue until you do find someone that you feel comfortable with. If he's paying her bills, that is money coming from the martial assets that you will need to keep track of because it's your money too.

No one is saying to push him, but you need to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it for you. Yes, it's early on, but he's been thru a couple of marriages and you have to have some idea as to what he did in those to do the DIY divorce kits.

Start calling around and doing some research. BTW, the jobs you had...well...they are still good jobs and there are always people looking for those skill sets. Don't sell yourself short! You are worth far more than a little itty bitty check.