I know there are no guarantees but.....

[XFit14]

Mozza . . . you rock! Ill respond later with more but thank you sir! I will refer to him as FIL (I type a lot of reports and we do not use abbreviations so it is hard for me to do it here. I will try tho but I see your point about making my own abbrevitations)

[XFit14]

Day 4 since my divorce. I was doing well. I mean I have been dealing with the inevitable (not to be negative but realistic) since October s014 when she filed for divorce.
I maintained composure, didn't break down and cry or beg. I did try to convince otherwise several times....(who wouldn't??) but I instantly started going to therapy and tried doing a complete 180 which I accomplished and am still doing.
Basically...had I known my wife was this unhappy...Id have done ANYTHING to make the changes she needed to see for us to remain together.
I feel this needed to happen (not necessarily the divorce but the wake up call for sure) to get me out of this negative attitude / pissed off at the world period I was in. (Which if you have read this story from the beginning you will understand).
I also have taken responsibility for my actions, made apologies to FIL and MIL (my reasoning behind that was to stop the fighting and hate between us all and attempt to 1) show my wife I was serious about not being angry about this stuff anymore and to try to help rebuild bridges between her and her family....they are her parents afterall and they are not getting any younger).
It was all for naught (in regards to saving my marriage but I have been implementing the techniques and working on myself etc and I am honestly happy with the way I feel about myself. But the inevitable day finally arrived this past Monday. I made it through that day pretty ok.

Tuesday....not so much. Wednesday not bad and yesterday.....yesterday. There is a woman I dated YEARS ago. It's been 17 years I believe.
We dated for a while and it was a really good relationship.
She had two kids (very young 2 and 6) and I was having a blast with her and them. I entered my current career and got sent to the north west part of my state to work.
She did not want to uproot her kids from the rest of her family or sell her house.
I was only going to be gone a year and it was only a 4 hour drive away.
I moved and began coming back down to see her and the kids every weekend.
About 4 or 5 months in I began hearing from her less and less and it's not like I could just jump in the car and run over to her house and see what was going on.
Finally after 3 days of no contact I got hold of her mom.
She put my ex GF on the phone and I was told that she had run into an ex BF of hers and decided that she wanted to give this guy another chance.... I finished my shift the next day, drove down in the middle of the night and confirmed that this was true that she had moved on when I rounded the corner to find someone else's truck parked in her driveway....at 0100 in the morning.
Clue???
Yeah. Anyway....by her own admission she made a huge mistake and to this day can not explain what she was thinking and why she did what she did even though I have asked her (so that I can try to get it straight in my head or make changes I need to make or SOMETHING) to not pull any punches and please tell me the truth. Anyway...over the years we re-connected and have remained friends.
She has remarried (for the past ten years) the kids have grown and her daughter just (5 days ago) had a baby of her own!!
Very cool.
We have not talked in about 8 years....give or take but she knew I was married.
I recently reached out and managed to get in contact with her again (which is how I know about her new granddaughter)(I have a point I am getting to also...hang in there). We spoke a few weeks ago and actually made plans to get together (including her husband) and have dinner and catch up.
This got cancelled due to an already scheduled date night with her hubby.
No big deal I can respect that as I would do the same thing.
Then late Wednesday night I get a text (that I sleep through) that says she needs a friend to talk to.
The next morning I text her back (and apologize for missing the text the night before) and she fills me in that she found evidence her husband has been in an EA and she is looking at a divorce. We chatted a bit on Thursday morning and texted a bit throughout the day.
Then last night we were on the phone for FOUR HOURS.
Out of that 4 hours only about 30 minutes was spent talking about my recent divorce.
I spent the majority of the time listening to her, telling her what I have learned in my readings, through therapy, online and on here (although I didn't divulge exactly where I was getting the info (specifically this site) as I just want to keep this a secret from everyone for a while) So...my point.
I didn't cry or tear up or lose it once ....all day and all night and divorce was the main topic of conversation the entire day and all last night.
I actually felt pretty good and she felt more positive when we got off the phone last night. It was ....somewhat equally uplifting to have us somewhat supporting each other a bit...even though I did the majority of the talking and she did the crying.

Today.....im online paying some bills and kind of watching a movie in the background. Nothing whatsoever to do with my wife or anything....and I lose it..... I mean BAD.....for like 30 minutes I can't stop crying and again....it's not like crying I have ever done. It's these deep heaving sobs that wrack my body.
In the middle of all this my dad calls and I swipe the screen because if he even remotely hears his son like I would sound if I answered the phone he would be driving to the airport to get on a plane in 5 seconds flat. I don't want that right now. I need some time alone and I know it is scaring him and my mom because they have not heard from me other then by text since Monday. I lost it.......

I posted the other day that I know this site is predominantly geared towards DBing an that now that mine is final I don't know if I (my ....journey) still applies in here?
I hope it does because I have not given up the hope that at some point I might catch my wife's eye or heart again and maybe at that time I will have made the necessary (and they were) changes to re-attract her back into my arms and life.
If not....the changes (attitude and anger) needed to be changed regardless (positive good point in all this mess). But....the fact that I know she is already seeing someone and that he spends the night (my stepson is almost 16 and lives with her fulltime so she is not hiding it from him) doesn't give me much hope ..... and I know it is very soon after the divorce but it is not very soon since this whole ordeal started.

So.....what now ??? I know I need to keep doing for me. GAL, further detatching (now since this is all new and fresh again......yippee) I'm not going to say anything that anyone else hasn't said or wants from this ...I want the opportunity to get my wife BACK! We were good ....the situation and how I handled it was not! I GET why she wanted to look for greener grass. I feel she took the easy way but I didn't make living with me (due to the situation) easy. I GET IT. But what now......?

I have gotten some good advice from some great people in just the past few days since I have joined. (I have been reading posts on this site for months) Mozza and Cadet and Sandi2 (and I am hoping 25yearsmlc (If someone knows how to reach another vet and get them to give my story a look I'd appreciate it) will get wind of this and look in on me and post because she has some great insight, wisdom and advice)....and I am sure I am going to get smacked with a few 2 x 4's and I welcome them right now because today is...bad and I've never been like this and I've had some horrible dating experiences.
Please guys.....

[XFit14]

I was editing my last post but it timed out so I have a few typos and such (sorry). I am not trying to frustrate anyone following or posting on my story. I am not dense or trying to be difficult and I know this takes time and patience and there is no magic button and I shouldn't have expectations. But I am human and I still love my wife immensely. I ..... I d k....

[Cadet]

I think not telling anyone else about this site is a great idea, please be careful with this woman as she is married and you are still recovering from your divorce.

And I just want to share that I know a fair amount of people that have gotten divorced and then re-married to their spouse.

So it DOES happen.
And I reiterate YOU will be the one that gets to choose that scenario in the end. (Not right now)


P.S. when you are posting can you please hit carriage return every time you put in a period.
I really struggle to read your posts when they are a big BLOCK of type.

[XFit14]

Cadet....I will be careful with this woman. I am NO WAY looking to get back together with her, hookup, 1 night stand or anything else than be an ear for listening, a sounding board for her plans and thoughts and advice if I can offer any.

Sorry about the struggle to read my stuff. I break it up into paragraphs but maybe that is not how it comes to you when you edit.
so you want me to hit enter after every period??

[XFit14]

Cadet, Just to finish my train of thought ...I am not looking for anything from her other than someone to talk to and my original intent was for her to answer that why did you leave me question and try to figure out why this has been a predominant reoccurrence in my life.
She had her chance fifteen years go and I don't need any more drama or to make a mistake and ruin anything with my now ex W.
Appreciate the warning and concern though

[sandi2]

I think he's saying you need to type in short paragraphs and use a couple of line spaces between the paragraphs.

BTW, that was a very flattering post you wrote to me. It was like a shot of B12.

I agree with Cadet about being very careful with this XGF. Not only are you extremely vulnerable right now, but I recognize signs in her that are way too familiar to me. I realize you want to have your question answered by her, but I doubt she'll be completely honest. At best, she'll water it down, b/c you are useful to her at the moment.

Whenever a woman tells you she needs a friend, or wants someone to talk to...........RUN! Run in the opposite direction as hard as you can. Several reasons why, and starting with one is the fact she should not be discussing her M, or intimate details with an XBF. She can talk to her mother, siblings, or female friends about her feelings. She should not discuss it with you.

Second, you don't know if her H is in an EA or not. If he is, this is none of your business, and you will be "used" by her. It would be easy to rebound from your own M, and you sure don't need a woman who is on the rebound, too.

Third reason, she will dump you again, once you usefulness no longer applies to her needs. Sorry for being so blunt. I don't know this woman, of course, but I don't have to personally be acquainted with her, to know how this will turn out for you. She fits the bill, perfectly. I can tell by how you write about her, that she could pull you right in.

Fourth reason, she must be an older woman, or had her kids when she was a teenager. She's a grandmother, so I doubt she plans to have any more children. You, on the other hand, would like very much to have a child of your own. I know this sounds as if I'm jumping the gun here, and you may be thinking you aren't looking that far into the future, yada....yada. I have seen this exact situation end in a M, and the H never having children of his own. Think about it.

Fifth reason, she may appear as a salve for your bruised ego, but it's only temporary. You saw how she made everything about her. Please do not "settle" for less than you deserve. To get involved with this woman, or any woman, to prove you can win her back.....sets yourself up for another painful experience.

You may be in denial about the innocence in this re-connection with an old flame, but it is not a good idea to pursue.

Get involved in something that provides you with opportunities of meeting new people. Don't reach back in to the past, reopening old wounds. Look forward with a beginner's mind.

It sounds like you are soaking up a lot of information. That is great! And you don't worry about whether or not you should be here after just getting divorced. If you feel you are learning and growing, then you belong.

[Mozza]

I agree with Sandi2: I think you're fooling yourself on the innocence of this re-connection. You're entering a very slippery slope. Sharing our concerns is a fast track to emotional attachment. Believe me, as a student of seduction and attraction!

Be very careful to be honest with your actions and intentions. We've had other people here trying to cover their actions with words: "I'm not trying to badmouth her, but she's an awful person." See the attempt? It's very important that you be honest with yourself in general. People will quickly see what kind of person you are if you sometimes say one thing and do the opposite. Part of this process might happen in your subconscious, so dig deep. We do it because we're afraid of facing the consequences of our actions, for instance. Here, admitting that it's a risky relationship might mean cutting it off at a moment where you feel you need the support. But realize that in the long run, being honest with yourself (and others) is what will pay off the most.

Do you have an IC? (individual counselor - a therapist)

[XFit14]

Sandi2,

(Thanks for the tip on posting I'll try to do that and make it easier)
You are welcome for the flattery (and prepare for more) because again you have given me extremely well thought out, insightful and potent advice that makes me wonder where you have been hiding while spying on my life :-)

Let me address the exGF and try not to make you feel as if you have wasted your time typing all that only to kick back in your chair with a cup of coffee to watch me make a disastrous mistake. I don't picture any of you saying I told you so and I don't plan on giving you the opportunity anyway.

I have never gone back to an exgf...ever. In all my ridiculously horrible dating experiences the one thing I have never ever done is take an ex back or get re-involved emotionally or physically.
I have always looked at it as they had their chance and chose to put me second place, test the waters or see if the grass is greener. I am not mean about it if/when they return (and many have) but I think better of myself than to be second prize and try to live by the monicker of, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."
I know you have read through my story and I have written of a few dating disasters and I definitely don't need to give anyone a second chance at breaking my heart or wounding my self esteem.
So the obvious next question would be why would I want to take my wife back if she decides(d) to come back. It's just ...different. Vows, promises, dreams, history, LOVING her more than any other woman I've been with.

I did not hold my breath that ExGF was going to answer my question and if she did that she would spare my feelings and tell me the brutal blunt truth. I had to try though.
You are correct in that I am only hearing one side of a two person story about a rocky on the rocks marriage. I do not have his side and you are right it is not for me to stick my nose into and I have enough of my own stuff to deal with.

I am NOT looking to rebound with her in any way shape or form (cue the eye rolling). Talking to her last night did not pluck at any heart strings or raise any old feelings of regret or heartache, longing or love. I know I am recently divorced which brings with it the low self esteem and possibility of rebound etc.
I have been a rebound guy in the past and don't want to put someone else through that pain. It's not fair.
I agree that with her past track record she would more than likely dump me if her husband returned or someone else. I do not intend to give her another chance or ruin a possible chance of re-connecting with my wife.
She is not an older woman but she did have kids very very young. Too young which explains some of her behavior sometimes. You are by no means jumping the gun and again it is with (eerie but meant in the nicest of way) admiration that you seem to be able to think of and see everything from a different angle and comment with effective advice.

This one blows me away because I know I have written a little on the subject but I have not specifically stated this. YES I want to be a dad.....in the worst way!! OMG I do. I want to change diapers and stay up all night doing feedings and rocking and watch him/her learn to roll over, crawl, walk talk, learn and grow.
You nailed this, again, as if you have read my mind. I am not looking to have a child with her (ExGF). No thank you. I would adopt with my exW in a heartbeat but as much as it would be nice to have a flesh and blood child of my own there are SO many kids that need a good loving home and with my exW I know it would be.
I am not settling. To be honest it was nice to talk to someone about their issues and problems in that it took mine away from being at the front of my mind for a while.
I also am not looking to get involved with ANYONE to try to win my wife back. Don't honestly believe that would work, it would inevitably hurt someone else to benefit me and as many times I have been hurt...I cant do that to someone else in good conscience.

I am not in denial but I am being very very careful. Let me reiterate I am NOT looking for a one night stand, old flame relationship...hell I'm not looking for anything right now accept I would love to see my wife pop up on the caller ID or email. Not holding my breath for that though...not yet.

I appreciate you writing what you did and looking deeply into my possibly precarious delve into the past. I'm not looking to do that to win my wife back, hurt her, or to fill a painful void with someone who already had their chance in my life. If nothing else...the lousy relationships I have had have at least taught me I am valuable, I am a catch, I am not disposable or replaceable (Ill be honest I feel that way right now though) and I won't give someone who left me for absolutely no reason....a second shot to do more damage.

As for still being here.....I am hoping that DBing and DRing techniques can still be applied and can still hopefully work even after the divorce date.
I am learning and working on myself and recovering from this....loss. I still have hope I just don't know if I am crazy to still have it based on what I wrote earlier this morning about my ExW.

Sandi2, Again, thank you so much for your time in typing all that you did and your caring and concern. You don't even know how much it is appreciated.

[XFit14]

Mozza, I am not trying to enter a slipperly slope. I am trying to be a friend. I am not going to give this person a second shot at hurting me as she did many years ago.

I am also not trying to cover my actions with words and if I do that PLEASE call me out on it. I am being very honest and open on here and that is NOT my normal character. (Much easier to do with people I will probably never meet perhaps??)
For one I am looking for some legitimate HELP and it does me no good to lie or not to take the help (advice) when it is offered up. Wastes people's time and is counter productive. I can assure you I have no reason to ask for help, take away your (or anybody else's) precious time for themselves or with their families and then do the opposite or lie about something.
For me respect is a huge deal and I am trying to earn all of yours and don't want to lose it, along with the support and advice I am receiving here.

I have had two counselors. LOL I am lucky enough to have some counseling through my agency that is free for several sessions and in which no one from the department asks any questions...they just pay.

The first counselor was bad. She didn't have a clue what to do with me. For real. There were times when she would just sit there when I finished talking like she didn't no WHAT to say.
I talked to her about the fact that I was looking for help with anger management or how to deal with the anger instead of allowing it to bleed into my personal and family life.
I talked to her about my quickly ending marriage. Her ONLY advice, after multiple sessions, was for me to get my wife and nice card and some flowers. She said this on two different occasions. I didn't go back.....

The second counselor was from a different group. She was better but still did not seem to be able to give me any definitive techniques to try or follow to help me deal with the anger that I have had.
She did sit there with her mouth open during my story....I've become accustomed to this reaction. She suggested a few books and I have gotten more out of those, reading DB and DR and talking to you all than I have from the therapists.
I have lost faith in that profession and avenue of help currently...I needed some HELP and her best college educated several hundred dollar an hour advice was, "Well you could always get her a nice card and some flowers."
If I thought that would work I'd have bought her a card everyday and turned the backyard into a rose garden!!

I welcome yours and any other's thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, 2 x 4's even on the above two posts (or further back if you are looking for some (lol) light reading.)

Sandi2, Mozza and Cadet....thank you for your time and concern.... really!