Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Link to last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2552657&page=1

Thread named as such because I never thought I'd get to a point when, overall, things were ok. It changes things, now I have to decide what I want to do, instead of just doing whatever I could to stop the bleeding.

Recap:
*D negotiations are currently underway. I have elected to make a stand for 50% custody.
*No real conversation with WAW since November. She has done some things that have made me wary enough to want to remain L only through the D process.
*Moved into apartment 12/1 (after 4 months of couch surfing).
*I am a more engaged father than EVER before and loving my time with my children.
*My newish sales job of 6 months is going well although I feel a tremendous amount of pressure
*I still play pool when appropriate and enjoy the game
*I am not focused on WAW at all, only myself and my family. I am currently porn free, more in touch with my feelings and better able to handle them, and less critical of myself and others. I have come a long ways and am doing very well, but am not complacent.

Thank you all for following. You know, it's all good.

I had my children this weekend. Yesterday I took them for a walk around a lake on a path near my old work. It leads through woods, etc. Not a hike, a paved trail. I want to get them hiking this summer so I started with a nice casual walk, we'll hike next time on something easy. It was a 3 mile walk, just the right length as my 4 year old was getting tired towards the end but we all made it just fine. IT. WAS. A. BLAST.

Then we watched Sister Act, my daughters LOVED the music (and S10 did too, he's really good about being open to things that aren't normally up his alley because I take an interest in what he's doing as well).

Today I read to them out of the children's bible, read the story of Moses because they didn't know it. Then we watched a video about it (beginners bible on youtube) so they could compare versions. We'll read the rest next time.

My friend has 3 kids their age, we will be joining them for church and going on some hikes together.

All in all, I've never had so much fun with my kids and it's ALL good. I am SO GLAD I decided to go for 50% custody. And I am SO GLAD the D took as long as it did. I might have accepted much less 6 months ago because I didn't know I could do this as a father. Just another example of how we don't always know what's best, and sometimes someone is looking out for us.

Tonight I found a picture my D made. She gave it to me the night she found out I wasn't coming back home. It was a picture of the three of them, AND of my two dogs that passed a year or two ago. It had the three kids and the dogs there reaching out to me, and a big smiling dad holding out my arms to them. It said "We will miss you dad". I started crying when I saw that picture. I cannot tell you how horrible it felt to be forced away from my family, how devastated I was taking that picture and pulling out of the driveway that night, away from the home I had with them. Looking back I didn't have to leave, but it happened so fast before I found DB (and my IC said if I hadn't STBX might've gotten me removed with a court order even if it meant fabricating an 'incident').

Point is, when I started I was depressed. I was torn apart from my family. I was a disconnected father. I was using porn. I was relying on my STBX's opinion of me to make up for my own lack of self esteem and inner happiness. I was spiritually numb. And I was thinking of giving up.

Now I have my kids, and will get more time with them in the future God willing. Things are going so well. Yes, I have a ways to go, and I ended my last thread by talking about it...but I also have a history of being really hard on myself, and being a perfectionist. And looking at where I am vs. where I was...well, I honestly couldn't be happier.

I sincerely want to thank all of you who have helped me find this path.

[Pyrite]

Well I wasn't one of them Zeus, but you sure helped me find my path. I wish I had've found DB, or rather me, earlier so that I did have a chance of saving the M. I still do, in so far as I am still open to reconciliation. But the truth is, as I know you feel the same way, I probably wouldn't have found me if it wasn't for being stripped bare.

I hope you get 50% with the kids. For me (apart from being my world) they are ....guidance. To have this pure love in my life has been a source of strength for me. If you do end up with less than 50%, you will always be their Dad, and you can still enjoy that purity and all the fun times with them.

Also times change, in a few years - who knows. Here at least you can re-apply later. After a certain age the kid gets to choose, also 6/8 (split) days per fortnight becomes the courts default position. So the onus would be on your W to show why the court should order differently. Then 2 guys I know ended up with the kids a few years later after the kids had had enough of their Mum, her behaviour (they stayed as WAWs the rest of their lives in their future Rs)

One thing I think about more so now than ever before is the relationship I have with my own parents, and the future relationship I want to have with my kids. I am sure your kids will appreciate and benefit from the wisdom you have gathered from this turmoil, and ongoing learning. All the best Z.

-Py

[Tulo]

Glad you are feeling better. Not read your link yet, but just wanted to say that. Hope I'll get there too soon!
Good luck!!

[Zues126]

TODAY WAS A FIRST!

I was at lunch with a co-worker that was really fascinated about what I'd gone through over the last year. First off, he was really impressed with the way I've handled things, and I was like "you know what, I have done a pretty good job". I don't give myself credit enough because I'm not perfect. But I've handled myself pretty darn well.

But the funny part was I started talking about how I'd gotten closer with my kids, been showing them a strong example, becoming a spiritual leader in my family, doing well in my new job and providing, and just stepping up over all. I talked about how I've never been tighter with my kids and I could tell they needed me to be strong for them, that I was allowing them to breath deeper and walk taller.

And I found myself saying "Yeah, this has been like the best year ever".

After I said it I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth. I mean really? Was I delusional? This has been the most horrible thing I've ever experienced, and it has hurt me more deeply and irreversibly than I thought was possible. What was I talking about?

But that's what I said. And even if I am conflicted at times, I realized I have come a long ways if that's even in my spectrum of outlooks.

I recalled a Ted Talk by Dan Gelb. He talks about natural happiness vs. synthesized happiness. If you haven't seen it you are *REQUIRED* to watch at least the first 8 minutes (look it up on youtube). He talks about the "Glorious experience" of going to jail, and the paraplegic/lottery situation. So I knew this was possible. It's just cool to see it play out this way.

Thank you DB.

[Pyrite]

Will check out the Ted Talk later.

Good for you Zeus .

I can appreciate your conflict. I hope I get to that point. I'm lucky to think a whole day has been OK, let alone GREAT.

Remember in that movie city slickers when the 3 friends are talking about their best day and worst day. For one guy his emotional best day story, was also his worst day. Maybe that is where we are. It is just EXTREME, either way.

Nonetheless, excellent that you can see it in a positive light. credit where credit is due my friend. pat yourself on the back.

[V2pt0]

Glad you had such a good day yesterday, Zues. It is such a strange feeling to find happiness and moments of content at such a difficult time. Nice that your children are reaping the benefits of working on you!

Since we don't have children, for me it has been from focusing on reconnecting with old friends and my own personal growth. I think being in a challenging marriage makes you forget about your own personal development and spirit, which is part of the reason you find yourself in a difficult marriage.

One of the things I appreciate about DB is that regardless of what happens with me and my H, I know I am doing the work to be a better person/spouse (to whomever is the recipient)moving forward. That is what helps push me forward and stay positive.

Will check out the Ted Talk.

Keep on keeping on!

[Zues126]

Thanks BW. The best part is it wasn't just a good day. I'm there more and more of the time.

I told my friend I think the reason I feel so good is contrast...I was in so much pain for so long, that just not being in soul crushing torment feels like I'm walking on air. Truly.

I mean, not only has this 10 months been more difficult than I can put in words, but the 3 years before it were every bit as hard. Things are FINALLY starting to clear, and I'm just so bubbly about it I can't help but babble and shoot long posts all over the place. Thanks DB and company!

[RealMe]

*No real conversation with WAW since November....when I started I was depressed. I was torn apart from my family. I was a disconnected father....I was spiritually numb. And I was thinking of giving up....And looking at where I am vs. where I was...well, I honestly couldn't be happier.

Wow man. Just...wow. I'm glad I finally read up on your whole situation Zues. I think you epitomize making DB about yourself and not about the spouse.

My WAW and I are both 35 too. I hope I'm as grounded as you when I get to that stage of separation.

5 months NC. All these amazing positive changes. She knows. She feels it. She probably can't even look you in your eye bc of who you are now.

[TenBook]

I am so happy for you Zues.

[Zues126]

*No real conversation with WAW since November....when I started I was depressed. I was torn apart from my family. I was a disconnected father....I was spiritually numb. And I was thinking of giving up....And looking at where I am vs. where I was...well, I honestly couldn't be happier.

5 months NC. All these amazing positive changes. She knows. She feels it. She probably can't even look you in your eye bc of who you are now.

Thanks guys!

You know, Real, the funniest part? It hadn't even DAWNED on my that my STBX might have noticed anything. I think somewhere a couple of months ago I made peace with the fact that I'd always be worthless and not marriage material, a bad fit, a bad guy, whatever. I'm not minimizing her feelings or my actions during the M, but we're no longer M and I really don't care anymore what she thinks. So the idea that she might someday see something positive in me struck me as rather novel and amusing, like a juggling bear.

I personally don't think her POV will change, but who knows. I'm just glad it's not occupying my thoughts!

And yes, you will get there. Just remember ever moment of suffering is a needed step. Talk soon!