On the brink #2

[Onguard]

Old Thread

I have learned so much from being a part of this community. Until recently I have not felt like I had earned the right to offer guidance to others. I know how painful it is to be betrayed and abandoned by someone who you thought loved you. That pain makes you think and act in ways that only make your situation worse. The vets like Starsky and Train (as well as others) really know thier stuff. Trust them even when it doesnt feel right. Their advice cannot guarantee that your M will survive but it will maximize the probability of success as well as give you your dignity back. Thank you again for making a difference to me and many others.

[Sotto]

It's true Onguard - and I'm excited reading your thread. I have already 'bookmarked' it in my mind in case we ever get to that point. You seem to manage a great deal of restraint in the face of your W's enthusiasm to reconcile. I'm watching and learning...

Good luck to you both going forwards...:-)

[Ontheup]

Hey OG

You hit the nail on the head with gaining your dignity back.


Will be interested to see how your sitch turns out. The power is in your hands so to speak. Funny that as we all feel so powerless when that bomb gets droppped.

[Onguard]

In my case, depression was a huge factor. When it lifted I was able to engage life with full enthusiasm again. I was so happy that my depression had finally lifted that I genuinely lost interest in what my ww was doing. The key word here is genuine. I just totally lost the urge to win her back. I had begged, pleaded, pursued and used DB techniques as a "tactic" all to get her back. But finally my focus on winning her back shifted to enjoying my life and becoming the best man I could be. That is when things started to change with her.

My ability to be disciplined and measured about R comes from my genuine feeling that I am not sure what I want and I will be great with or without her. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and MEAN IT. It took almost a full year, and for my depression to lift, in order for my feelings to get to that point. You have all heard Starsky state that he got to the point in his situation where "He was done". Genuinely done. I believe that is one of the keys to saving our M's. We have to be willing to lose it in order to save it.

I have read Sandi2's 37 rules hundreds of times. But until recently executing those rules felt forced. I was doing them in hopes of winning her back. It hurt to do them. It was the opposite of what I really felt like doing. And I'm sure she could see right through me the whole time. For me, this is what it took to get here. I had to go through this time and process in order to get to the place I am in now. It sucked but I survived and I will be stronger because of it for the rest of my life. I believe in myself again. I know that I have a lot to offer and I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

We will never know how strong we are until it is the only choice we have.

[alpha99]

Excellent post Onguard. I too feel I have reached the point of being able to walk away. You're right, all thoughts and actions to reaching this point were probably see through and not genuine, but now you're here - fully detached - it's easy to just let what will be will be without playing games or using tactics.

In my case I'm separated so I'm not expecting the turn around you have seen at all.

Good luck with how this next delicate phase progresses and I hope you get what you want from things.

[Train]

What a long, strange trip it's been, eh?

Re: sandi's rules feeling forced ... yeah. To folks just landing here, and in the first few weeks and months, they are naturally going to be forced. But I think the idea is to work those rules until time starts to heal and create space for self-confidence to grow. Because no one likes to feel like a begging, pleading, rejected fool. And we are all worth so much more than that.

That's just my take on it, and hopefully it offers hope to people who find themselves here and can't *naturally* and immediately detach from their WAS.

I'm so so so so soooooo happy for you, OG. You "worked the steps" and have come out the other side, a clearly stronger and happier person. It can't get better that that.

[Onguard]

Thank you Train. Yes, that is exactly right. I know the rules well enough to recite them in my sleep. Once my feelings caught up with my thoughts, executing the rules became natural and felt good. It just took me longer than most to get to that point. It was a long, hard journey but if you keep chopping eventually the tree will fall. Hopefully those who are new here can gain some strength and confidence from my experience. The true goal is to find happiness and peace. With or without our WS.

[Onguard]

Yesterday it happened. My w made a heartfelt plea for me to give our M another shot. She sent me an email and in it she agreed to my 2 conditions. Stop going to the studio where she met her ap and full transparency. Also, I had not reiterated those conditions for months. She knew what they were and for me to repeat myself would have weakened my position. (Which is exactly what the vets on here taught me). The email was too long and personal for me to share it all but lets just say it was the most beautiful thing she has ever said to me in over 31 years.

I fully understand how much pain I have caused you.
I want to make it up to you, let me prove this to you.
I want to build a new us, a stronger and better us.
I want to show you that you can trust me.
I will never let you go again. I want us. Please tell me that you do too.
I want to be your wife, forever.
I don't know what I was thinking, please give me a chance to prove it. I'm so sorry.

I told her that I was very happy that she feels this way and that I want to build a new relationship too. I also said that it is going to be a long, tough process and she is going to have to be patient with me. But, if she is willing to give 100% then I am too.

For most of the last year I never thought this day would come. I guess now the really hard work begins. Piecing. I'm excited that we are going to try and R. It feels amazing to me that I was able to bust my D for now. I know I keep saying it but THANK YOU to everyone in this amazing community for giving me the knowledge, strength and support to make it this far. And not just the vets, thank you to each of you who has posted the details of your sitch. I hope that you will all find peace and happiness very soon.

[Ontheup]

wow

What a turn around.

[twinmom]

Big hugs and prayers as the hard work starts for you and your wife. May God shower your marriage with his love.