Newcomer dealing with WAH in Midlife Crisis, EA/probly PA

[TP459]

Cadet I thought he should know that his children miss him. They are always happy to see him so he's not seeing their hurt. Our Ds say they are afraid to tell Daddy they miss him & ask him to come home cause they don't want him to be mad at them.

[skhdive]

I understand that the kids miss him. I have a child and my husband left almost 3 months ago. We see him when he comes to take my child to school. We don't talk about dad. (he is 10) and thinks his dad is not a team player. I just tell him dad is working thru some things on his own. I leave the rest to his dad. I don't tell his dad anything about him unless he specifically asks otherwise you risk making them feel guilty and guess who they blame - YOU.

[TP459]

I like the "not a team player". You're right, I'm learning from his aggravation that telling him when they miss him just annoys him & he takes it out on me even tho he's the cause.

My H always promised he would never cheat on me, not that I asked or accused... he would just say that if we heard of someone else cheating. His parents have such a wonderful relationship that I believed 1. He had a great foundation & example & 2. That our relationship was just like theirs & 3. That our love & marriage were too strong. I know everyone thinks they'd never be hear & it's so cliche "I never thought this would happen to me"

Just going to continue to work on myself, detach & act as if. I act "as if" he'll be home any day & our lives are business as usual...just that he doesn't live her at the moment.

[uRworthy]

Hi T. Ok, so, a few things. Stop looking at facebook. Seriously. It will make you crazy.

Your h is in crisis. That means you cannot know what he is thinking because he doesnt even know. Trust me on that.

Those things are not baby steps, sweetie. Those are the actions of someone who is sick and confused.

As I wrote to you, he wants to be heard. He is feeling you arent hearing him. When you pursue, when you tell him you want to go to counseling, etc. he feels unheard. That pushes him further.

You need to get yourself good and strong, T. That is what is going to get you through this.

This was a crisis that was destined to happen and no amount of loving him is going to get him through it. Only he can do that.

What you need to do is live your life. That means handling things on your own.

He thinks that getting rid of the marriage is going to make him happy. That's because he is so depressed. So he lashes out on the thing and person closest to him....you and the marriage.

Until he sees that isnt the case, he will not look within. Yet looking within is the only thing that can get him through the crisis.

So, yea, when your children are sad, you need to be the one to step up. It isnt right, but, its what is right now.

Thinking that by calling him about it is going to make him feel guilty is fauty thinking. It just gets them angry.

He needs to see something different from you so that it builds up in his mind that things can be different.

Please do not contact his parents. Do not discuss this with his family. Do not say anything negative about him to the children.

Those things get them angry, too. And you want to keep the road paved home smooth.

Tell us about you, T...about your childhood. Tell us about his, too.

Who do you want to be?

[TP459]

Going out of my mind! H spent whole day & night with OW!!! I know there's nothing I can do cause anything I do will just push him away more & straight to her!!!

I know he's sick & selfish & lost but damn it!!! I can't believe he is doing this to us & our family!!!

How do you get thru this?

[skhdive]

He knows not what he does. He is only thinking about himself. I thought of it as if he were dead and if so how would I live the rest of my life and so I just started doing things as I always did and a little more to pick up the work he did around the house.

Keep yourself busy and try not to think about him just pretend he is gone for good.

[TP459]

Today went to Co-Dependency workshop & learned about Power of Positive Thinking & Affirmations. It was a really great workshop...just what I needed. Afterwards I had my IC & while in the waiting room heard I love song I had quoted to H before separation...ouch! Heartache returns & I'm fitting off tears in waiting room! I hate all this crying!!! I'm already an emotional person without going thru all of this!

IC was really good for me too! H & I met with this counselor once but he's done so he won't go back & I really liked her so I went myself today & she really helped me. When we met with her before since H was so reluctant to go I kept quiet about all of his actions but today I was able to freely tell her everything he has done & she definitely got an entirely different view then he gave her. He made it all about me being the problem, but today she was able to help me see how much I have really sacrificed far longer then our recent separation.

Do I still want my H back yes but it will take a lot of work especially from him cause he's lost all trust that I've ever had in him & I trusted him soooooooo much. We had a wonderful relationship. We shared so much, did so much together, but we gave each other our own space & didn't get jealous or suspicious. Now I don't know how I'll ever see him that way again! I don't know who he is or if he'll ever return.

The way I see it If I agree to go ahead with D proceedings then I'm just giving him what he wants & the OW too! If I stay & wait it out I may or may not get him back & I may or may not want him back but he'll always have to be in my life cause of the kids so what's the rush! I am planning on going dark tho, enough of him having his cake & eating it too! As therapist said today he knows he has me so it's a safety net & he can go off & have his separate life w/OW, then come back to me & the kids, & live at his parents away from all of us.

It will be a challenge going dark with the kids involved & him still recovering from surgery but I guess I'll just make myself scarce when he's around. I had been doing a 180 by sitting right next to him on the couch (one of the things he mentioned that we don't even sit next to each other anymore) but after pretty much confirming he's having a PA hell no am I sitting next to him! I don't even want to see him right now!

Feeling more confident...at least for now!

If anyone has any tips for going dark with kids & with a H that can't drive or take care of the kids (for the next 6wks at least) let me know...thanks!

[TP459]

First time in almost 2months I don't want to see my H! I may be at a turning point (of course this is how I feel before I actually see him😒). My kids are missing their Dad & he's visiting today & I have to pick him up (he can't drive recovering from shoulder surgery) & bring him to our house.

How do you go dark when you have to be in the same (smallish) house with young kids?

I'm also going to Dr today to get on antidepressant & talk to Dr about my extreme weight loss (32lbs in less then 2mos! Normally it's difficult for me to lose weight cause I was hypothyroid...altho with elevated heart rate & gitters these I wonder if that's changed. I'm not an extremely over weight person, I had weight to lose but starting to get concerned about losing too much & keeping up my strength. I just have no appetite & feel nauseous when I try to eat.)

H said I've got thinner & Im ready for summer meanwhile he's gotten fatter😳 Hey this is what he wanted, guess I wasn't all of his problems since he's still eating his troubles! He actually got to his heaviest after he left!

Again how do I go dark

[Cadet]

I'm also going to Dr today to get on antidepressant & talk to Dr about my extreme weight loss (32lbs in less then 2mos!

This is called the LBS diet and has been experienced by every single person on this board.

Yes take care of yourself.

[TP459]

First Day of going dark (well as dark as I could considering circumstances). I stayed busy, stayed scarce out of the same room, didn't speak unless he came to talk to me then I listened intently but didn't offer up any additional conversation. I remained cheery & kind, just didn't give him attention.

He did come to find me several times to initiate conversation. I cooked dinner but let him it with the kids alone.

I don't think he liked it...score! He seemed bothered & sad! Now only if he didn't have OW, I'm sure it would be more effective!

I think that going dark after having our MC conversation on Monday is the right thing to do. He says he doesn't want me, he wants separate lives so now he won't have my sweet, loving attention!

I went to Dr today. I should've done that in the beginning (but who knew I'd still be here). The Dr & her office manager were so kind to me & really got behind me. They gave me all this information where to find help, get me on antidepressant & told me to call if I need anything. Dr said she wants to make me better, stronger & said lets get you bulletproof! Love it!

I feel better (at least for now).