And the day came ...

[sage]

Hi all,

well, as you know if you've read Calystra's reply to me (and Jim's a while back), etc., I've got some work to do...not just in terms of getting "back on track" after my recent backslide...but in terms of breaking new ground. I haven't successfully DB'ed my way out of a self-created cycle -- h and I getting closer (through doing "things that work") then I start to freak out a bit (is he pulling away? is he still seeing ow?) then I bring it up then we're back to the same old same old. Even when I DON'T bring it up to h. it's all still there. I read through my posts yesterday (yikes, yes all of them) and I was so sad and mad by some of them -- they took the tone -- here are the good things but oh, by the way, I'm still feeling like crap.

Hey, that could be the title of my autobiography!

So...gotta get my DB head not only screwed on but dramatically improved. gonna respond to Calystra AND gonna pull out my list of 32 foibles and put actions around them. gonna start rereading DR -- have a commitment with a BB friend that we're both gonna get to the first 2 chapters by Friday.

Here are my positives:

1. H and I had tango lessons last night. He said all kinds of great stuff afterwards about how he loved to dance with me.

2. We negotiated through a little skirmish after the class when we went seeking food and got all tied up in traffic, dead ends, etc. we did a good job communicating with each other.

3. the kittens slept on the bed for the first time last night. It was very cozy for all of us!

Will be back with the first step on my new journey soon...

sage

[calystra]

Sage, you're amazing! You take everything with such grace, it's so inspiring!

I really like how you focus on the positives! Don't let any negatives creep in there... I definitely think dropping the "What didn't go well:" section of your posts is a great idea.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with because I know it's going to be great. You're gonna do an excellent job.

[calystra]

Darn, I always remember something I forgot to say just after I post...

Anyways, I wanted to mention that I felt like there came a point when I'd moved past the DR and DB book. A lot of the stuff in there just didn't apply anymore and I started focusing more on the KLA tapes. What do you think?

[jsiena]

Sage & Calystra-

I could really use your insight on my post on the MLC board.

Thanks

[Dagny]

Sage--the tango lessons and ILYs sound great. I completely understand about the reassurances, I am at that point now, but as DR states, this seeking could be a giant cheeseless tunnel and until we get out of there, we'll just be stuck.

Inerested in seeing your goals in relation to the list--hoping to gleam so good ideas to get out of my tunnel!

Jackie

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I'm interested in seeing your goals in relation to your list as well! Especially since when David read your thread and saw your list he wanted to know if you knew me!

Cal has me working on lots of lists as well. This is not my best ability. Clear, logical, analytical thinking. Although in some ways it should be, because I tend to overanalyze things people say and do sometimes!

Anyway good luck on your list!! And that things are going better again.

[sage]

Anyways, I wanted to mention that I felt like there came a point when I'd moved past the DR and DB book. A lot of the stuff in there just didn't apply anymore and I started focusing more on the KLA tapes. What do you think?

Cal -- I do have the tapes, too, and have listened to them a few times. For me right now, though, I think I need to us DR to put some serious 180s around my "cycle". It may be easier for me to do that using the book as opposed to the tapes...mostly because I listen to the tapes in my car and can't do the exercises "real time". (obviously, I could use a tape recorder at home or something but...)

Sage

[sage]

Hey everyone,

Continued thanks and gratefulness for all of your support. I'm mired in schoolwork so I haven't been as prolific as usual (not just on my thread but on everyone elses, too!) I have been doing some hard work though putting my list together, rereading DR, etc.

Here are my positives from yesterday:
1. H called a bunch of times yesterday. called to tell me cute stuff about the kittens, etc.

2. h asked ME for a hug! how 'bout that!

3. h said ILY a couple of times and even sent me a few emails (internet is finally back at home). I really like getting emails from him so this is doubly good.

*****************************************
I mentioned that I reread my threads the other day and that it reinforced for me what Cal has been saying -- I'm stuck in a cycle of my own creation. SO many posts on my threads are like "here's a bunch of good stuff but I'm bummed anyway". I feel myself mired in that over and over and over again. Here are the common themes that I saw:

Mondays are hard for me -- I feel distant and unsure

Bringing stuff up to h is unsatisfying and actually detrimental. I hold stuff in, freak out, ask for reassurance (demand it?), don't get it, get mad, etc.

Worrying about stuff that may or may not be happening. Paranoia about ow still being around.

Feeling boring on the phone. Issues around email. Feeling rejected when he doesn't respond to my emails.

My making "ow" the "problem" instead of a symptom of the the problem

I freak out after a period of closeness and create a chaotic situation.

talking to h like a friend...asking for things like I would ask a friend...that works much better than what I'm doing.

I make huge leaps and ASSumptions when I confront h.

I need to focus on what I can control -- my behavior, my thoughts, my responses. I cannot control h., his relationships, his thoughts, his behaviors.

I feel a bit crazy when he goes to check his email.

I lose sight of the good things when I get mired in feeling sorry for myself.

I do not feel like a good wife. the kind of wife that someone is faithful to. I do not feel loveable, chooseable, sexy, pretty, smart, ENOUGH.

we both get mired in "nothing will ever change"

I get horribly stuck when I ASSume that h. is "not on my side".

**************
Those are just the thoughts that jumped out at me from reading my thread. I also pulled out the list of 32 foibles and categorized them. I'll post those separately.

Sage

[sage]

Ok...just a quick thought...(I'm supposed to be doing a paper for school! Procrastination!)

I used to think that h. would never be an equal partner around the house...for years and years I assumed that due to (what I thought were solely) his actions (or lack there of). Found DB, started noticing what he DOES do around the house, started thanking him for it, appreciating it, feel better about myself, feel better about him, think he feels better too. He does a lot now. I ask him to do stuff, too sometimes.

I started noting and journalling the positives on my thread in order to make myself notice them, appreciate them. What if I started mentioning to h. the things that he does (the ilys, the hugs, the whatevers) that I appreciate and make me feel safe, loved, secure, whatever? I don't think I do that much now...my plan wouldn't be to overwhelm him with it -- not much good in that! But, if h. feels as though "nothing is ever enough" in part because I never tell him what IS working, well, couldn't noting and appreciating and commenting be a good thing????

Doesn't hurt to try, right?

Sage

[Hud]

I think that's one of the best things you could possibly do for him.

Hud