I think H is seeing someone else, have suspected it for a while. I actually asked him - I know, I know, he'd never admit it.
Two nights ago - I went to get into bed - (we still share a bed, or shared a bed as of two nights ago anyway), and as I lay my head down on the pillow tears started to pour. Silent sobbing. Very weird for me, so I got my pillow, and blanket, and I moved to the couch. I fell asleep immediately.
When we both got up to start the day, he was very vocal about his schedule for the day, he even made a point to stop, look at me, and tell me what time he would be home. *Strange*
During the day I make a point not to text, or call, and normally I get a simple text from him saying he is on his way home, and I usually respond with ok, or thanks.
Last night I received two texts: one saying he missed the last bus out of the city, and another detailing exactly where he was in the cab. *Very Strange* When I heard him at the door - prior to entering the apartment- he said "wow that took a long time" - I have never ever heard him do anything like that before. *Stranger Still*
When I saw his face - he looked happy, happier than I'd seen him in a long time - even better than he looked that morning. *Hmm*
There was an event at his job, where he quite possibly could have had a good time, and I asked how it went, and whether he enjoyed it. He said it was fine, standard deal, nothing particularly enjoyable. *OK*
He made and ate a sandwich, and got ready for bed. He never used the bathroom. I noticed that because he always has to pee when he gets home. He didn't until he got up later on during the early morning hours - he left the seat up in the bathroom**
***A few weeks ago we spent the weekend together, then he lied to me, hid his phone, and whatever he was doing on it from my sight, he also locked his phone - he has never done that before - in all the years we've been together.
I want to know if he is seeing someone else. I feel like I deserve to know that much. After all I've been going through, making sure I don't disrespect our marriage, even though he wants the divorce.
I feel it's the least he can do for me.
W/41 H/42 Married: 2yrs 6months Together: 11yrs 11/21/14 - Argument H didn't let go - stopped wearing his wedding band 1/23/15 - Asks for Divorce 0 - kids 2 dogs
Of course we don't know here but it would sound like your H is having an affair. Password on the phone is a giveaway. Since you've already confronted it, to me it would seem him being vocal about what he is up to each day, how long it took to get home etc are just ridiculous attempts to make everything seem normal. Have you noticed him pulling away, withdrawing, not arguing with you recently? Is there any way you could get some intel on your H? Perhaps phone records, emails?
My W made up an extra shift at work. She searched the house for a particular pair of knickers. She asked for a lot of money to buy a work colleague a gift for giving her a lift. I ended up following her. She didn't go where she was meant to go. I rang her workplace later on. She wasn't there. I confronted her during the night. She came home and asked for divorce.
I think the most crucial things there are the last two sentences. Think carefully about how you're going to confront your H once you have confirmed his A.
I recommend you do some reading to make sure you get this right. Since your H has already asked for D, getting this wrong could provoke him into action. Get it right!
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
Is he having an affair... possibly Does he want a sandwich... maybe Which socks will he wear tomorrow ... the white ones.
Its all mind reading and only giving us his latest behaviors there is little more than mindreading and guessing along with you as to what he is doing , where he is or with whom.
Thing is he has asked for the divorce already, quite possibly in his mind he is already single and loving as such. Is he having an A ... its possible, just as possible as he is eating a ham sandwich. My point here is you are wasting time worried about what he is doing when you have ZERO control over that, we can not control what they think, what they do nor with whom ... that's all on them.
Now is the time to start on you, that's what you can control. Read the books if you have not done so .... you will realize that this is more about you and less about your husband.
Do you want a D, are you trying to save the M? Counseling both MC and IC? Is he moving out? Its not about the OP ... if there is one ... its about what YOU want, what you will tolerate.
I haven't read the books, I am actually struggling with the idea of saving the M.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate them.
As a newbie, I need all the help I can get.
UPDATE: We talked the same day I posted.
He explained that he was just doing what I'd asked of him. (HA!?) He was nice, which was a refreshing change to the nastiness he was spewing a few weeks ago.
I took the niceness with a grain of salt however: - the man stopped wearing his ring - added a password to his otherwise unlocked phone - lied about what he was doing on his phone - and asked for a divorce.
It ain't rocket science!
That being said, whatever H is doing, he is on the fence about it.
H tells me he loves me, kisses me albeit - on the forehead - hugs me.
He said he has tried to open his heart to working it out, but would just be staying in the marriage because he feels sorry for me, purely out of pity...and sex.
I've never felt so guilty about having sex with my H - it's pathetic, and sadly, very romantic.
I also think he doesn't want to put in the work to save our marriage, and examine his bad behavior - because he has decided everything is my fault.
I would like to follow him, hire a detective, unlock his phone, (I tried - my hands were sweating, I was shaking like I had parkinson's). I made myself sick, almost threw up.
If he is seeing someone - it's at work - or the gym.
Just before he asked for the divorce, my job prevented me from getting to the gym we used to work out together.
I don't know what I would do if I confirmed he was seeing someone else. I don't know what I would do if he finally filed for divorce.
At this point I've just been trying to remain a faithful partner, and not give in to my need to get back at H for abandoning me.
W/41 H/42 Married: 2yrs 6months Together: 11yrs 11/21/14 - Argument H didn't let go - stopped wearing his wedding band 1/23/15 - Asks for Divorce 0 - kids 2 dogs
Have you told him that you're not willing to live in an open marriage?
ARE you willing to live in an open marriage?
If you *are* still having sex with him, I hope to God that you are using protection. Please be careful, Palau -- your health is far more important than your marriage.
When we first met, we actually went to the Doctor together.
Our respective exes gave us both (non- life threatening) venereal parting gifts.
We've had terrible breakups.
Which is why I thought I had a real partner in crime in him.
He has been willing to talk to me about my feelings on seeing other people, but I think I have to let go of saving the marriage.
I am going to pool my (limited) resources, and try to get out of the apartment.
The pain is unbearable.
He's not interested in saving, or being married (to me anyway).
I would like a little "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" please, and thank you!
W/41 H/42 Married: 2yrs 6months Together: 11yrs 11/21/14 - Argument H didn't let go - stopped wearing his wedding band 1/23/15 - Asks for Divorce 0 - kids 2 dogs
