My wife and I have been separated for 5 months--she filed for divorce the day after she left. As far as I know, there is no OM. I would be devastated, too.
As Rick1963 said, "She only cares about her."
Please, don't give up. This is going to take some time to play itself out.
I'll add you to my prayer list tonight!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I don't know how to respond to her at this point because, as far as I know, she doesnt know I know about the OM. She'll text me about stuff about our son, and about some bill she thought she lost but now she found it.... I mean.... how do I respond to stuff like that? Go dark? Be pleasant? Be short?
I read Sandi's 37 rules and I got into her LBS/WW threads (I believe I went through 2 sets of 11/12 pages...lol). Its all GREAT stuff!
I know I need to detach. So, I'm doing that. But, I also read you have to do it right. And I'm not quite sure how to do that. My DB coach also gave me stuff to do too.
I also read at one point that, if a person you were dating cheated on you, you wouldn't give them the time of day. Which is true, when I was dating women, I would just not talk to them anymore if they were trying to play me. Simple as that. So... do I go about this the same way?
The other question is.... IS this cheating? We are separated. Not divorced yet, but is it cheating if we are separated? I think it is because we are still married. She obviously does not.
This is all so horrible. Thanks for the support y'all..... and Bob, thanks for adding me to your prayers too. I'll add you to mine as well.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
Had a great weekend up until today..... I went out all weekend with friends and just had an all around great time. That was until today.... my W and I met up at our house to discuss division of assets and such, and then out of nowhere she started crying. She said it was all sad.
I agreed with her that it is sad and that, once again, I didnt want to do any of this. Not one thing. I said we can stop, we can quit doing this and work on us. But, just as quickly as she started crying, she quit and it was back to business.
I was shocked. It was like she didnt like how I was moving forward with our plans, but yet, she won't tell me that she wants to stop. She apologized for crying and then said she was fine, but I could tell there was something in her eyes. I just don't understand it at all.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
I have to reread your posts, I was following but I'm not crystal clear on all of it. But man, I hope you learn from this encounter.
No pursuing. No temperature checking.
What happens is the WAW is conflicted. They are feeling empowered, excited, resentful, etc. But they are also feeling guilty, regretful, and heartbroken. Those two feelings are playing tug of war.
When you see the conflict it's natural to want to jump on the side of "heartbroken" and start pulling. But what happens is that as soon as you do it pulls her out of balance, uncomfortably closer than she wanted to get. She responds the only way she can which is to stop feeling that way and focus all of her power on the other side of the coin. YOU ARE FORCING HER TO STRENGTHEN HER POSITION ON DIVORCE because that's the only way she can keep from being pulled closer than she wants to be!
Instead you need to validate only. "I can see why this is so difficult". Nothing in there about how it's difficult for YOU. Nothing in there to guilt her. To try to wake her up. Just acknowledgment, then back to your detachment and GAL.
No it's not easy, but it's your M you're fighting for.
Not trying to pour salt on the wounds after a tough day. It's ok to make mistakes, lord knows we all do. I just want you to think hard about this and learn from them so you don't drive her all the way to another M before you switch strategies.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Oh- and when you keep telling her "we can stop this" you are forcing her to keep moving.
Look- if she knows she can come back, but doesn't know if she'll have the strength to leave again, her best decision is to leave because she can always change her mind and use you as a plan B.
If, however, she sees you're moving on and not putting up with her BS...she'll have to make a DECISION.
YOU are the one that's keeping her from making a real decision, or suffering any consequences for her actions. You're an enabler! How can she suffer consequences when you'll instantly forgive and forget anything she does/says?
I know it stinks that we have to "play games" with our spouse. Maybe you think it's noble not to. But DBing is about doing what works regardless of how we feel. If following our feelings made an M work this forum wouldn't be here and neither would you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
As bazaar as it may sound, you have to stop thinking of her "as your wife". She has chosen to remove herself from the M, and has replaced you with another man. As long as you think of her "as your W" your emotions will have you so confused until you can't think straight. To help keep your emotions from dictating your actions, work on thinking of her the way you would a former girlfriend who cheated on you. I realize it's different, but just try.
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I don't know how to respond to her at this point because, as far as I know, she doesnt know I know about the OM. She'll text me about stuff about our son, and about some bill she thought she lost but now she found it.... I mean.... how do I respond to stuff like that? Go dark? Be pleasant? Be short?
Never act like her victim, and do not show her how badly this affects you. Any type of pitiful, sad, hurt, pouting, & rejected behavior from you will simply turn her off worse than she already is.....plus reinforce her reasons for replacing you with OM.
Other behaviors such as jealousy, rage, spitefulness, vindictiveness, self-righteousness, punitive, etc., justifies her reasons for leaving the M.
However, do not confuse those behaviors with showing a firm stance whenever dealing with a WW. Always......ALWAYS be prepared for her to flip her behavior around on a dime. At this point, every encounter is a test for you. You cannot trust or believe anything she says. Do not forget to wear your armor at all times.
When she texts about things you listed in your quote, learn to respond with one word replies. Most LBH's want to take the opportunity to chat. Wrong thing to do with a WW. Don't chat.....EVER. If she doesn't ask a question in her text, then determine if you even need to reply. Again, use just as few words as possible.
When exchanging kids or whatever that has you face to face with her, be civil. Think of polite, only. Right now, you really don't even have to be all that friendly, IMO. So, just act civilized for the time being. Refrain from making cutting or sarcastic remarks. Do not ask her questions about OM. Remember, you already know all you need to know. Trying to get her to admit it......has no value for you. It won't change a thing.
She'll discover you know about OM soon enough. In the meantime, if you see her face to face, have an attitude of, "He can have you b/c you are not the girl I once loved".
Walk and talk with complete self-confidence. It is one of the most attractive things a man can do!
I agreed with her that it is sad and that, once again, I didnt want to do any of this. Not one thing. I said we can stop, we can quit doing this and work on us. But, just as quickly as she started crying, she quit and it was back to business.
Tuck this under your hat for future encounters. Tears are not a sign she's rethinking the situation. It is not your clue to jump in to assure her that you still love her and want to save the M. The LBH gets this all turned around backwards and thinks he has to convince her that she doesn't have to get a D and that she can come back home and all will be forgiven. But as long as she's wayward, that is the wrong message to give her. Do not forget it. One day in the near future, when her fantasy starts crumbling, you may hear her say, "You'll never be able to forgive me", but it's just a temp check. That's all it is.
LBH'S need to know that the heart of a WW is cold, mean, selfish, and greedy. She may not want you, but she wants to keep you under her thumb. If you grieve for her, that's just lovely. However, if she sees you being happy and enjoying life without her........and God forbid you may have thoughts of replacingher.......she just comes unglued.
Do not try to rescue her, b/c the sooner her fantasy with OM falls down around her, the better for everyone. You have to step away and let the reality she's created take a big bite out of her a$$ that gets her attention. Then, when you see the tears (and you will), remember that she's crying for herself b/c life is so cruel and unfair to her. Hopefully, some day you will see her shed tears of true remorse. Sadly, that day won't come quickly.
So, be good to yourself. Move forward with your life. Protect yourself and your kids. Put their safety, health, security, and happiness first. If there's a question of what's best for your children, never hesitate out of fear of what she may think about it. Do the best you can, based on what you believe to be the right thing to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
