My fail of sadness....

[Zues126]

BMW- I would really encourage you to read my posts from the beginning. I started posting the week of BD.

I don't know exactly where my nuggets are, but I can promise you that I was the absolute best in the universe at blocking out emotions. I mean, all I did was play pool. Any feelings got stuffed away, then when I felt bad I turned that into a silent rage that I didn't even know was rage because I was numb to it. I just seethed and channeled it into trying to destroy everyone in the world on the pool table. I lived this all day every day for many years. Not only didn't I think I had a problem, I thought I was superior to others because I wasn't "so emotional".

I have gone from that, from overwhelming depression, from constant anxiety, from bipolar/addict like cycling, to the closest thing I've found to inner peace in my life. And I really feel like my thread documents that journey with all of my thoughts along the way documented.

I'd better be careful. Pride comes before a fall. By saying this I'm probably setting myself up, so I'll admit I have a lot of growing to do, will stay grounded in the moment, and will pray for continued strength. Good luck!

[BW911]

I honestly fell into a deeper depression when I got back and realized that I was not really needed or wanted. But.... since then I got help, went to counseling, was diagnosed with severe depression and got put on medication for it. Went to anger management classes, I mean completely did a 180 and got help.

But, so far, its been to no avail. Its like she doesn't even care.

[BW911]

Zues, Yea I have been reading your story as well as many of the others. The similarities between all of our stories really are eye opening. The initial reasons and some of the more specific details can be a little different but most of them sound so familiar.

I am interested in the GAL stuff. Im finding that part the hardest.

[Rick1963]

GALing is hard. Yet it can be exiting. Doing things on your own will feel alien. God do I know. However, before we separated I realized I was doing things alone. Even going to Home Depot. We went everywhere together before. Dont be afraid. Enjoy life

[BW911]

Rick.... yea its tough. Ive been looking online to see what kind of local things there are I could get involved in. Before, I used to DJ (got out of that), I used to ride motorcycles (sold my bike), so now.... its hard to figure out what to do with my time other than exercise. Reconnecting with friends has been great. I workout darn near constantly these days. I used to work out before, but now its an addiction. It'd be great to find someone who likes to workout as much as I do and who has the time to do it like I do now..... all this time..... sometimes its intimidating trying to figure out what to do with my time.

[Rick1963]

During my stich I began working out like crazy. I began ridding my bike. I was doing 14 mile rides in an hour. Careful there im old lol.I lost 50lbs was in the best shape ever. Will start again once the weather breaks. You are doing good so be patient and take care of yourself. These are hard times my friend

[Cadet]

Maybe try some new things, I have taken a bunch of courses on-line for free. Coursera.org will give you free college courses

I have taken 4 music classes and 3 genetics classes, all for free.

Or volunteer someplace, I am sure there are plenty of places to do that!

[BW911]

Rick.... yea, its weird how much energy I have to throw at running these days and also with lifting. But, Im there and I'm doing it and it feels good, so I do it. Thank you for the positive words. Its taking time, but I'm slowly but surely feeling better about myself. These times are truly hard, but with time and energy, they are getting easier to deal with.

Cadet..... I definitely plan on trying new things. I'll take a look at those online courses for sure. Volunteering is a great idea, and the USAF is always pushing that too anyway... lol.

Oh, and on a side note.... had my very first DB coaching session with Leni tonight..... it went great and I learned so much. Now, to implement what I was told. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it.

Thank you everyone for your support!

[Cadet]

the USAF is always pushing that too anyway... lol.

Are you in the USAF?

Interesting, I have had that experience too.

Thank you for your service!

[Rick1963]

Hey BW. August of 2011 reality hit me that she was done. I became very depressed. Lost sooo much weight that even Cadet was worried. He thinks I dont remember . Great man.

In one day I manually detached my 1/4 acre lawn, mowed it, clean the pool and took a 14 mile bike ride? I may have even flown my RC planes. Dont remember that part. it is possible that I did other stuff. Cant recall.

Do what you must to feel good and get strong again. That is the initial goal