Wife Still in MLC but now left #9

[Matt165]

I hear you Wonka,
The fact is I can start making much better money at this job given time and experience. The problem is that nothing happens overnight. I know I can do this job really well. It will just take me time to build up clients and get referrals, that sort of thing. My boss is expecting me to master everything without having any experience. I'm worried that he is so angry that the other people who work there haven't started doing as well as HE thinks they should, he is taking it out on me as well.

Right now I am in emergency mode. Tonight I saw my wife when I picked up my D19. She was angry and said she wanted to speak with me alone. We went outside and she said "Why didn't you tell me that you knew D15 was cutting herself before I found out?". I looked at her and said what is she talking about. She said that her counselor called and said that D15 "has a plan in place" to kill herself. She is going to take pills apparently. Then STBXW went on a spew about how my D19 "told you that she thought D15 was cutting herself and you did nothing!". I told her that D19 said a few days before STBXW found the cuts on D15's leg, that a lot of girls her age cut and maybe that was what was up with her sister. I had planned on talking to her and asking to see her arms when she came back to stay with me.

Of course Miss MLCer of the year didn't want to "believe" that, that I "lie all the time" and I should have called her right away when D19 said that. She went on to say that D15 isn't "safe" with me because I have "pills all over the house" (where that gem came from I have no idea) and that she doesn't trust that D15 is safe with me anymore. That she talks to her and I just ignore her. That she doesn't believe anything I say. She was on a total spin. Just because D19 said that she and I talked about D15 maybe cutting herself. I tried to stay calm and did for the most part until she kept pushing. STBXW said that D15 hates being with me which is why she wants to stay with her (the reason is because she is always alone and can do whatever she wants and never has to see her mother) that when she's with me "All you do is stay in your room and watch TV and leave her alone. When she's with me we do things together, have dinner and "clean together"" Now, how they have dinner together is beyond me since she works late or is out with her friends every night until 9:00 but I bet her 15 year old just LOVES cleaning together!

At that point I lost it a bit and said that the reason D15 wants to stay there is because she's alone and can do whatever she wants and never has to see her. This is the woman who never and I mean NEVER took either of her D's anywhere or did anything with them for YEARS now. I had to take D19 to get her prom dresses for God's sake because her mother couldn't be bothered. Now she is saying both my girls are UNSAFE with me. Of course D19 told me that before D15's cutting was discovered, STBXW told her she thought D15 might be on drugs. She never called me and said "I think D15 is on drugs"so should I say that she is UNSAFE with her mother?

I wasn't going to tell her mother that she was cutting herself unless I knew she was. Simply because her mother would over react and make things worse. Now, if I KNEW she was I definitely would have told her. To this STBXW said "You are such a liar! You lie about EVERYTHING! You have stolen my life and I wasted my life taking care of YOU!" This from the woman who didn't work for 80% of our M, who was "Too sick" to get out of a chair for years, then went to work and stopped being anything close to either a W or mother!

The last thing D15 needs is this crap. I have tried to be nice, never say anything bad about their mother to either of the girls, put myself out so D19 could see her mom since she only saw her 3 times in the last year! No, I'm a danger to them both because I didn't call her and tell her that a 19 year old said that girls her age cut themselves so we should check that out right away. And now she's going to try and keep my D15 and I apart!

So, tonight I emailed D15's counselor and told him that from now on, he has to keep me informed about everything that is going on with D15. That STBXW and I have JOINT custody and both of us must be kept informed about anything, like that she has a "plan" on how to kill herself. That STBXW has now accused me of witholding info when I didn't and is saying that D15 isn't "safe" with me. That this is not what D15 needs right now. I went on to say that at this point I think it would be a good idea to have a meeting with the whole family in an environment where her parents aren't making wild accusations about her "safety". That what's important now is what's best for D15.

STBXW must by now understand that it was her actions that caused D15 to be where she's at now. That her choices have led D15 to be exactly where she's at now. Ex even said "D15's whole life is totally changed, you know how hard that must be for her". Yes, I do actually. This is why you just don't walk away from a 20 year M, destroy a family, move a 14 year old away from everything she has ever known and ignore her and let her [censored] eating grand father scream at her until she goes into her room and cuts herself. (That was the first time D15 cut herself. When her GF wouldn't stop yelling at her that she needed to be "nicer" to her mother). If D15 is "unsafe" it's with her mother, not me.

Today started with STBXW getting on me to sign the Final Decree which I just got last week. I told her I would do it, I just have to find time I can get out of work and that bugged her. She wanted me to do it RIGHT NOW and I just don't jump for her anymore. The way she is acting is the worst possible way for her to act when D15 is this upset, this much in crisis. She has no idea what she is doing and doesn't care. What is best for D15 doesn't cross her mind, only what she wants does. I have been there for my kids while she has done nothing but act like a 15 year old herself. Now she is going to put a 15 year old who is already on the edge in the middle of a custody nightmare where she is going to try and keep us apart. I can't stand much more of this. She destroyed me financially, ruined any chance I had at making my business work, stole my life, lied, spent all my retirement money while keeping hers. She will not be satisfied until her D actually kills herself and will blame me when it happens.

Wonka you are right about her and her daddy. She has become him as he always blamed her mother when her and her brother acted out. She is going to go crazy when he dies (crazier) and part of me is glad. I will protect my D's, they know who cares and who doesn't. For the first time I actually wish her ill will. I want her gone, not just from my life but from my D's lives as well. She is as lost and as she can be and is getting farther and farther from reality. I now know how love can turn to hate, something I never thought would happen.

I need my friends now. I need you guys to talk me down because neither me nor D15 can afford for me to be anything but clear headed. My D's need me, I need to stay calm and centered and right now I'm on the ragged edge of losing it.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

She is really good a pulling your strings.

The question is are you going to continue to allow her too?

She is in crisis and has been for a while now. She wants everyone around her to be in crisis too. Are you going to be part of that?

The decisions are yours to make. You can be the level headed good father that you are or choose the other way. Until you stop allowing her to steer your ship you will be in chaos.

[Wonka]

Matt,

Do you and the girls have a support group in your local area? Join a church or SOMETHING. You are isolated and you need friends to surround you. I think it's high time that you also research churches and organizations that will provide you and D's some outlet to channel the inner tension in being displaced by W's actions.

It is even more important now that you begin doing this as I am pretty sure that the chit will hit the fan after FIL passes away. You and the girls need to be surrounded by loving and supportive people.

As for your job, you know best. I just think that you've been on the treadmill for too long without any relief. Do you foresee being in this field until you hit old age. It seems very exhausting having to chase down every lead and closing those deals.

[Drew]

Matt,

I know you're going through some really tough times. I do. I've been there. The only way through is through.

But I'd like to point something out. Something that might help you and your girls out down the road.

I wasn't going to tell her mother that she was cutting herself unless I knew she was. Simply because her mother would over react and make things worse. Now, if I KNEW she was I definitely would have told her.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you knew she was cutting herself. And assuming you know how her mother would react ... is just that, an assumption.

Think about this: Everything your STBXW spewed at you? Is true. To her. From her point of view.

Not saying it's right. Oh no. Not my point.

My point is that the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Look, your daughter needs help. From both of you. You're gonna have to put aside your differences for a moment to get her the help she needs.

[CaliGuy]

^^ X2

Matt .. I read your sitch, do not always post ... but I do really think the support group would be a great 180, GAL and add to the PMA bucket.

Outside looking in there is so much on your plate man, and it seems to just multiply at times .... I honestly feel that you could really benefit from some positive influences, regardless of the source. The reasons I say this is I truly believe people who have a positive spin on things in general end up being happier .. in general and for whatever reason things just start falling in place for them ... its hard to explain but I see it the opposite aswell, I have a buddy, we have been best friends since HS, he divorced about 12 years ago ... he has held on to the bitterness and looks at the negative in everything, dude was paying ridiculous child support, living in a trailer, driving an old jeep. We talk, I pushed him to start GALing (wonder where I got that from) we even discussed why he was still living in our home town as the XW and kids moved, still working the dead end job, still focused on relationships that were long gone. Lightbulb went off ... in the past 6 months he moved, better job, recently bought a new Dodge Charger and is finally starting to get his life together.

Moral of the story ... looking at the positive, consistently can really change the way things are going for you. You have a job that might have promise, or maybe its not for you ... you know the answer to that deep down, you are an excellent father, you can not control what stbxh and her father do, maybe he controls her, maybe he doesn't, she is still making poor MLC type choices and its affecting you, I get that ... you are doing all you can there ... do not live in the bitterness .. do not let her win that way.

[Mighty]

Hey Matt... I only have a sec. Stbxw... Projection at it's finest.

Seriously.

This is where you step back, my friend. You see nothing you say or do will get through to her. She will not see it the way you do. Just emotionally check out.

Expect nothing good to come from her. Sounds harsh, but expectations can really keep ya back. So check out of her sitch, bud. Chalk it up as crazy-talk and carry on.

Focus on progressing w/o her. W you and your girls. You can do this, Matt. You have a lot if strength and a good heart. You are a great dad. Don't get swallowed up in the nonsense. Keep taking those steps for u and ur girls. You will push through.

[TenBook]

Matt. You are gonna be the guy, when 10 years down the road your daughters will remember how dad was their saving grace in this whole situation.

They will remember what dad sacrificed and did for them.

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,
I had asked you not long ago 'about your outlets.' What are you doing to get a break (!!) from this ongoing assault?

You need some sort of outlet from the constant badgering. The posters before this mentioned some possibilities - support groups / Church groups etc. Please look into - this thing will consume you.

For me, very often when I have reached saturation point & if I am able to, my social networks kick in & I feel better. Find out who can support you & the girls while you are on this horrendous path. They will make it smoother for you until you feel a bit better. This is hard work to do alone, reach out re: support - you need a break to get stronger, so that whenever the sitch takes yet another ugly turn, you won't feel as vulnerable .
Looking forward to hearing better news next time, p.

[2BHappy]

Hey Matt,

This weekend, could you do something JUST FOR YOU. I know your DD's need you, but if you dont take care of YOU, then you cannot take care of them.

FORGET anything your XW says, its a waste of your time to even hear her. Stay on point and together for your DD's.

GAL this weekend if you can, even if its just a drive a walk a long nap,,something for YOU.

[pbetra]

Amen 2BHappy!
Matt? I keep checking on you! hope you are a bit better - let us know