Hi, I have been on and off of this board for years. Gosh it is hard. H left 3 days before our 25th wedding anniversary and same month of my 50th bday. Double whammy! Ha. In these last 7 months, I've gone through all of the usual grieving stages. Sought counseling from a therapist. Sought legal counsel. In the end...I think the old phrase "time heals all wounds" is coming true for me. H was still in pretty good contact until month 6....then he dropped off. Stopped coming around to pick up the dogs. Even bought a brand new sportster Harley. Classic MLC. I don't even know where he lives?
After 7 months, I still cry, but day by day it is getting a little easier? I've learned not to expect anything from H. He has said many times over the last six months "maybe we can see each other" but I'm not going to initiate. And it has never happened. My kids in their 20's are Switzerland as they should be.
Luckily my H is still supporting us financially which is enormously appreciated. But he is still a rat *astard for breaking my heart. Not sure what will happen from here. At least for now, he is paying the bills, I have the house, and the dogs!
Much love to all of you in this same situation. I get it.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
abbey, Did you reconcile and he's flown the coop again or has he lived at home all of this time and is just now flying the coop?
What he's done thus far, from your posting, is pretty typical.
I know it's difficult, but keep the focus on you and your family. He's in the rabbit hole and one day, he'll poke his head out to see if you are still right where he left you. Little does he realize that life continues on while he's hibernating.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hiya Abby - Good to see you again. I went back over some of your previous posts to remind myself of your situation, and I ran across this post that I made to you two years ago:
Quote:
Abbey -
How many years has this been going on now?
I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.
I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.
If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?
It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.
Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.
On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?
Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.
OK - so now you know for sure he is with the OW, and he's not telling you where he lives because - guess what? - he's living with the OW! And he's furious with son for finding that picture of him with OW because he's still not man enough to come clean about his affair.
Abby, honey, honestly you've known this for years but kept avoiding getting a P.I. and confirming it, you let him gaslight you instead. Don't let him do that any more.
And don't be fooled by him continuing to pay the bills for now. If he's doing that, either A) his momentary guilt will wear off soon and he'll stop being so generous or B) he's doing it because it is less than what he'll have to pay you in a divorce.
If you think he's doing it out of guilt, I would suggest that NOW is the best time to divorce while he is still feeling generous and you might get a better settlement out of him.
You need to make sure he's not spending retirement funds or hiding money or anything else that would scr@w you out of your fair share.
Right now is the time to do what you need to do for YOU to be financially secure. Take care of the business side of things.
He's lied to you for years, until even HIS non-existent conscience couldn't go through with celebrating 25 years of marriage when he knew he'd been cheating on you for years. He's spent family money while you were struggling. He CANNOT BE TRUSTED. He's not even man enough to own up to his affair now, after he's left.
It's time to plan a new fabulous life for Abby, and do what is best for YOU.
Abbey, nothing I can possibly say to you now that I haven't said already on all of your previous threads. Until you're ready to finally confront the reality of your situation, there's really not much any of us can say to help you.
I don't agree with Starsky - I DO believe we can and do help each other here, no matter what the situation. It took you a long time to face this - so what's new? Lots of people here like that. (Heck, I should have left my H in the first year of marriage, I stuck my head in the sand for over two decades lol).
I should have said that better, kml -- I meant there's nothing anyone can do if Abbey isn't willing to put in the work. I'm sure you'd agree with that.
Abbey, as you know I've posted to you as much as anybody, and you KNOW I want to help you. I don't care if you come back and tell me you hate me and I'm full of cr*p -- COME BACK. You always disappear, then come and post with a vent, and then disappear again without facing the tough questions.
We're only trying to help you. I HATE seeing you in this kind of pain, and I truly want you to confront this and get past it. I promise, there IS a happier, healthier world waiting on the other side!
