1) accept the fact that she fell in love and made her decision. You can not do anything about it. 2) do what you have to do, to become a better Koalada, without the intention to impress or convince her. The changes are for you and your future. She might be part of it or not. She might like the changes or not. 3) be honest to yourself about your shortcomings during the M, work on those points and become a better husband in the future. 4) follow the LRT and the 37 rules and see what happens.
What do you think? Did I hit the pot at least once?
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Koalada.... you're not feeling anything different than most of us have felt and/or are feeling currently. The anger...... will get you no where. The sadness..... while it can feel good to curl up in a ball and wallow in it...... it too will get you no where. However, just like was advised to me, you gotta live in it. You have to sit in it and feel it and deal with it. Its not easy, it won't be easy, and it will not be fun. HOWEVER..... over time..... it will get easier to deal with. But not right now... right now its fresh and it hurts. But this time, THIS TIME, is crucial. DO NOT ACT on emotions. Don't do anything rash, don't say anything rash, keep it together and keep yourself in check. Because right now, you can do and say things that can be COMPLETELY counter productive.
You HAVE to look at what got you to where you are at now. What led up to it? What part did you play and have you taken responsibility for your part? Only after that, and after forgiving yourself for your part and for maybe even asking for forgiveness from her for your part, can you truly start healing.
Keep your chin up brother. You are NOT alone in this. I may be an ocean away, but I understand what you are saying and what you are going through. Stay calm, cool, collected and positive.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
BW911: thank you for the uplifting words. It feels so good not to be alone in this. Sometimes I am totally losing myself in her. In love songs this sounds good, but in reality it is not that exciting. To focus on myself and to move on sounds strange to me, because I was / am dependent on her. I know it is the right thing to do GAL and to detach. Isn't it weird that one can be so resistant to the idea of becoming an independent and strong person? Why would I rather be a dependent and weak man? Those are rhetorical questions right now and I am afraid that the answers will bring with them a lot of work to do.
Regarding my colleague, I am working for the youth welfare office. And she is responsible for calculating the maintenance payments. But I am sure that the structures are a bit different in every country.
Folks, thank you so much for your support. I hope that I can do the same one day for others.
Ok, S10 is waiting. He's with me for a night.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
1) accept the fact that she fell in love and made her decision. You can not do anything about it. 2) do what you have to do, to become a better Koalada, without the intention to impress or convince her. The changes are for you and your future. She might be part of it or not. She might like the changes or not. 3) be honest to yourself about your shortcomings during the M, work on those points and become a better husband in the future. 4) follow the LRT and the 37 rules and see what happens.
What do you think? Did I hit the pot at least once?
I think this^^ sums it up pretty well. Living it is another thing. And we all stumble at times.
What matters is that we get up again. So, Keep on keeping on.
Be the best father you can, now and forever. That will always be the right choice.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Koalada, once again.... I feel ya brother. It sure is hard to GAL. Especially when you've dedicated and spent so much of your time and life with her. Im in the same boat. I allowed myself, over the years, to drift from MY friends, to get out of MY hobbies, the things that really helped define who I was. So now, trying to get back to those things, is extremely hard. But, its worth the work and effort. Not for her, she'll see it.... but for you.
Time is your enemy during this stuff and is your friend. It doesnt move fast enough and it also allows you to slowly feel better.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
I am collecting songs in my current thread. Can you please post "broken together" there if you want (no links, please), and please check out other songs that others have suggested. Eventually I will collate all the collected songs into a single post.
Music can be very helpful and therapeutic when we are struggling. Don't you agree?
I hope you'll add "I Will Love Again" And "I Will Survive"
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really like Conga Del Fuego, conducted by Gustavo Dudamel. It always reminds me of Pink....and I apologise in advance Pink for mixing up any South American references!
I have played this a lot in recent months - good for a bit of Latin American dancing!
I've also sung 'Let him go, let him tarry...' quite a lot to myself. That happens on 'watching calmly as he drives his bus off a cliff' days...
Last edited by Toots; 04/08/1504:48 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Right now: I have made the decision to spend the weekend with the children and do not think about if it helps W or not. I love my kids and they love me. Once I stopped being stubborn and stopped caring about her "interpretation", it was a no-brainer.
Your replies to my desperate and weird posts really helped me to get back on track. Applying the basic principles and building the right mindset and not get caught up with "strategy A vs strategy B".
Everything I read, that really gives me the aha-moment, is about detachment. NMMNG and Models are the most read ones right now.
Physical detachment is a more or less simple concept for me, but the emotional detachment is another story. Due to the fact that I am A) not used to recognize my emotions and B) usually deal with them in the way of getting approval from others or just pushing them away, I really struggle at this point.
Do you have any hands-on advice for starting and moving on with emotional detachment?
Btw. if I feel the need to send my W messages or phone her, I listen to "you won't let me" from Rachael Yamagata or "has it happen yet". Sometimes I hear it once or twice as loud as I could and the need to call her gets smaller.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
