Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

Last thread:
Susana (6) - Feelin' Stronger Every Day

Feel free to carry on pizza-related discussions here.

[susana4]

Had an opportunity to do a small 180 this morning. H and I were about to head out the door when I stopped to make a thermos of coffee and asked if he wanted one.

He said "no, there's no time to make coffee!" (not true, we had 10 minutes before we needed to leave) I had a total meltdown moment: NO ONE gets between me and my coffee in the morning.

I mumbled something incoherent and snarky about how I didn't care what he did but I would *not* be entering the day caffeine-deprived, and went into another room to gather myself for a moment and then came back and started to explain what had upset me. He interrupted me and said - "I think we're making a big deal out of something really small". At first I got even more angry because zomg! he interrupted me. But then I pulled myself out of it almost immediately and thought - this is ridiculous, do I really want to start a fight over a coffee? And instead we just had some light, pleasant chit chat on our walk to the train station and laughed instead.

I know how ridiculous this is but that sort of thing would have absolutely ruined our day before. I would have blown it way out of proportion and we would have argued all the way to the train. I wish I'd stopped myself at the point before I had to leave the room, but this is still progress.


On pizza:

Went to the grocery store over my lunch break and bought some Chianti, some pizza bases (btw those of you in the UK - highly recommend Crosta & Mollica pizza base, it's pre-baked in a wood fired oven and I think it's the closest you can get to making a restaurant-style pizza at home), fresh mozz and basil (mmm basil, my favourite herb!) and assorted toppings.

I'm working from home this afternoon and it is SO HARD not to make and eat the pizza now.

Willpower. Willpower. Willpower.

[Wonka]

Good job...on STFU! It is a charm...really. Sometimes biting one's tongue is really taking it for the team. No?

Can't wait to hear about your pizza adventures, Susana.

[susana4]

Thanks Wonka! I'm so glad I shut up. One thing I've learned in my DB journey is I was making *myself* miserable with situations like that - I could have carried on being angry the whole way to the train, and what good would that have done? It would have ruined both his morning, and mine! Instead, I got to have a pleasant chat, and not stew in my own anger.

[susana4]

So...pizza was amazing, wine was good, company less so. Red wine always get me a bit down and moody, so maybe it wasn't the best choice of tipple. I don't know if it's the red wine or something else but I'm sort of in a 'why am I trying to save this M?' state of mind. But, I know by now this is likely a temporary mood and will pass.

H was a bit out of sorts all evening - was tired and stressed about money (he's always stressing about money). He seemed excited for the pizza but not very talkative.

No matter, I was excited about the pizza. And it was GOOD. I suggested watching Friends or some standup (laughter is good, right?) while we ate, he chose friends. Then after about an hour he said he wanted to put on Battlestar Galactica, which he's been watching. I said I'd watch it with him if he got me up to speed, but he was insistent there was no point in me watching, I wouldn't like it. etc. (how would he know if I've never seen it? I digress...)

So he started to retreat to watch it on his own and then last minute had a change of heart and said "actually let's watch standup together, do you want to?"

So I made us some ice cream sundaes and more wine (note: very strange combo, not very tasty) and we watched and laughed some more.

Then I got a text that my grandmother's ill and may have to go back into hospital so that took a more serious turn to the evening. The wine at that point didn't help and I got a bit teary and H held me. H not very good at validating though (clearly he has never read Wonka's validation cheat sheet) - he actually said to me "well, you don't know that she won't be alright"

I pulled myself together and we watched a little more standup and then he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed earlier than usual. He seemed a bit more upbeat and was joking with me while we got ready for bed and when he came to say good night he was very smiley and giving me googly eyes (in a non-sexual way).

But I just found myself thinking - what was the point of spending the evening with him if he barely spoke to me? I may as well have had the pizza on my own and then I would have had two pizzas to myself. (Ok ok, maybe that would have been too much...)

I know it's just a mood and will likely change tomorrow. I'm also a bit disappointed because my friend cancelled my GAL tomorrow and now I'm at loose ends on what to do. Kind of feel like I shouldn't spend another night in with H. And I was looking forward to dressing up and seeing my friend, too!

[susana4]

Going to research alternative GAL now...

[Train]

I love how you jump right back in the saddle!

Your thread is lovely and so positive, susana. I think you're rockin' it.

[susana4]

Thanks Train! Nice to get positive feedback! I don't always feel 100% sure I'm on the right track but I do feel more and more confident, and positive, every day.

Alternative GAL will likely be a lecture at the local university. These are my go-to backup GAL plans (highly recommended). I discovered they have FREE lectures almost every night and you don't need to sign up, you just turn up. I have attended some really interesting ones and some that I never would have attended otherwise, but it's been good because I've learned about a variety of subjects that I knew nothing about before!

[susana4]

Well, H was very chirpy and positive this morning, making jokes and laughing a lot. He's up and down. Up and down. It's so weird being the calm and steady one while he's up and down. Total role reversal.

Will go to a lecture tonight for my GAL. Told H and he mumbled something about how he would rustle something up for dinner. I offered to make something when I get back (he's only got one dish in his repertoire and I don't really fancy it plus I have ingredients for a curry I was planning to make this week) and he said "oh cool, let's make it together when you get back." H *hates* cooking, I don't get the sudden interest in it recently!

[susana4]

PMA suffering a blow this morning. I think the wine was a bad idea. Since starting ADs I've noticed, in spite of my doctor saying it was ok to have a drink or two, that the next day I always feel quite down.

I got quite anxious earlier this morning thinking about my visa situation. H and I agreed at the beginning of January that once it came through we'd move out of the flat we're renting. We haven't spoken about it since, he hasn't even alluded to the flat (he has asked me twice if I had any news on the visa). I have no idea when the visa will come through, could be any time in the next few days to months, so there's just sort of this thought in the back of my mind constantly. It will mean S, likely no speaking to H again, quitting my job and taking a big financial cut but getting to go after my dream job. A huge amount of change, all at once. And it should be happy news, but instead H has made it into something difficult - and that makes me angry.

I said to my DB coach the other day I was getting a little frustrated I have no idea what's going on in H's head. I think she took it as me wanting to start an R talk, which I definitely don't. I guess I should count myself lucky he doesn't spew, I just feel like I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his head. He never complains, he never tells me how I hurt him, he never talks about a future together or apart. He just doesn't say anything about the future beyond next week. Nothing. DB coach said behaviours are more important than words anyway and I should monitor those, but sometimes I don't really know how or if I'm doing it right.

I don't know what brought on the sadness/anger this morning (ETA: I do know, the d@mned red wine!), but I found myself stewing in anger again this morning. I really need to work out how to move past the anger.

Right, enough borrowing trouble from the future. I need to stop ranting and get on with my day. Going to buy a huge caramel latte, I know it's not good to treat sadness with food but oh well, it works...