Almost walk away wife seems stuck - Help

[pundit7]

I'm reposting here, because I was told that I would likely get more responses here than in the other forum. So here goes:

Guys, I am starting to run out of options, so I am hoping that someone here on this site will have some thoughts to help me out. I a 39 year-old expat American entrepreneur that has been living in Asia for the last 7 years. I met my wife 11 years ago while an exchange student in graduate school (she was also an exchange student, but from a different US university). We were attracted to each other at the time and became friends (with a kiss or two thrown in) but given that we were returning to the US to different schools nothing really progressed. We would meet up on occasion and I was more romantically inclined at first than she was, but eventually we ended up in the same city and started to date. At the time I had a high-pressure, high paying job while she was working more temporary positions, but our relationship started to take shape. I was in my mid-20s so was reluctant to really commit to the relationship, and though I was happy to be in the relationship, still wanted to ‘explore’. She on the other hand kept pushing the relationship to the next milestones, first moving in together and then deciding to move abroad to Asia. She also led the drive to engagement/marriage - I went along, though not exactly enthusiastically. To be clear, my reluctance had nothing to do with her, but just my immaturity and need to keep options ‘open’ (I wasn’t actually a spring chicken when we got married - 33 - so its not that I can chalk up any reluctance to extreme youth - its just the big city temptations keep men unattached longer than they might otherwise be.)

All that said, we had a wonderful relationship and I truly loved her when we got married, as I would never taken that step unless I knew that I wanted to grow old with her. We quickly moved abroad after we got married, to follow a pretty interesting business opportunity for me. I think the first few months abroad were very good as we were settling in and she was looking for a job. However, after those few months, a combination of my ceaseless travel, her inability to find a good job (it was the beginning of the GFC, so not her fault) really started to take a toll on the relationship. I started to resent her inability to really ‘pull her weight’ with regards to household expenses and I began to see being married as a sort of a weight. Instead of exploring the world and working as a team, I started to become more distant and less forthcoming with regards to finances as my resentment rose. She tried to placate me, not trying to stir me up, and go along with my tantrums. I would make excuses to be out of the home and surrounded myself with single male friends that were constantly going out, and I wouldnt invite her. She suffered these slights with a few complaints, mostly asking me to be more affectionate toward her and to be ‘nicer to her’ She would try to make me hug her when I got home, but I would push her away. It breaks my heart to remember these things now! In any case, this persisted - the sex life shrivelled up and she started to push to have a child. I realised that we were both in our mid-30s so a request like that was not inappropriate, but I resented her even more for asking to do that when our financial lives were still precarious.

In any case, i went along with it, and we now have a wonderful, amazing young son that is almost 3 years old. Hoping that would stall the downturn in the marriage, and despite the pressures of having a young child, she quickly turned around and pushed to have a second. This I resisted and made angry protestations.

And then one day, about a year and a half ago, it all stopped. She stopped trying to grab my hand, or beg me to sit in the same room as her. She stopped wanting to have a baby. It just stopped. She didn’t say anything, but she just stopped trying. This got my notice, and unlike the typical WAW scenarios, I actually immediately felt that something was wrong (not that her lack of nagging was somehow a good thing). When I engaged her on it what was going on she said “look, I just don’t think this works. I don’t think that I will change the way I feel. I tried for a very long time, but there was always something wrong. And i finally realised it. there’s no reason for you or I to be in misery. Wouldnt it be easier if we didn’t have the stress of trying to make this work all of the time?” She was fairly composed, though teared up when she recounted this. I of course promptly did the classic, tearful begging her to stay and telling her that her marriage vows were sacred, etc. Promising that I would go to counselling. Pressuring her to go to counselling.

She finally agreed and we started counselling where there was a lot of discussion on improving communications. One thing to note is that my wife is INCREDIBLY conflict averse. She comes from a family where expressing emotions is very much not encouraged. She told me that she has never seen her mother cry, for example. She on the other hand is innately more emotional than her sibiligs and parents. So she got really good a burying. As such, it has always been hard for me to really know how upset she is about a particular thing. She suppresses a lot. She will readily admit that her entire life she has taken a suboptimal outcome to avoid conflict or to avoid making another person unhappy. In any case, one day after 4 months of light counselling (once every other week) she announced to me “this is not working. Our therapist is planning on talking about our sex life next week, which I have no desire to do.” Notably, during the time she agreed to counselling, she was overtly going through the motions of reconnecting (pet names, “i love you” in response to my stating it, hugs (though no sex). After this announcement she became hostile. While we slept in the same bed, no physical contact, in fact she almost looks rigid in situations where we might ordinary embrace so that she can avoid doing so. Counselling stopped, and I started individual therapy. It really helped me realise that I had a overwhelming tendency to “flood” her when i don’t get what i want. I dropped all relationship talk. Stopped really lingering around - hard to do when you still sleep in the same bed! IN any case, just try to give her distance and agree with her on everything she would bring up.

Things improved a bit - over 4 months she became less angry, so I thought that progress was being made. Then one day she asked me what we were going to do about our housing since our rental was coming up. I looked at her sort of surprised, and then she suggested that we move into adjacent apartments. I was floored. She repeated that though I was being nicer, she still didn’t think that things were working. By being in adjacent apartments we would at least be able to co-parent our son. I was devastated since I thought we were on the road to reconciling, but here she was suggesting moving into separate apartments!

In any case, I pushed back on that point fairly strongly (saying that leases shouldn’t dictate life and death decisions like our relationship and our son’s future) and down to the wire, she very angrily renewed our lease at the last minute. Looking back on it, I am sure that only added to her mountain of resentment, but she hated the level of discord so much that she caved in. It is worth noting that she has started to use last minute decisions to avoid having to discuss contentious things (she has now gone with our son twice to see her parents and Ive been left to make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t come because in actuality she wanted to be alone, and my presence would “only stress her out").

I have been using DB coaching which has been amazing, but I think we are both stumped as to why my wife has not really changed her tune with regards to the thought “that this doesn’t really work” and seeking a way out of it. Its almost like she is so conflict averse, but at the same time so scared of being vulnerable to me that she stays stuck. I’ve be DBing the right things - my entire style of communication with her has been much better over the last 9 months. So i am at a loss of what is going on and what I can do to help move my relationship in the right direction. I do deeply love my wife and it hurts me a ton to see her angry and in pain. But I simply can accept divorce and even a separation scares the daylight out of me. This lease issue will recur - she said the last time that we could just try it for a few months and then if was not helping could move back in together, but I think she was just saying that to put me more at ease. It is clear that this is not just a bid for attention given that this has been going on for almost a year and a half, and that she hasn’t changed her tune on the fact she doesn’t see how this will work. On the other hand, she hasn’t taken the ring off, deleted Facebook posts and pictures or generally done anything to indicate covert action to separate. That could be just because of her extreme dislike in causing pain to me and my son. Please, help me understand what I can do to make things better?

[UpperCu]

Hi pundit, sorry that you find yourself here. The fact that you have taken the time to seek out this website and submit your first post is a great sign for hope in your marriage.

However, it sounds like you are reluctant to make any changes in yourself. Your attitude comes across that you just want this to go away without having to address critical issues - especially physical intimacy.

Have you read the DR/DB books yet? If not, get a copy and read! They will provide much insight into what steps you need to take next and how to identify and rebuild what is broken in your marriage. And the big secret is... You don't need your wife's participation to start working on the marriage. It actually works best if you begin the hard work on your own.

Your wife clearly feels trapped, so you need to learn to set her free. She is not your child, she is your WIFE and an adult. As much resentment as you have for her "not" contributing financially, she probably feels the same resentment towards you for holding that over her heard all these years.

Now is the time to take the pressure off of your wife. Don't force her to go to counseling; if she doesn't want to go, it can actually be MORE HARMFUL if she goes.

Focus on yourself right now, take a deep breath, and tell yourself you will be okay. Separation and divorce were big scary words, but now they are in your mind and in your vocabulary. They really are not the end of you, and there is life on the other side if the worst case scenario were to happen.

The fastest way to get to separation or divorce is to continue as you have been going along, so STOP right now and make a 180.

I'm cheering (and praying) for you pundit!

[pundit7]

Thanks for the comments. The truth is that I have made definite changes in the way that I interact and think, if for no other reason than I want to be a better father for my young son. My issue turns on what '180s' I can make - if I detach from my wife, which I have tried, it doesn't seem to have really helped her to engage the relationship. And clearly talking about it doesn't work.

I understand that the changes have to be self-directed, and they are. I just want to get a better sense on the time it takes to see progress. I know it varies dramatically by person, but it would make it easier for me to deal with the days when I feel especially down about my life to know how some of you all did it.