It's been almost a year since I posted on here. I've changed my name on here twice to try to maintain my privacy through a separation and divorce, but I've read some updates here and there. I've also stayed in touch with many vets on here.
My ex is also on here so I've debated about posting for several weeks. However, the stuff I learned while DB'ing my M...and the stuff I've learned since my D, are all so important that I want to give back to the forum that saved me. And I'm NOT exaggerating. The people who helped me on here really did save me.
First, I was married for 15+ years, but was in a difficult and dysfunctional M. For a long time, I fought actually changing myself much, it was easier to stick my head in the sand and hope for better....OR to blame my spouse....until I found DB. I found DB after I discovered my spouse having an EA. And the concepts I learned here helped me to finally learn some really life-changing things. So, I worked on myself for over a year. I slowly, very slowly, with the vets help, learned how to GAL, to do 180's, to focus on myself and my children, etc. so that I could hopefully save my M, too.
And then, after a year, I found that my spouse hadn't ended the EA like was promised, but instead had told the EA that we were already divorced and took the affair to new levels of lies and deceit. I found out about other previous affairs, etc. I was devastated.
Luckily for me, I'd already found these books and the boards...and I'd already been trying to work on myself. So, I continued that.
And, while I was busy discovering myself and working on my issues, I discovered that really, my M was an abusive disaster. Constantly being called horrible names in front of my kids, lies, affairs, hiding money from me, hitting/pushing/shoving, using me for sex (because I allowed it)....these were all things that were going on that shouldn't have been.....and I eventually couldn't take it anymore.
So, I moved out of the MBR, and after a few months, filed for a D. And I continued working on myself so that I could become a better, healthier person for myself and my kids.
Today, I am D'd...which I never planned on or wanted...but I am a happier, healthier, better person than ever before. I am still working on myself, but the peace that I have is unlike any peace I had before. My M wasn't saved...and I was a LBS who became a WAS...but the concepts I learned here are helping me to have healthier, better relationships in my life with my kids, etc.
When/if I get married again, I WILL be a better spouse and will have a healthier marriage because of all that I learned here.
Some important things:
You cannot change the other person. You can't. Period. So, you focus on the things that you can change...yourself, mostly.
You can't "love someone enough" to make them come back...and you can't "nice" them back. All you can do is be a loving, kind person, truly and deeply for yourself. If your spouse sees that and comes back, that is AWESOME....but if not, still be that better person for yourself.
If your R is abusive in any way (verbal, physical, emotional) it is going to take a lot more than just DBing to save the M, if it should be saved at all. Seek counseling.
You are going to be okay. You really, truly are. Your marriage doesn't define you. If your marriage is saved and you reconcile, that is beyond awesome!! I wish you the best if you are reading this. But, if your WAS keeps walking, you will survive...and eventually, thrive IF you do the work on yourself.
That means owning your own stuff, no blaming the other person, no pointing fingers, no trying to control the other person, etc. It means doing the very hard work....which is looking WITHIN and fixing what you need to fix within yourself.
This is a journey I never wanted for myself, but I have been beyond blessed in how far my life has come since I first found these boards, a few years ago.
You are going to be okay. You are going to smile again and be happy again....but it's not free. You have to let go of the other person, stop blaming them, and do the work on YOURSELF.
You do this, and you won't regret it. <3 You, too, will rise from the ashes, better than ever before....
Wow, I really, REALLY needed to read this at THIS very moment! Thank you taking the time to come back and post this.
Please stick around and provide insight and guidance. Your wisdom of your experience is invaluable and precious.
I'm walking towards that peace you referred to but I'm finding it takes turning off my over-active head in order to do that with any grace or dignity. This is not an easy journey for anyone and the reality that one could do "all the right things" and still end up left behind is devastating.
Feenix, these are the things I needed to hear right now. Thank you!
The one thing I have to keep reminding myself is that I will be a far better person coming out of this sitch than I was going in, regardless of the outcome
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I'll catch up on your sitch when I can. I was originally in the MLC forums when I was here before, so I'm not super familiar with Newcomers.
That peace comes a little at a time. Keep moving forward and being patient. One day, you'll wake up and realize that you finally have peace, and you'll be amazed.
I, too, am an over-thinker...it takes a lot of work to shut off all those thoughts, but you'll get better and better at it.
And, yes, it is devastating to realize that you can do all of the "right" things and still get left behind....but the amazing thing, is when you realize that you will be okay anyway.
Life will go on. You will be happy and at peace again. If your M works out, it will be even better than before, a new M. If you don't reconcile, you will find love again....and it will be even better and sweeter because you'll have the tools...and because you've done the work on yourself.
You are going to be okay. You really, truly are. Your marriage doesn't define you. If your marriage is saved and you reconcile, that is beyond awesome!! I wish you the best if you are reading this. But, if your WAS keeps walking, you will survive...and eventually, thrive IF you do the work on yourself.
That means owning your own stuff, no blaming the other person, no pointing fingers, no trying to control the other person, etc. It means doing the very hard work....which is looking WITHIN and fixing what you need to fix within yourself.
This is a journey I never wanted for myself, but I have been beyond blessed in how far my life has come since I first found these boards, a few years ago.
You are going to be okay. You are going to smile again and be happy again....but it's not free. You have to let go of the other person, stop blaming them, and do the work on YOURSELF.
You do this, and you won't regret it. <3 You, too, will rise from the ashes, better than ever before....
Dear Mods....can we consider adding a "like button"....I just love this quote!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
