This is my 1st time posting and I really need help. My question is at the bottom. Its like a soap story so sorry for the long post...
Before my H and I got together, I told him I wanted kids and this was a dealbreaker to me for starting a relationship but he said he wanted a kid too and 2 was ok just not 3 (his ex had 3 kids from a previous relationship). A year and a half after the birth of our daughter (whom he dearly loves) he started to backtrack on no 2. He's got some serious ocd's and might have a mild form of autism and/or adhd, so he cant handle chaos or busy-ness well. I get that. But a 2nd was part of the deal. My ovaries were literally all over the place. I pressured him and tried to convince him for a year. One night we did it w/o protection and I got pregnant. He warmed up to the idea until we found out it was twins. He said he couldnt survive that and neither would our marriage. But he would actually like another baby so if I aborted we could try again AND work on our marriage (he felt unheard and distrespected because of my pressuring and tho we had regular s** he wanted more experimental stuff than i was comfortable with. He said I was tired a lot and too busy w our daughter and not enough w him so we were having problems). I did the abortion to save our marriage and family but regretted it immediately (religious) got depressed after and was very sad and negative and blamed him partially. He was already gone 3 nights a week before the abortion but after he went on a party spree (dance lessons) 4-6 nights a week. About 4 weeks after the abortion he started an affair. I didnt find out till 3 mo later. During it he backtracked on trying again. Later I understood why. I confronted him in a controlled manner about the affair (unprotected s** too) and tho he was very unapologetic he agreed to end it and work on us. But before working on us first he needed space. So he kept dancing, 5-6 nights a week to calm down. OCD's....
After the abortion my body didnt recover. During all this I was being investigated for infertility and it was said I could surely not get pregnant soon (maybe never). A month after discovering the affair I discovered I was 4w pregnant again.
H went totally off it. I said I cant abort again. I would become more depressed, didnt believe it would save the marriage anymore and most of all I felt it was morally wrong. He feels distespected by a decidion he does nog support, had no say in and a bsby he doednt want. For the rest of his life.
Ever since we ve spiralled down. We havent had s** since beginning Nov. He finally agreed to councelling but 3d before (a week ago) he dropped the D bomb.
He says he cant do it anymore, he's been miserable for a year now and he doesnt want to split up our family and loves me but not like before. And he s too hurt and angry that Im taking part of his life away by refusing to abort the baby and he's not attracted to me anymore and thinks it ll never work cause Im sexually not adventurous enough and he isnow finally getting female attention he missed when he was younger and he wants to enjoy that with women more adventurous without hurting me. And he likes to do activities w me but doesnt want the responsability so best we D before he cheats again.
He wants me to stay with him in his house until after the baby is born so he can help out. But my friend says he s doing it for HIM so he can feel less bad (making your 5mo pregnant wife leave weighs on him and looks bad) and that with D come consequences like missing out on having access to your kids full time and he should feel that.
Now after a horrible weekend he's calmed down a bir. Says he foednt want us to split but he csnt do thus any more. Aagreed to come to counceling but to fill in how we can move forward, most likely in divorce.
Im so conflicted. It would physically and financially be easier for me to stay. And Im hoping that he ll change his mind on us if he sees me independent and happy and active DB'ing. Im trying to do a 180. But I dont want him to 'ease' in to separation while not feeling consequences. While maybe starting with another woman. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? STAY OR GO?? Any other advice??
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Therapy yesterday and he said he might be willing to try to stay but he really cant stop himself from cheating much longer as he has needs plus he really wants to 'make up for all the attention he never got when he was younger' so the only way to do it is if I accept that he will see other women for an (as of yet undetermined) period of time. I know its easier to DB when we re in the same house but im 5mo pregnant and doing practically everything myself and he's gone 4-5 nights a week and moody when he is home, I just dont know if I can do this.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
I dont think Im there yet. I mean Hillary Clinton and Bill wouldnt be together if she d done that after everything he did. I have a friend who went through something similar besides the cheating and they are now doing really well. And where am I gonna go with my daughter at 5mo pregnant? I cant just get up and leave (though do consider it at times). Is there anyone else out there who has been through this and made it? How did you manage?
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Hello Mom22 - I'm very sorry your are in this very difficult position. I hope you'll find here the advice and support to get you through this. I'm not a veteran like Cadet and Starsky, so all I can provide is support.
I'm not surprised that Cadet and Starsky309 already told you that your H doesn't seem to be a fitting husband and father at this stage.
In any case, he needs to realize that babies are made by two people, so he can't blame the pregnancy on you. It's not a conceive-and-abort business. Also, as a father of two, I'm telling you that you're not "taking part of his life away" by having another baby, you're adding to his life. Sure, less time for his buddies and dance lessons (and whatnot), but is that the kind of guy you want by your side?
You seem to need a stronger R than what he currently offers. Either he needs to shape up or he needs to go.
The wonderful thing about DB is that it's very often the same thing you need to do whether you want to save your M or go on your own. It's about standing tall and strong, doing what's right for you and your kids. WAS are attracted to such strong and independent people and they start doubting it was a good idea to dump us altogether. If they leave anyway, then you're ready and save yourself. The alternative is... there is no alternative.
You say you don't know where you would go. That's normal at this stage. But have you thought about it? Have you made a plan? If not, I encourage you to take a few days to really think about it. Imagine that he IS throwing you out. Surely, you wouldn't end up frozen under a bridge? Then what would you do? Take the time to really detail what you would do. Write it down. Add to it over time.
I suggest this because it seems to me that your first step to have a clearer mind is to reduce your perceived vulnerability to your H. Then you'll have options. I wonder if he realizes that you are vulnerable (can't leave) and takes advantage of it?
I hope you've already bought Divorce Remedy. It's mandatory reading because it's the source of the advice around here and it will help you make sense of what you read on these boards.
Good luck.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi Mom22 and welcome. We are all here to support you
It would be worth you having a call with a coach as your situation is pretty complex. and I would not normally direct someone to yet another coach or therapist of IC. I am not a coach myself, but have talked to two different coaches over the years--just so you know.
You can even ask for Virginia or email Virginia with the short version of your story and she will match you with the right person.
This is not to push you off, but to direct you to professionals. You are pregnant and you have a child. And you have YOU.
