Ok. Wow. Wife just told me that she wanted to work on marriage, and I asked her for a NC text to OM if she wanted to make things right. She started balling and telling me she needs to do it "her way" and she was going to tell him in person. Did I just take a step backwards ?
Ok. Wow. Wife just told me that she wanted to work on marriage, and I asked her for a NC text to OM if she wanted to make things right. She started balling and telling me she needs to do it "her way" and she was going to tell him in person. Did I just take a step backwards ?
No, absolutely not. Allowing a wayward spouse to meet with their affair partner in person, for "closure," is INSANITY.
Hold firm. If she's sincere, she'll abide by your terms, which after all are pretty much STANDARD PROCEDURE in ANY reliable infidelity recovery plan.
Thanks for the reply. Back on the rollercoaster. Guess I gotta continue PMA, knew might sound too good to be true. So want this to be over already. Marathon continues. She might have been setting up for more cake. Keep ya posted.
Or maybe she's simply waffling, or trying as best she can in her still-addicted-to-him emotional state. What things have you done to LEAD her into a strong NC, full-transparency, post-affair recovery plan? Does she even know what one looks like?
There's a distinction between "willing" and "able" sometimes. Just trying to figure out where your particular wayward wife is at.
One of her issues with me she used to tell me I'm controlling. She hasn't said that in over two years though. After her last A. She was remorseful and provided full transparency( really thought I had changed my ways after that.). This time she's not. She's continued A 2 months after I found out. Now she says things like doesn't want to be treated like a child and such. She wants to work things out. My IC says I should just listen and not make demands. Get her back first, work slow.
Insisting on no-contact isn't a "demand," it's a boundary (or it isn't, depending on whether or not you're willing to live in an open marriage).
Insisting upon full transparency is but tangible evidence that the boundary isn't being violated.
Your IC has it precisely BACKWARDS. You'll never GET your wife "back" if she continues to have contact with her OM. The NC comes first (enforced by transparency), while the two of you slowly piece your marriage back together.
First mistake I made. Before reading DB, I asked my W to go see my IC. She willingly did. Then we went one time together to basically figure out what path we were on. No relationship talk . it was Agreed upon that i would give her space to sort herself out and that we would return to counseling with possibly more clarity.
A few days before our return session, feeling anxious, I approached my W and told her that I was going to stand by our marriage and I was going to fight for it and the family no matter what. A few days later she tells me she wants to make M work. This was a positive response But my mind is still on A.
We talked that night and the first thing she started to talk about was how unhappy and miserable she was at work. And she wanted to get another job. my wife is the breadwinner and my reaction was supportive but I did tell her we would have to change our lifestyle and adjust our habits. she didn't bring up A. So I did, and she said she was going to end it her way. That's when I told her I wanted NC. And she lost it started to cry and I walked out.
So at that next session she said it upset her how I just couldn't listen and be supportive without throwing in negativity. Counselor said I was thinking rationally but just bad timing. Which I guess is an issue with W. Then she talked about the NC and how I try to control her.
This was a BIG mistake bringing her to C without her being committed to M. And over AP. She says she hasn't seen him in a few weeks now. I don't know if it's the truth or not.
She went from telling me she wants to work on it one day to not sure again the next. And I still would like to see NC for her to show me I can start to trust her. But she's still not ready to have me be the one who orchestrates how things go down. Bottom line, she is not ready to work on M.
No I'm not willing to live in an open marriage. BUT I HAVE BEEN for the past Three months. Even though I've been DB. I know I have my limit and it's coming up soon I feel. Could it be better to act "as if " she will keep her end of the deal and monitor results from there? my DB coach also suggested to not go NC right now but to concentrate on what is was "within" what I said to her to have made her want to work on marriage. But I don't think I'm gonna be able to find that out right now.
Thanks for asking, I listened to my DB coach and staying away from NC message for now. W says she's following through with ending A and insisting on NC . We have a MC session on Sat. I'm going to cancel if it's not done by then.
Just read one of your posts . Funny, my wife says the same thing it's not about OM it's about her. Sounds like script to me. But I do know she's suffering badly about lots of things. But the end result is still the end result. She chose to cheat. Instead of expressing her unhappiness. She's been acting a bit nicer lately, but hasn't shown any remorse or humility as of yet and I know that's what I'm going to need to heal and Reconcile and forgive. Just not sure how much time I'm going to give her to get to rock bottom. But I don't think I will be able to stay married to her unless I do see those important actions to build my trust back in her.
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
