Oh feenix, thank you so much for stopping by and spreading your wisdom!!
UR is a remarkable gem that has performed CPR on me (proverbially of course) many, many times. The help on this board from the vets, fellow LBS, other moms/dads has just been invaluable. Truly. I don't know where I'd be without uR and about 20-30 other amazing people but I know I certainly wouldn't be in this place, that's for sure!!
I am slowly moving toward personal happiness, one tick of the clock at a time. And you're right, no one can take it from me, I just feel like it's hard to hold on to sometimes, almost like it's slippery and requires my utmost focus to keep it in grip. If I look away for a second, it slips away a little bit. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I'm working on making every and any scenario with regards to my situation ok because I do genuinely know that I will be ok. It's not the life I imagined, that's for sure, but staying in the marriage I had before is also not the life I wanted, either.
Something's gotta give. I'm determined to be stronger, more lively and the ME I've always wanted to be through all this and everyday I have that opportunity. I'm grateful for that. Truly grateful.
Tomorrow is another day... And it's looking bright.
I'm determined to be stronger, more lively and the ME I've always wanted to be through all this and everyday I have that opportunity. I'm grateful for that. Truly grateful.
Tomorrow is another day... And it's looking bright.
It's Sunday. D7 is at H's this weekend and since tomorrow is MLK day, that means through tomorrow.
I have quite literally done nothing. Well, I went out to dinner with friends on Friday to celebrate a birthday but since then, nothing. I have read a lot and napped. I went to yoga yesterday morning...
ok, maybe not NOTHING...
... but nothing substantial or really productive and I'm feeling guilty.
Plus, I'm very alone, very lonely.
This morning H, D7 and I met for breakfast. H invited me. I never know if he's being kind so I can see D midway through his long weekend with her or if he's reaching out to me because he genuinely wants to see me. I'm guessing it's the former rather than the later because it just doesn't seem like he has much to say.
It's hard to watch him with D7 sometimes because he is ALL OVER HER about eating and I have to consciously bite my tongue. I'm of the "pick your battles" philosophy and D7 is a huge negotiator which creates a slippery slope but he just hounds her for the entire meal making it unpleasant for all of us. He doesn't realize this though and I sure as hell won't be bringing it up.
All of this silence brings about lots of daydreaming which I don't think is all that healthy. I have to remind myself, "hey, remember he's not all that introspective so it's not like he's going to suddenly realize you're not the root of all evil in his life and he's not going to suddenly be Mr. Accountable and Mr. Responsible and own up to his own feelings and his role in anything whatsoever so stop day dreaming little missy."
Then I try to lead my thoughts back to me and where I want to go and what I want to do and then I realize I'm kind of tired of thinking about all that.
Nope, this is exactly where I was a few months ago. Minus the eating together thing. We've only had two meals together the five of us 2-3 times since the beginning of September. I don't know what to tell you about the micro-managing of the child. I can tell you I did that a LOT before STBX moved out and it has diminished very greatly since he's been gone. I'm seeing now that it was kind of a stress reflection -- I was trying to control the kids because so much in my life felt uncontrollable. If it helps you to think that might be unconsciously at play with your H, maybe you can relax and not hang on to that resentment when you do spend time together.
Why did you accept his invitation?
There was a time when I took a weekend to do NOTHING on my free weekend and it was tremendously helpful for my healing. I felt guilty about not GALing... and so I questioned why. But I needed to not GAL that weekend, because I needed to be still in my own space and be comfortable being alone. It's important to notice the guilt and question what it's for. What is it telling you? Usually that's an area of dysfunction, right? So sit with it and see what you come up with.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I will start taking notice, maybell, on WAH's micro-managing and try to see it as him trying.
He comes from a family with SEVERE food issues and he always said he didn't want food to be a battle and an issue... yet he makes it one every single time I see the two of them together. It turns into a power struggle between D7 and WAH. Luckily the view was beautiful and I had lots to focus on besides them.
Why did I accept the invitation?
I wanted to hang out with D.
Should I not accept these invitations? He has said that when I have D7 on my weekends, he really, really misses her so I try to invite him on a small thing during that weekend (ice cream or starbucks) so he can chat with her for a minute.
Should I put the kybosh on that and cease accepting these invitations? They are confusing sometimes for me but the time with D is lovely... though, I'll admit, unnecessary.
WAH and I don't really talk. We exchange pleasantries and perhaps a funny quip here or there or a discussion about something at D7's school. Nothing deep or personal, you know?
Hmmm... something to think about for sure, but I really value your insight and perspective, Maybell. What do you think?
As far as the being alone thing goes... I feel guilty for just sitting around the house and barely doing anything. I got take out last night, watched two episodes of Downton Abby and went to bed after reading half a novel.
I need to plan better my GAL and have a friend come over for take out and Downton Abby two Sundays from now. At least I don't feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing if I'm entertaining someone else.
I don't know what to suggest. I am in a place right now where I feel so good about myself that I'm afraid I'm going to tell everyone to make my choices. That's not fair to do and so I'm trying to just observe.
I observe in your case that you spend a LOT of time with your H and that it never makes you feel better about him or about your M.
Also that it doesn't necessarily make you feel better about his relationship with your D.
Also that I think it maybe impacts your relationship with your D because... guessing slightly... you sometimes want to make up for his inadequacies with her?
That last one is maybe mind-reading because it's something I am trying to keep from doing myself. So take that one with a grain of salt.
For myself, I felt better... cleaner... when I didn't go through the "happy family" rigamarole. But I have very little time away from my kids so it's easier for me to say no to STBX because I'm not sacrificing very much of my kids. So again, grain of salt.
I also observe, at my house, that my kids have SPECIFICALLY said that I'm interesting and fun NOW. Given the way STBX and I tiptoe around each other when we're together, I think the contrast is clear to them and therefore I don't want to spend time with him, where I am shrunk and clearly unhappy, and have that show to my kids. So FOR ME, not spending time with him as a "family" is healthier for my kids than putting on that particular show.
That said, S7 still calls us a family of five, and I'm not sure how the D announcement is going to land on the kids, so it's not like this is all rainbows and butterflies, either.
I think it's WONDERFUL you spent a whole evening watching Downton Abbey and reading half a novel. That's WAY better than being paralyzed by your sitch. And you probably felt refreshed in the morning, too. Why beat yourself up for that?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wait wait.....there was a whole evening watching Downton and reading half a novel? Tell me more, don't leave anything out. Was there a glass of wine? Was it quiet? Was there a cozy blanket? I'm just enjoying a vicarious moment of bliss
Ss - I've noticed that there are quite a number of us on here who are self identified introverts. If you are one, you absolutely need quiet alone time to recharge. Don't feel remotely guilty about it. You need it.
As to the weekend meetups with your H - why not try a weekend or two where you don't accept? I doubt the invitations would suddenly dry up if you decline a few. See how you feel about it and see if it affects D7 at all.
Maybell, I LOVE that you're in a place right now that you want to spread around your joy. It's possible, maybe even likely, I'll find my joy in a similar way. Just the fact that I said that out loud and know it might be true and I didn't start to cry says a lot about where I am on my journey through this. Thank you.
You and Raliced may be right. Right after New Years I didn't accept WAHs invitations to do anything. It was hard but I think it might be better to refrain from the "friend-zone hang out". It does feel less messy and I think it's a healthier message for D7.
Do what is right for you. I have very good reasons for making my choices. Do not feel like you'll get the same results from the same ones. But don't be afraid to explore the ones that are inconceivable to you, either. At least stretching yourself like that might give you a little more objective perspective.
Last edited by Maybell; 01/19/1503:48 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
SS, just to give you the other side of the story, I generally accept invitations when they involve the kids. Breakfast after church? Yes if a kiddo is going. Otherwise probably not. I don't miss an opportunity to hang with my kids. But that totally might not be right for you. You get to decide that. And please don't feel badly about it either way.
BTW, my kids are older, aren't such clingons like little kids. Makes a big difference in how much time mommy needs away from them!
