H is running again

[happy1]

I was versed in DB but have not needed it in many years.

Here is some info:
A few months back:
After months of him not saying much, and us having no sex (and me asking for it all the time) and me asking him for months what the problem is:
He says: "I have nothing, I only can control when I have to go to the bathroom and when we have sex."

So I did a 180 and started involving him more in decisions, etc. And it got better, according to him. We even had great sex. That was in October.


However, we have hit a real, real low today.
The summary is my husband and I had a small argument this morning that we agreed to talk more about tonight. Once we started talking, it turned into a BLOW OUT. The argument was all over the place and it raised to the point I hit him (I have never done that), called him names and then curled up in a ball and cried. Once I gathered myself, I sat down to talk to him and told him that I was very upset and that this was not the way I wanted this talk to go...that I had intended to start the conversation with I love you and I want to work at what ever the issue(s) are.

He goes on to tell me that he never wanted to be married, have a child, that he caved on everything, everything he has given, done for me he has not wanted: all was to make me happy. And to top it off that I do not care about him, think about him or even know how I make him feel or how I speak to him .

He went on to say "I have nothing am an idiot and a waste."

Then he said he was leaving and I told him he could not leave after dumping this on me. He just went off saying "f**c you, I can go where ever I want."

I just told him I love him and want to be married.

Then he left the house, crying.

This is such a bad time for us to be going thru this: I do not have a job right now and we have a 1 year old who is not sleeping, and a house under major repair: so the stress is high. It has been a rough couple of years as we also lost a child.

But honestly, I am not sure I want to stay married to him as this is a repeat cycle...but I do love him.

I am LOST and need some help from you all out there. HELP

-sleep deprived, sex deprived and spinning out of control

[HPoirot]

Oh God Happy I'm so sorry. This that is happening to you is terrible.

As you say... you know it's the stress and you and especially your H are crumbling under it. Fortunately, you know what to do. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the strong one for now, right?

Is there someone there, family and/or friends, who can come by your home and stay with you and help you get yourself pulled together?

[Maybell]

So I went back and read your brief thread from 2007 (episode about the cars). You halfway wanted to walk away then, but you stopped posting. What happened?

Did you two ever get counseling?

Why didn't your changes stick? Why does he think you're controlling?

Does your H have a diagnosis (or is that ruled out)? Medication?

I'm so sorry you lost a child. I always thought if that happened in my family there was no way my marriage would ever survive it. Yours sounds like it's always been a tremendous struggle.

WRT to the sleepless baby, do you practice the feed-wake-sleep cycle and sleep training?
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending hugs.

[happy1]

Thanks for the support so far:



Yes, a few times he wanted to WA and I have ½ wanted to WA a couple of times, but I do love him and he does love me. And honestly, I do not want to get a divorce and start over, we have a child and lost a child (plus 2 miscarriages) I do not quit as I think I can save this and give up financially what I have built as I have brought all the $$ to the marriage. I know, I know, I know how this sounds.

We did see a DB counselor for many session and did get on the right track. The advice was for us to be more loving to each other, affirm each other. DH to have more sex with me.

He does suffer from depression but if VERY good at hiding it, and basically every emotion. Just last night we were saying how we love each other. He is all over the place.

Has anyone heard of the other rules of DB: if you have a partner/spouse that is sensitive or needy you DO pursue. That is the position I am in--I have to pursue even though I am also (equally) hurt. Otherwise it all falls apart.

And, NO I cannot enlist anyone to help, this will drive H further away. So I am on my own, again to repair this OR I can opt out as it has been very rocky from the start and now I know my H really, really never want to be married.

[Maybell]

Why do you know he never wanted to be married? That is not clear from here.

But he does have some serious issues and frankly they sound very strongly like they're beyond your ability to cope with alone at this point. Professional help is definitely called for. It was very clearly called for after the car issue. What happened with that?

Your words concern me too. You don't sound like you respect him. It doesn't sound like your needs are being met. What are you holding on to? What do you hope to have with him when you're 80?

[Cadet]

Has anyone heard of the other rules of DB: if you have a partner/spouse that is sensitive or needy you DO pursue. That is the position I am in--I have to pursue even though I am also (equally) hurt. Otherwise it all falls apart.

Pursuit and distance is from a book that is not about DB

We discussed it here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

I would say that DB says to do what works and 180 what doesnt.

But it also sounds like you are in a huge cycle that keeps repeating itself and will continue to do that until it is broken.
Each time getting harder and harder.

Maybe you should break the cycle.

[happy1]

Thanks for the redirect to the P/D dance....I just read the thread and am excited to find people that can understand the cycle and you are right, Cadet, I am ready to break the cycle.

In fact, I had told myself back in 20whatever it was (I think 2010: If H leaves/runs again I am not going to be able to stand for it.

So here we are: New Year's Eve and I am going to try to break this cycle and see what happens. I am just not happy that we are back to 'this' again and have to figure out a whole new way to approach this situation.

[job]

I have responded to your posting on my thread over in MLC.

[happy1]

This post collects thought and responses from a few threads. Mostly so I can have everything in one place to read...thanks for bearing with this clean up post.

My post summary:
I would like to break the cycle as it seems H = D & Me = P. It has been years since I have had to P to save him from walking but I do not want to have to go thru this again. Right now: I am looking for a new job/out of work, have a 1 year old that rises at 4:30-5:00am, a house under construction, and had a terrible 2 years of miscarriages, family illness and lost a baby.

I might be too tired to P someone who:
-says he should have never married (to me)
-says he should have never had children (with me)
-does not want to have more children
-thinks I am not naturally nice to him
-says I talk meanly to him
-has depressions
-is overly sensitive and is described by others as a difficult person
-b/c I am not nice, and does not want me to get pregnant, and is worried about his performance has withheld sex from me...we have had sex 3 times since August. I have had to beg for it.

But if I do not P, will the relationship fall apart?

Questions > Answers to my post

From Job: You do realize that he's going to point the finger at you for everything? Notice he's certainly not pointing it at himself.

A head turner question for me. As in: wow, yes, now I notice.
And he is very passive-aggressive, not a manipulator

From KML: Why did YOU choose someone that was so ambivalent about the relationship? What part of YOU thinks you don't deserve someone who worships you and wants to be with you?

I have to think about this more. H says he does everything to make me happy and I guess I took this as worship, wants to be with me. But he is fed up with having to make me happy and making everything about me, and he has nothing, gets to make no decision except when to go the bathroom and when we have sex. So it is back to me being the issue (according to him). I am conflicted on his feelings that all he does is for/about me and his unhappiness.

From Job: Work on the things that he's pointed out, if they are true

Things that are true:
-I do tend to turn conversations into arguments
-Have to think of other things that are true

All:Let go of the rope with H and just trust that if he is MEANT to come back into your life, if he is WORTHY, he will eventually start to pursue you.

-So I dropped the rope and whoaaa this does not feel good.


Details: H came home tonight, much to my surprise. I did not think he would come home. He came home and we did not exchange words, let alone eye contact.

He concentrated on DD, which is our usual night routine. While we did a few things with DD together, which is normal, we did not speak or look at each other, or at least I did not look at him. I forgot the DB rule to make eye contact, but right now am so hurt, I cannot make eye contact with out getting more angry or cry. We both seem to be very careful not to bring negativity to DD which is important to us both (his brother is in a nasty divorce and we see how the kids are suffering)

I did remember to get away, which I told him I was going out and would be back later. I went to the gym and stayed longer than usual.

When I got home he had some clothes packed at the door. I did not flinch when he rushed to get his coat on and get out the door. We did the pass by in the kitchen and as he left, he asked "Do you want me here in the morning?" I said "ummm sure." And he asked for a time. He did not seem angry.
I am proud of myself for not asking where he is staying let alone start begging, etc: which is what I would normally do.

He probably is relieved to be away from me.


Note: I hate this.
Note: Good quotes I heard today

"Today is the start to a new book and you have 365 pages to fill: What will you write? Make it a good story"

"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter"

[SunnyB]

Happy, thanks for stopping by my thread. Sorry you are back here. Wishing us all a better 2015!