Hello everyone. I'm not really sure where to start. This could end up being a really long story and I don't want to get carried away. I guess I'll just lay it out there.
HOW I FOUND OUT: The last couple of weeks my wife had been distant. Despite my efforts to invite her to speak with me, she remained quiet and distant. Early this week she finally said that she no longer felt it fair to keep me in the dark and said that she wasn't sure we should stay together. She said she didn't feel that she loved me the way a wife should love a husband. She said that our sex life wasn't at all what she wanted it to be and she had been unhappy with it for as long as she can remember. We have been together for 5 years and married for just over 1 year. I found out the next day that she had been unfaithful. I'm not sure if it's really better or not that she didn't actually have sex with another man, but she developed feelings for him and lied to me about where she was going and met up with him to hang out one night. They did kiss. It was just that one night and she ended it when she realized who she had become and what it would do to me. She scheduled herself for counseling and so have I.
HER PRIMARY COMPLAINT: It seems to basically boil down to sexual attraction/chemistry. She says that it doesn't exist for us and never did. All this in the wake of these feelings she has for this guy by the way. She said that she has been with people before who made her toes curl and I was just never one of them. She said she even had a voice in her head that said "don't date this guy" when we started dating, but I checked off everything else on the list of things that are important so she figured we'd grow into it or that all the other stuff balanced it out and moved forward. Now she says the big red flag for her was when she recently realized she didn't want to have kids with me because she didn't want to be trapped in a life devoid of sexual heat. I would agree with some of her positions about our sex life but certainly not all. She said we never had any steamy encounters or when we did she didn't like it or that it was just sex and that you can have sex with anyone when you're turned on, she was never really hot for ME. I have a hard time believe this given some of the things she said in the past during some of our encounters and also given how hot she said herself some of them were. She said I haven't really looked like a man to her because she usually initiates and I'm not aggressive enough either with getting it started or during the act itself. I can agree with some of this too and expressed to her that it's not because I don't WANT to be but rather because I always got the sense I wasn't SUPPOSED to be with her. Even then, though, there are times when I actually WAS particularly aggressive, if you will. I even recall her complimenting me on it afterward now that I think about it...So right now she says there was no "hot time" that we can even get back to. I say her memory is clouded by her feelings for this guy and she's only remembering every doubt she ever had. Now I will say though that she clearly has legitimate dissatisfaction with our sex life, as do I. She hasn't had an orgasm in probably two years, ever since she had an operation for a cyst she had on her ovary. She has said that she hasn't been able to get into the right position because it hurts due to some scar tissue from the procedure. Over these years I've encouraged her/us to keep trying, perhaps let me perform oral sex (which she has never agreed to but once I think), read up on some books, etc. She has engaged in no exercises at all to improve this, none that I can recall, not even masturbation. Despite the fact that I have bought toys and books, it was as though she resigned herself to having to satisfy me enough to maintain our sex life while she just simply would not have an orgasm or really enjoy sex again. Around the time she had this operation she also confronted some sexual abuse issues in her family and cut ties with them. These two elements combined did a real number on our sexual chemistry by my memory. Note that she was not abused, it was her sister. This isn't as much an issue now but it had a big impact on our sex life back then and obviously changed some of the dynamic going forward.
OTHER LEGITIMATE CONCERNS: She said she doesn't remember a time when we weren't at odds. We have had three really big and bad fights in our relationship. Fights I would say are out of the ordinary for a couple. In each three, there was physical contact, with me either pushing her, one time I pulled the covers off her out of anger and hurt her finger doing so, and one time I briefly blocked the door from our bedroom to keep her form leaving. She hit me all three times and I'm not going to say I didn't deserve it. Well I didn't probably but she didn't deserve any of that either. We were very emotional at the times and it was incredibly irresponsible. We have been in counseling to resolve our issues. Clearly, more resolving is needed. She also feels that I don't accept and/or respect her. She has a point here. I have done a poor job of standing up to my family for her, particularly my brother. I have not treated her and I as my main family nearly enough although I have grown into this a great deal. I'm the youngest of five kids in a close knit family so I have a lot of habits engrained in me. My brother has expressed his disapproval of a couple of her actions and I haven't been quick enough to defend her, probably because he touched on a soft spot that I may have actually agreed with him about. I still should tell him to keep his mouth shut about my wife and she needs me to do that too.
She also feels that I am too self absorbed and she doesn't get enough attention. I can agree with this some as well. I feel terrible for some of the times I have left her hanging in the cold when she made a great accomplishment or had good news. I made it about me and I'm truly ashamed of myself for this. She deserves better treatment that that and I've expressed my sincere regret and apologies for both this and for not standing up to my family more. I hope it gets through.
She said that she can't remember a time when our relationship wasn't a drain on her. That's not very encouraging. Obviously everything I've heard in the last 7 days - from hearing my wife lied to me to meet another man whom she has feelings for, to how I'm not an adequate lover, to how she doesn't love me - has been the most traumatizing thing I've ever been through. She has actually warmed up just a little in the last couple of days as we've aired out some of these things, however VERY slightly. We are talking and still in the same house but we are sleeping separate rooms and not touching. We only talk about passing events or this topic.
CLOSING: I'm not sure what to do here. I'm reading the DR but it doesn't seem to say what to do if your spouse engages you to talk. Sometimes it's like it's constructive and other times she'll ask what I think and it's like she wants me to agree with her so it's easier for her to leave. If I disagree or bring up a time that sort of contradicts her mind-set, like if she says we never had any hot sex and I bring up a time when we did, she will go to great lengths to let me know that it actually wasn't great or she was faking or something. She's very shut down and disconnected. She said that we're married and she's not going to walk out and let our marriage end like this but she doesn't have a lot of hope that she can get back to wanting to be with me. She's concerned that we "SHOULDN'T" be together, that we've built up too much garbage to overcome. That we may have made a mistake and the math is telling us we should find more compatible people. Mostly, she wants to be excited about having kids and does not feel that way with me and says she never did.
So should I engage her when we speak? When she asks me about my feelings, do I tell her? I did sort of unload about how I felt about her affair yesterday. I told her my counselor told me not to sell her on staying or profess my love, just to give her space. My wife said that she thought I was acting funny and wanted to hear the truth about how I felt about her affair, that it was creeping her out that I was being so happy or something. Looking back now, I see that I may have just played into her hand. It's as though she wants me to be miserable with her because she feels so guilty and wants reinforcement to leave. Quite frankly I feel incredibly guilty for some of the things I've done that have short changed her as well...
Please help. I need to know how to engage her if it arises while still being true to the plan.
Thank you for your input. I know that you're right. Here are the finer points I'm not sure about though: if she engages me to talk should I open up or just listen? If she asks me direct questions I mean? Questions like "how was your counseling appointment? what did you talk about? I'm curious what the counselor thought of all that?" I'm not sure how to handle those. When you say detach, is there any worry that she will think I'm just shutting her out from anger? I mean if she extends an olive branch, even a small one, how do I take it? Do I bother to extend any? One of her big complaints is that I didn't give her enough attention. I don't want to smother her but I don't want to make it look like I'm not making any effort either...maybe that's the wrong mind set...
if she engages me to talk should I open up or just listen? If she asks me direct questions I mean? Questions like "how was your counseling appointment? what did you talk about? I'm curious what the counselor thought of all that?" I'm not sure how to handle those. When you say detach, is there any worry that she will think I'm just shutting her out from anger? I mean if she extends an olive branch, even a small one, how do I take it? Do I bother to extend any? One of her big complaints is that I didn't give her enough attention. I don't want to smother her but I don't want to make it look like I'm not making any effort either...maybe that's the wrong mind set...
I would say listen, validate if necessary.
Are you answering her hoping she will change?
Can you answer without expectations?
Has she actually been doing that or is it in your head?
Good advice...she actually has approached me a little depending on how she is feeling. She felt particularly guilty about the affair the other night so she knocked on my door and came into my room to ask me about why I would fall asleep on the couch shortly before all this happened. She does seem to be very interested in how my conversations with friends and my counselor goes. She seems to want details. One thing I can see I need to be careful of is making sure I don't validate or join her reasons to quit...
My wife had an emotional affair and now feels that it was due to a great deal of problems in our relationship. We're still living together but she said she wants to give our marriage a fair chance before she makes any decision about staying or leaving. The big question I have is: how do I talk to her? I am giving her space but we do see each other in the house. Do I ask how her day was? One of her complaints was my lack of attention. If I want to show her I care it makes sense to me that I would show an interest in her life...and plus I really DO have an interest in her life. However I'm not sure I'm supposed to do that right now. Can someone offer me some input as to how I should proceed?
DB'ing is counter intuitive.
A live in spouse is the hardest thing in my experience.
I would mirror her, and answer her if it is required.
Speak with ACTIONS not words.
Understand that no single thing you do or say is going to turn this one way or the other.
As far as how to proceed. One day at a time. What are you doing for YOU? What goals do you have for YOU? How are you the BEST parent possible?
Hi. Sorry your here. Read the books and post a lot more. The vets will join in once they have a good idea of you stich Take care but give her space and STFU. take care
Hey Zach, you seem to be in a very similar situation I was in 4 months ago. W on the fence about leaving, OM involved, living together but sleeping in separate rooms, no kids involved. Good news is your W seems to want to at least try and make things work.
You seem to have a lot of questions about what to say and when, honestly looking back I can't remember half of the conversations my W and I had and I expect my W remembers even less. What she does remember is I was friendly and understanding, I validated her concerns and for these reason she is no longer hostile but has become friendly with me now. Just say very little and don't try to convince her she is wrong. Listen and agree with her, then try to figure out ways you can fix the things she is concerned about (don't tell her how or that you are going to just start doing them). Your actions will have a much longer lasting effect then anything you can ever say.
The second biggest issue is she doesn't find you attractive. Well that's easy to fix. Go out and update your wardrobe, not with cheap walmart [censored] I'm talking very nice expensive shirts, sales staff live to help so just ask them for advice. Get new boxers try adding some colours if you've always been a white and black guy. Get your hair cut, not from a first choice but from an actual salon you may be surprised how cheap they are for men. Maybe try adding gel to your hair or grooming a slight 5 o'clock shadow. Start wearing cologne everyday, if you used to wear some when you first started dating try that same scent, smell is the strongest sense linked to memory. Try those crest white stripes, start chewing gum and flossing. Last but not least hit the gym and start eating better. Not only will these things make you more appealing to your W but they will also improve your confidence, health and marketability. The other thing is be mysterious, go out and don't tell your W where you've been, you're giving her space so take some for yourself. Try these and document the results, see if she starts coming around to wanting more contact with you.
Go out and get yourself a copy of the 5 love languages, if your W isn't satisfied sexually it could be because she simply feels unloved. Figure out what her love language is and overflow her tank the sex should follow easily after that.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
