I was married in May of 2013. My husband and I only dated for 1 year before our marriage. I met him after a very stressful time in my life and he was a "breath of fresh air." We began dating the 2nd day we knew each and moved in instantly. Everything was so fast paced. I was pressured into the marriage and can honestly say that I married my husband for comfort, and for guilt bc we were "shacking." Several of his friend and church members (paster included) advocated for our marriege. During our entire relationship, he was financially unstable, I would have to hold down the finances. I began to resent him for not being responsible with the little money he did have. I was verbally abusive and said things such as "we are only roomates, I hate that we rushed, leaved me, and let's get divorced." I helped him through school and introduced him to a man who helped him get into a high paying industry. My angry words pushed my husband away and he left me. He now has a girlfriend, and I hosestly can't blame him. I prayed and began seeing how ugly I was. He's changed his phone number and I am filled with guilt. I now have so much respect for my marriage but I feel like it's too late now. He's been gone for 1 month and wants nothing to do with me. Just wanted to share so other woman (or men) can see how ugly, deadly words and kill a marriege. My husband was not perfect, and began spenking less and less time with me. I slowly pushed him away and now he does not like me.
Thank you for your response! I think I'm in denial. I keep praying that God fixes it. I've been hoping for a miracle but then I feel like I'm setting myself up for more hurt. I need to accept what he's showing me.
I responded to one of your postings in another thread, but I just read your story here and can relate to it a lot. My WAW won't have any contact with me any more either. She too made plenty of mistakes, but I made enough myself that she is sufficiently and self-righteously p'ed off and blames me for ruining the marriage. It's so painful.
Please keep posting. I'm a new member too and, speaking for myself, reading your story helps me. I'm sure it will help others too.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Are you looking to reconcile as well? I feel a little desperate, but I feel like fighting for my marriage is worth it. I'm doing Sandi's 37 rules but I'm a little afraid that it's too late...? and I think it's ineffective if he won't speak with me. Have you been able to get your mind off things? If so, how? I don't sleep well at all. I wake up multiple times a night and think of him and this woman. Any tips on your strategy?
I'll def keep posting, it is therapeutic and I'm hoping to help anyone else get thru as they help me.
My husband moved out on 11/2/14, only 1 month after moving back in from a separation for 1 month in September. Our separation in September was due to me telling him to leave; a apologized for that, but he told me that he didn't love me the same way that he used to. I was harsh with words and threatened D throughout our relationship. He withdrew and didn't spend any time with me.
He left in November bc we just were not getting along. He didn't trust me. He slept in another bedroom. He didn't want to talk with me. I got attitudes. I would leave the home and stay at a (female) friend's home until 11pm just so it'd look like I had a life. When he left in November, I moved out our apt and in with a homosexual man. When I moved out, he moved back into our apartment.
I tried to force him to give me an answer about what he wants for this marriage bc he won't say "y" or "n" ab the topic of D. We have not spoken since 10/21. He got upset with me bc I confronted him ab long conversations and sending roses to a woman. (I found out ab this from the phone bill and his email). He denied it and told me that he was giving me the phone back. I had the phone deactivated and the lights in the apt turned off. He changed his number and used a blocked number to call and tell me that he had me dropped from the auto insurance.
I went into the apt on 10/28 to get the last of my things. He didn't know I was going and I had to get a key from the leasing office. He called me multiple times from a blocked number but then called me from his number, I didn't answer. He sent me and text and left me a VM telling me not to come back over there.
I'm so resentful bc I've been there for him, and now he has a high paying job and I feel used and abandoned. He didn't call me in Thansgiving and I could not call him bc I didn't have his number at that time. He even told one my aunt's friends that he doesn't "vibe" with me anymore when she only asked him how I was doing when she saw him in the mall.
I don't know what on earth I should be trying to do. I want to make it work, and I'm praying that this is jus a season, but I really feels like he has hate in his heart towards me; and now he's talking to a pretty, 33 yo nurse. He's normally into older women, and he feels like I'm immature.
I'm lost and filled with guilt.
Me-27 H-32 M- 5/2013 No children Currently separated since11/2014 1st separation- 10/3/14 - 11/1/14 Last convo (argument) - 10/21/14
I've been burying myself in the Word of God. I've been praying more and relying on faith. I've been going into my office to work instead of working from home like I normally do. I've been hanging with a few friends just to leave the home.
Should I wear my wedding ring still?
I know that reaching out to him is a step backwards but I can't seem to get him and the OW out of my head.
I've been relatively stable the past few days, but in near-constant pain. For the first couple of weeks I didn't get it. I thought WAW would come to counseling again and we'd work things out. After I realized she wasn't coming back any time soon, I was floored. I don't cry a lot normally, but I was sobbing daily. Full breakdown, curled up on the floor, sobbing like an animal. I teared up a tiny bit this morning, but haven't cried hard for a few days now.
What's helped? Well, I've been going to IC a couple times a week. I have a close relationship with a "sponsor" in a 12-step program and he's been a very good and patient support throughout this. I've started going to a new church and opening up more to the pastor and people there. Lots of prayer and meditation. I've been reading DB and other similar books every night and journaling quite a bit. I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed for a couple of weeks, but I pushed past that and started opening up to a few friends about what had transpired. They were all very supportive. Some validated my perspective in a helpful way and some helped by calling me out on my poor behavior in a loving way. And, I think, letting myself cry and get it out was a good thing. And the DB coaching has been helpful. And I'm very glad i joined this forum.
I am definitely interested in reconciling. This week, a close friend who was trying to be helpful, suggested I get out and see OW. I can't fathom that right now. I was divorced before and that's exactly how i moved past it. That actually worked to an extent. This time, there is noone else I want to be with. Can't imagine being with anyone else.
Not chasing after my WAW is so difficult. It's a daily struggle not to scratch the itch to send a text message. My mind tells me I'm letting her slip further away each day I don't reach out (even tho everyone here assures me the opposite is true). And sending a text, even if there is no reply, makes me feel a little bit closer to her. Like she's still in my daily life. So the DB rules seem counter-intuitive to me, but make sense in a logical way. And I'm just trying to trust the people who have been through this before me. Also, I know that the GAL actions I'm pursuing will make me stronger and better for my life with or w/o my W. I'm going to be a better man and a better parent to my kids either way. So I'm constantly trying to let go of my obsessive thinking and focus on taking positive action.
The flip side of feeling so torn up and vulnerable is that my heart is more open than it ever has been. I feel very humble and open to the world in a way that is very rich. I am conscious of this and I am working on staying present and not closing back up.
And, btw, i removed my wedding ring for about a week. I looked at a couple of dating sites, chatted with a couple of women. But then it hit me so strongly that I want to be with my W. We aren't divorced yet, I love her and am not giving up yet. So I put my ring back on and like having it on my finger right now. And even though i haven't seen my WAW in over two months, I imagine she has removed her ring and I have mentally prepared myself to bump into her and not be bothered by that.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
