New & seeking advice on what to do

[DaneMom]

Any advice on how to handle H's request/demand that he still visit and see our other dog on a regular basis? Am conflicted internally as I know that this interaction will be the only interaction in person we have (outside of divorce and asset division stuff).

One of the issues I need to get past with him is that while he is gone for work during the week and off training for ultra races during the weekend, the burden has fallen on me to take care of the household and dogs. If I agree to his request I feel like he still gets to have the best of both worlds... i.e. do his own thing and when it fits into his schedule, come see the dog while I continue to do all the day to day work. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about taking care of the dog, just frustrated as to why it would be ok for H to 'share custody per say' of the dog without any of the daily responsibilities.

Do I just let it go for now and let him do as he pleases and visit with the dog when he can fit it into his life?

[Wonka]

DaneMom,

Bump. Are you still around?

[Dawn70]

Hi DaneMom!

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. So sorry for your situation. There are some GREAT folks with wonderful advice here so I hope you find the support that you need.

[DaneMom]

Hi Wonka-
Still here. Been really busy and emotionally challenging with the Thanksgiving holiday. I responded to some questions last night but still waiting for the to be posted.

[DaneMom]

Feeling anxious and worried today. WAH wants to talk today about things as he put it. He called last night while I was out with a girlfriend so I did not answer. I texted back 10 min later that I was out and asked what did he need? He responded with he wanted to talk about a few things but it could wait and to have a nice time.
What has me anxious is that I had met up with him the day before so that his sister and niece, who were visiting for the holiday, could say hi and see the dog. SIL and niece were very emotional to see me and SIL whispered in my ear when she hugged me that she is sorry he is doing this to me. At end of the visit SIL asked quietly if we could stay in touch and visit regardless of what happens with WAH and me. Which I agreed to.

As I got into the car to leave WAH asked when could we talk about some financial stuff and visitation for him with the dog. I told him I'd call two days later after the weekend is over. So why is he calling in the middle of the weekend? For some reason I have a bdd feeling .... Not sure why and am trying to shake it or detach and not think about it.

In all honesty I don't want to have the conversation about visiting the dog as I am conflicted about my feelings around it.... I do know one thing though.... If I don't want him coming by on a regular basis then he is going to say that I am 'controlling' things again. Which is one of his issues with me and I am trying to work on that. But him being allowed to pop in and out to visit the dog when it fits his schedule is not okay either.

[DaneMom]

I've been trying to GAL but struggling. Have a month long vacation out of the country planned with a friend. We leave in 2 weeks, but I find myself dreading going for some reason. Am having difficulty getting excited about going.

I started working out again which is good and bad. I find that I get frustrated that I am not in shape (which I know I will be eventually) but that I also can't do the things I used to with the bad back and knees now. Today in the middle of the workout with the Trainer 'motivating us' I found myself all consumed with thoughts of WAH getting into his dream ultra race (100 miler)... I found that out yesterday. I broke down crying in the middle of a run on the treadmill ... very embarrassing. Guess I am sad that I am not the one who is training and supporting him on that adventure.

I is coming over tonight to discuss visitation schedule for the dog.... I am very anxious about that... I want to control the situation and not have him come visit because he is not good with respecting my time. When he is called out on that it just causes an argument... so I'd just assume to not have him visit to see the dog on a regular basis... but then again... its the only time I see him now....

Seems like such a fine line between standing up for myself now and not being 'controlling'.

[DaneMom]

SIL called me tonight. First time I have really talked to her since seperation a year ago. She called to say how sorry she was that her brother was doing this to me. She had been supportive to him during this time but she found out that he'd been lying about EA (possible PA) all this time as she had gone snooping at his place while visiting him during Thanksgiving. Apparently found some incriminating cards. WAH also had nerve to introduce SIL and niece to OW and OW Mom at mall after just seeing me and the dog. SIL gave him the riot act and called him a fool for walking away from marriage and told him never to bring OW around them or rest of the family again. I appreciate what she did in sticking up for me. Only wished it mattered to him but I know it didn't .

Interestingly SIL noted that WAH seems very down .... Not happy like he professed to be several months ago. However it is hard to really tell since his nose is constantly buried in his phone and not visiting with her or niece while staying at his place.

I shouldn't care what his family thinks but it is kind of nice they are supportive of me. Wish I could figure out how to detach faster/better. More than anything I want to confront OW.... Deep breath.... Walk away....

[Wonka]

DaneMom,

Glad to see that you're back and posting. Keep doing this in order to get some people to come around your thread.

As for interactions with H, you might want to read up a bit on proper validation techniques: Validation: Cheat Sheet

This will aid greatly in keeping those interactions neutral and hopefully defuse any potential arguments with H.

[DaneMom]

Well, I found out through a friend today that WAH is angry at me for SIL being upset at him. He thinks that I talked to her prior to her getting mad at him. Prior to her calling me two nights ago I had not talked to her in over a year other than 5 days ago after Thanksgiving when I met her and WAH with dog for a brief visit. He was around the entire time so I couldn't have 'talked' to her.

So true to form, he thinks his sister's displeasure with him is my fault.

On a side note, I am trying to figure out how to handle a request of his that I give him access to booking our timeshare. For some reason when we bought it, I set up the account with all my contact info and its tied to my email. I am torn if I should give him free access to it because he recently removed my access to a hotel rewards account that I wanted to book a trip against (would never just do without his consent since it is a joint asset but wanted to research a trip of myself and mom) ... his reason is that due to past conversations I have stated that I did not I think I would want it in the divorce.... never any formal agreements, just statements made when emotional.
Part of me says don't give him personal access to protect myself from him removing my access, but the other part of my says I should because one of my 180s is to not be as 'controlling' about stuff. WAH would definitely think my not changing the access to the timeshare as a 'Controlling' move.

A DB move versus protecting my interests???????

[Wonka]

DaneMom,

First of all, who owns the hotel rewards account? Is it both in your names?

Second, who owns the timeshare condo?