MLC for crazy making!!!

[BBlove]

Can someone talk to me about MLC cycling? Or provide links. I feel so crazy sometimes. How rapid are their cycles? I'm doing pretty well at staying dim. We went for drink Thursday to discuss upcoming relocation which potentially may have the girls and I moved before he can move too. I did lots of listening and affirming. He cried some, I cried more then I had hoped too. We didn't talk any future at stuff but both agreed the door to him coming home wasn't closed. He said in his 5 weeks in his own place he's Been able to do some reflecting and he is seeing just how negative of a person he is and he doesn't like it. He wants to change that and so much more he says but doesn't know how. We briefly cheated about him gettig back into IC but well see if that happens.

I'm trying to learn more about MLCers cycling and don't know where to look.

Thank you in advance!

[AJM]

Have you seen the posts, Cadet posted? If not, have a look for him and one of the links pages.

Cycling is very different for each person though, so as with all things MLC - take it as a data point that happened to others.

AJ

[job]

Go to your first page of this thread and scroll down. Cadet posted the "home work" page for you w/a lot of the links.

AJ is correct, each person is different, i.e., personalities, upbringings, issues, etc. Each person will act out differently and yet have many of the same behaviors as others that are floating around on the Mother Ship. Cycling can be long or short, depending upon the person.

[BBlove]

I religiously read all my homework!! I will read again and again. It's just been such a roller coaster week for me personally. I didn't think the holidays would be as hard as they have been my heart hurts and chest is heavy.

[BBlove]

Anyone have a working link to HBs LBS stages sermons? The link listed in my HW post from cadet is still not working. Thank you all for your support! 😘😘

[job]

BB,
I'm sorry to have to say this, but the link for HB's stages is no longer working. Her work was purged back in the early fall when the Board was cleaning up. Someone may have kept a copy and hopefully they will respond, but unless the creator of the posting came back and let us know that we could continue posting their threads, they weren't included in Cadet's home work links. A few creators' of threads, like myself, did not wish to have some of the threads kept here any longer so they weren't brought back.

[Cadet]

unless the creator of the posting came back and let us know that we could continue posting their threads, they weren't included in Cadet's home work links.

BB
Unfortunately this is exactly the case with the thread you are looking for.

If HB would like to have it included here then she would need to re-post it.
I would not want to re-post it without her permission.

Sorry but there are still lots of good resources here.

[BBlove]

Ok.. So lots has happend since I last posted. Looking for some feedback and guidance. Please understand while reading that I am being very open eyed and cautious as I proceed. Its all just so overwhelming!

I found out a week ago without a shadow of doubt that H's assumed EA (possibly already PA) had in fact turned into a PA when he moved out. She was not technically living with him but a lot of her stuff was in his apartment and she was pretty much always there. This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks! For the whole month before he had been giving touch n go's. Helping more with chores around the house, a little more engaging in conversation, took more interest in the girls and my tots activities. We spent all xmas day together. I didn't read too much into though but who wouldn't at least think it was some progress. All to find out he was shacking up with OW.

We are supposed to be moving 100+ miles this year. Originally before all this MLC nonsense we were planning on going after his school year (he's a teacher). But since the BD and him moving out there was no point in the girls and I staying since moving meant being closer to my sister and more help with my girls. H and I had a handful of conversations regarding the move but of course in typical MLCer fashion never had any input other then whatever I thought was best. But he never waviered on the fact that regardless of what I decided he too would be moving too at then end of the school year.

SOOO fast forward to last week when I found out about the OW. That night we had already had scheduled a time to talk after the girls went down, before he left about "the move"... I handed him a letter with all my thoughts and feelings and it was pretty raw and intense. It was honest but also loving and supportive. It was all the things I had not gotten to say to him since the BD 1 year ago. After he read it we talked a few hours, nothing too profound. Just a lot of him talking about how screwed up he is. I communicated to him that as long as he was with OW we could not be friends.

The next day I asked him straight out "are we going to be able to be friends AKA are you going to continue your relationship?" He said he didn't know what he wanted but yes he thinks he will be continuing some version of the relationship just not sure what that looked like at the moment. From that moment on I committed to going completely dim unless it had to do with scheduling or an emergency with the girls.

The next morning I texted my landlord and copied H to let my landlord know that we would be moving April and Id be giving my 30 day notice with March's rent. That night I got an email from H right before he was due at our house to watch the girls because I had a late night client, that said that all of a sudden he is seeing things clearer and he does not like the man he sees in the mirror or the man he has been. The good thing is that he is able to see this and that means he is able to start the healing process and become the man he knows he can be. He promises he will get it figured out and make it happen. (it was like a 3 paragraph email). I was floored. Since many months before BD I have not heard him speak with any depth or emotion to me. I saw the man I use to know in this email for the first time in almost 2 years. I did not reply that night.

The next morning I woke up to another email saying " I ended things with her. I realized need my daughters more then I need to breathe. I have made an obscene about of mistakes in my life but all of them combined do not add up to even 1% of what I have done to you and the girls. I responded that the I am glad to hear all this for his sake. That the girls love him so very much and we are all standing behind him even if it may not feel like that at times.

Since there has been several times where he has cried big tears and has been very emotional when at the house with us. He has been communicating via text daily. Mainly friendly stuff some deeper stuff of how he's feeling positive and hopeful to change and do the hard work. He even texted my sister (who is my best friend) and apologized to her for the mistakes he made and promised her "he would spend the rest of his life making up for his behaviors." To which my sister gracefully replied that she loved him and wanted to see him get better because she knows hes a good person. And said she was there to help us in any way.

Yesterday he texted me asking if "somewhere down the road we could work hard together or did he destroy all hope?" My response was that "There is hope. We both would have to work really hard but I think we could have the life we originally set out to create. We have plenty of time if nothing else, please just take all the time you need." I did draw a boundary and said "the only 2 things at this point that could change that is if you have contact with OW or lie any more." To which he responded "ok, I understand."

Sooooooooo I am doing my very best to have zero expectations and reading reading reading all I can on awakening, reconnecting, and OW withdrawal. Although I have hope I am well aware that there is sooooooooo much more of this journey left for both him and myself. I plan to continue with my plans to move in April and he will move to the area in June/July. At this point the plan would be for him to still get his own place while we continue to connect. According to what I am reading after the OW withdrawal happens (which is hard because he works with her ugh) he will then cross into depression. I am already seeing the exhaustion all the time and the sleeplessness hes reporting and tearfulness. He is no stranger to depression but this feels different.

I know that tomorrow it can all be different and he could be right back in replay but I choose to stay in the moment and do what I can today. Which is let him take the lead but continue to encourage him to move along in his journey by my subtle presence.

If you read this far thank you... Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as I feel like a lost puppy dog! lol

[Georgiabelle]

BBLove,

I'm glad you posted an update and making plans for your future. I'll be brief and succinct and I don't mean to be harsh. Actions speak louder than words. Keep expectations at zero and keep focusing on you and your girls.

[BBlove]

Thank you! I understand. I am simply sitting back and watching for the actions to catch up to the words. I'm not going to lie its a battle everyday to remind myself to balance hope and reality of zero expectations!