Do you still get to see SS15? I thought that was part of the original agreement? Have you seen him since this all went down or is he now a permanent resident with his dad?
Sorry about the car trouble- it does seem like bad things come in groups.
Raliced, he is now resident with his father - nearly 3 hours away. But, yes, that was the verbal agreement - I got him every Wednesday nite. But that was when he was with her through the week. Now, he is with her on the same weekends that my children are with her. Any time I get to spend will be with both her and her 2nd ex-husband's agreement. Fortunately, SS15 REALLY wants to spend time with me, so we'll figure something out.
The reality is, it will be much less time, regardless.
Honestly, I've turned the corner on "woe is me" crap. Faith has a lot to do with that. My life lately has been absurdist theater (just this morning I got all the way to XW house and realized that my daughter's laptop was still at my house - she needs it for school - and I added an hour to my commute.) I am just trying to laugh at it. Keeps me a heck of a lot calmer when I realize this is just a storm that must be weathered.
Hey, annual bonus is coming in in 4 weeks, as well as annual raises. And an income tax return! Things are looking up!
Shakspr
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
As suggested, I am checking in once again. Here's the facts, followed by the observations, and the whatevers.
My collarbone is healing slowly. I have started rehabbing. It's sore, but I need my strength back to get back in shape. I put some of the weight back on that I lost prepping for the ski trip and that's not cool!
Stress and anxiety have taken a toll. I thought I was fighting allergies to something (or a bedbug infestation!) - laundry detergent, soap, foods. Turns out, it may be a combination of those (and nickel) or maybe none at all. I have mild hives that come and go. I think that getting back on my exercise routine will alleviate this. Also, I am forcing myself to get to bed earlier and rest. The condition seems to be improving as a result.
I am refinancing the house and I took on a boarder. I've known him 8 years and I trust him implicitly with my kids. This will/has helped tremendously in the finance arena. I needed help - turns out I owed about $4K in income taxes after all the changes.
XW and her new man have not followed through on the remarriage yet. They are living together still. My children have made reference to the fact that the house they are living in is temporary. I get the feeling that it's a fix and flip situation. She and I don't talk much. That's mostly by my choice. I want everything in writing, so it's email or text for the most part. I am setting boundaries in this way - I have to remind her often that if she's not talking about our children, I don't want to hear about it.
So, the biggest concern is SS16. He has lost his way. After moving in with his Dad, other problems, probably buried pretty deep, began to manifest. He is in a care facility getting the help he needs. He has harmed others, himself, and sees no reason to stop either. His Mom and Dad are both talking to me enough that I remain informed. He is in my prayers daily.
My S11 and D8 (soon to be 9!) are a joy. My son has taken up boxing. No comment. However, I did box in college as well. It's the best shape I've ever been in when I was in season, so there is that. D8 has started cheer. She tells me she wants to stay with me more and also says she doesn't like all the going back and forth. I try to listen and answer her questions. She is a lovable inquisitive little girl.
So, on to the more subjective stuff. My mental state has varied mightily. For the most part, I recognize the lows and do the things that I know help mitigate them. I GAL as much as I can - went camping with the kids last weekend. Soon I will look at more of the individually fun things - concerts and cultural goodies. Summertime is good for all that. I have a trip to Florida with the kids coming in June, and a hiking trip to Colorado coming up in August. Also, I am quieter now, and somewhat less glib even when I'm having a good day.
I am beginning to agree with the "rule of thumb" for mental healing - about a month for every year married. I don't know why...it's more intuitive than anything.
Speaking of which, I am learning to trust my intuition again. I think we all change in marriage - some better, some worse, some just different. But I was never able to articulate parts of my decision making process to my XW because they were inductively reasoned (or just hunches!), and at some point I just gave in and let her have her way about most things. So, not answering to anyone but myself and my God for my actions and planning has been kinda fun.
So, tomorrow is my 6 mo divorce anniversary. Hadn't really looked at it that way until I started writing this down. So, this is your chance to ask questions (even icky ones about QDRO and Deeds of Trust and so forth). Fire away! I'll stay on the thread and answer any questions as best I can.
Shakspr
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Generallly good. I have taken time to stretch out of my comfort zone and enjoy time with more of my casual friends. Having a housemate mitigates or eliminates the dread I had of coming home to an empty house after dropping off the kids. Those were the worst and they are now largely gone.
Other times, while not truly bad, are generally listless. I guess my range has flattened out, which I take as a sign that I am giving my mind and heart a chance to heal. The grief process is NOT a straight line. Stuff will bubble up outta nowhere that you had either forgotten about or chosen to ignore. And some things...there aren't words for some things. So I surround myself with good people. Or watch Daredevil. Or both!
I have less patience at work. That is something I have to be careful of. I have a certain amount of authority, but I can't go off with impunity.
How are you doing? Any new success/hope stories since it looks like my buddy Nitty has largely moved into piecing? Last I heard, Jefe's sitch was improving.
Shakspr
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I'm glad you gave us an update, but so very sad to hear about SS16. I hope he is getting meaningful help where he is. I can't imagine having that happen with a child that I love. It must be incredibly difficult.
Have things evened out with D22? Glad to hear the younger two are doing well.
Also happy to hear you have some plans to look forward to in the summer. I went through a period from about late January to mid March- where I was ok emotionally, but the physical stress caught up and I crashed from exhaustion every night when I put the girls to bed and just had to put one foot in front of the other every day. I've had much more energy in the last month and am truly starting to feel completely myself again. There is a mountain of work to be done around the property, adn I'm built to be a survivor - so it was time to get moving.
I'm at a place where I still mourn the loss of my family unit - but I'm pretty ok with letting STBX go. I haven't closed the door to reconciliation - but I know its highly unlikely and when I think of it - to be blunt, I consider it a desirable outcome for my kids and not necessarily myself. It has been difficult to swallow, but I realized that a lot of the dreams I had for the future were ones that would have had to happen in spite of STBX.
And now- I cannot help myself, I have to offer a practical suggestion regarding your taxes. Perhaps when things have progressed a bit, you might be able to suggest to your X that you each take a child as a deduction (Which would also allow you to file as Head of Household). You could offer to pay your X what she would lose taxwise and still come ut far ahead. i understand this is relatively common with divorce couples. I've thought about proactively being kind and suggesting it to STBX myself - but I am not in the mood to enrich OW's household and if I followed through it would be with the understanding that a certain percentage of his realized savings would need to land in the kids college accounts.
You know - I've been wrestling with whether or not I should buy season ski passes for D7 and myself. The last few drought years have been so crummy that they are practically giving them away along with a money back guarantee if its another drought year. And then I think.....you know people break their collar bones skiing......
I don't believe their have been any traditional success stories since you were last here, although there are a lot of people feeling stronger and moving on. New people arrive every day and their stories are eerily similar. I guess all this has happened before and will happen again.....
It's another degree of powerlessness when it comes to my SS16. He seems to be getting excellent care - the facility has a good reputation. Only way to know will be a long term result. So I pray and hope for a better tomorrow for him.
I am one step ahead of you on those taxes. Basically, I was in a weird spot and losing the wife and the marriage was like two deductions. She let me keep the kids, but I lost a lot of Bush tax cuts but didn't adjust my deductions and...well, I make a good living. You just wouldn't know it for all the debt. Anyway, she has agreed to let me keep a child on for as long as I can to keep the head of household deduct.
Things have definitely evened out with D22. I'm taking her to her unit headquarters tomorrow before she takes off for her 2 week annual training. She hasn't asked for rent help for 3 months! Other stuff with her is pretty normal.
I am still mourning my marriage. I have a very hard time, even in my own private thoughts, thinking negatively of my XW. I recognize all that was, and all that could have been, and...it still cuts deep. I am not openly exposed to OM. Haven't even seen him in person yet. I suppose the day will come when my son invites me to a boxing match or my daughter is cheering, and there he'll be. Coaching my son. Ugh. Truth is, I don't think about him much except to wonder how the woman I married got mixed up with the kind of man who would draw a woman out of marriage. I know that sounds circular. I'm just disgusted by all of it...it's so grotesque to me that I don't process it much. I'm not hiding my head in the sand. I just know that it is unhealthy to dwell on the new life that she is building.
Speaking of which...it's odd how she seems to be moving forward, feeling good about herself (except when it comes to SS16...she seems downright embarrassed about that.) To an independent observer, I suppose I look like the messed up one. I tell myself that it's not true, and that long-term, there's really no comparison. But in the here and now...I want her whole world to come crashing down around her and everyone, including her, to see what a mess she's made. It's childish and pedantic, but it's how I feel.
Then I remember that my kids are right there in the middle of this, that they will feel the backlash just as soon as anything starts to fall apart. And I stop. And remind myself that a part of me will always love a part of her.
I recognize so much of what you are saying about your VERY detached STBX. How what he does or doesn't do affects you still, but that you feel free of the drama, and look forward to a future with heretofore undreamt possibilities. You're right - survivors, and I include myself in that group, don't stay down long. Try to have some fun with your projects. I'm going to try to do the same.
I get what you're saying about the eerily similar new voices. It is hard to believe my journey started less than a year ago. It makes what the vets do around here that much more impressive...this place is emotionally charged at all times, and rarely has it's roots in the positive, no matter how hard we try to build one another up.
Shakspr
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Hey Shakes - Sounds like you are in a peaceful yet still sad and painful place.
Originally Posted By: Shakspr
...it's odd how she seems to be moving forward, feeling good about herself (except when it comes to SS16...she seems downright embarrassed about that.) To an independent observer, I suppose I look like the messed up one. I tell myself that it's not true, and that long-term, there's really no comparison. But in the here and now...I want her whole world to come crashing down around her and everyone, including her, to see what a mess she's made. It's childish and pedantic, but it's how I feel.
I don't find this odd at all - she has to prove to herself she made the correct decision, after all. I think everyone here has had some version of your wish for their WAS's world to come crashing down - I think its just human nature - it says something very good about you that you can see past it to the effect on your kids. For me this takes a slightly different form - I feel a competitive nature arising in me. STBX left just when his career was finally starting to take off - and now I feel a new determination to outdo him on that front. I don't know that it will last forever - but since I have two kids and a houseful of animals dependent on me - I'll take the motivation, even if its petty at the moment.
I'm very impressed that you don't think negatively about your XW. I wish I was there with you. I tend to waffle back and forth. I do think mine is a good man who has lost his moral compass, but there's an awful lot of deceit to work through. There were probably 10,000 ways I could have improved as a wife, but I was a faithful one, and I was always in his corner. I think I've actually lost my respect for him- but I know that can be regained.
I am indeed looking forward to my household projects. My nephew is coming to visit while he is on leave from ranger school in a few weeks - and I may have to take advantage of him to get some things done that literally require heavy lifting.
Prayers for you and your family - especially for SS.
Better stock your fridge, pantry, and squirrel away some goodies in other places too...Ranger school is a beast. I did pre-Ranger and got dropped when my knee gave out. If he made it through, he's hungry and exhausted. They never have enough food or sleep. I had a roommate who said after Ranger school that he literally couldn't pass a place that had food without getting some.
Your assessment is on point. But I remain hopeful. I am not, by nature, a person predisposed toward depression and "blah." I'll check back in one of these days with a sunnier outlook, I assure you.
Your prayers are welcomed. I'm going to write SS16 a letter today in hopes that he is allowed to receive regular mail.
Onward and upward
Last edited by Shakspr; 04/22/1502:18 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Hah Shakespr- I am way, way ahead of you. Both he and my niece are in the service (he’s a West Pointer and she did ROTC at Princeton says the proud aunt), and I have noticed a distinct pattern that they both time their visits right about the time some difficult training ends. I am more than delighted to protect my favorite aunt status by feeding and pampering them both. While their mother (my sister) is a Paleo diet devotee, I am still willing to feed them sugar and carbs. However, since you say this training is extra difficult I might make him three german chocolate cakes instead of the standard two - just as long as he helps me move my spare refrigerator.
I’m glad you are looking forward to sunnier times. The rain is certainly falling right now, but you’ve always struck me as someone who will make it through- one way or the other.
