KAW, the cycle how I see it, is he gets in this grumpy/stone mood where when he comes home he will shoot looks at me and doesn't come near me to say hello/hug. I get the, oh no, something is wrong feeling in my stomach and begin to get upset--what is wrong, is it me (if it is work he will usually share it), then I feel I need to cheer him up, and ask what is wrong, and start feeling like the whole relationship is going downhill. What I want is a reassurance that the whole thing is not collapsing, but of course he won't give me that, not even when things are going well. So why should I expect it then? When he is like this, I start needing things more from him--hugs, conversation, I don't get it, I get grumpy and thus the cycle. Classic stuff, and things I should know better than to fall into the trap of doing. I just feel my resolve slipping.
Been there...done that (heck, doing that!). Have you read "men are from mars..."? It may help you a bit to depersonalize the cycle you guys seem to be in a bit right now. Also, what about applying some DB principles (180s, etc) to getting yourself unstuck??
Hang in there!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You sound a bit better, have you checked your goals lately, they'll help you stay on track.
The main thing I see is that he is getting a reaction out of you when he is grumpy. That is his payoff. You need to not react to this negativity. Force your spunky self! Remember your old thread, accentuate the positive.
I am sorry to hear that things are not going so smooth. It was good of you to take the kids to the ball game with out the husband. Sounds like you all had a great time with him. That is a start in the right direction...maybe when he see you having fun without him he will want to join in.
Just remember to keep focus on what your goal is and try not to let the little set backs get you down.
Quoting Dagny: KAW, the cycle how I see it, is he gets in this grumpy/stone mood where when he comes home he will shoot looks at me and doesn't come near me to say hello/hug. I get the, oh no, something is wrong feeling in my stomach and begin to get upset--what is wrong, is it me (if it is work he will usually share it), then I feel I need to cheer him up, and ask what is wrong, and start feeling like the whole relationship is going downhill.
OK, so maybe a little tweeking is needed. Can you have a anecdote of the highlight of your day ready by the time he comes home? "A funny/interesting/weird thing happen to me today..." ... there by trying to lighten the mood ... then ask "How was your day?" rather than leading with a negative question like "Is there something wrong?" Act "as-if" your PMA and upbeat conversation can shake off his mood. If it works, and he lightens up, you will have your reassurances without having to ask for them.
Quoting Dagny: When he is like this, I start needing things more from him--hugs, conversation, I don't get it, I get grumpy and thus the cycle.
You're taking his mood personally and thereby getting sucked into it. Just because he has a hair up his butt doesn't mean that it has anything to do with you. If you want to be supportive and understanding that's great so long as he is receptive to it. If not, leave him alone to wallow ... don't get suck in to his drama and the easiest way to do that is to leave him be.
It was a really rough week last week, but going better this week. Whether that was because H's attitude has changed, or mine, I'm not sure.
KAW--You are right. I do take it very personally when H has a bug up his butt! I assume it is me. And maybe it is or isn't, but I need to keep living life and get off the eggshells. I need to learn I can't "fix" everything, if he wants to head out the door, he will, and my clinging or worrying won't change a thing. I know he likes me to be more confident and upbeat--and that is good for me, too. So must act as if until I can be that.
I've been thinking about the "what's wrong" statements. It just seems like it is starting on a negative. Want to be more positive--so trying to ask how was your day and if he just says fine, then I'm leaving it at that, not going to beat things out of him!
Steve---hi there! It is a bump, you are right, I just turned it into a mountain, and that was my own doing. Need to learn how to realize it is just a bump when I'm going through it.
Pam--I did get the second karate belt, glad I have this outlet to do something purely for me.
Sage--I know, I need a 180, need to stop the cycle before it stops. Got a lot of practice on that one last week. Trying to listen to what H wants and give it to him, but then also get to do what I want. Sometimes just removing myself from the house seems to help. Maybe I should start going for walks with the dog to clear my head.
DB-- Goals, I know. I was looking over what I had written in November, and some of the things that don't work--I started doing again. I need to refer to that list/journal a bit more often. And reread DR and set new goals for this new challenge.
Vince--I'm glad I went to the ball game. I'm not sure what I would have done previously, probably talked H into going, he would have been miserable, I would have been angry, etc. But we had a great time instead!
So, I survived my bump, my spirits are better. The summer is flying by. I'm trying to work on positive reinforcements with H and kids. On Thursday we go to the Phillies--our 17th anniversary of our first date (also at the Phillies). Hopefully it will go well and H will remain in the good mood he is in. If not, I will have fun!
You are sounding good today. Hope you continue on your path.
Quote: I was looking over what I had written in November, and some of the things that don't work--I started doing again. I need to refer to that list/journal a bit more often. And reread DR and set new goals for this new challenge.
That is something I too have to do. And probably a few others on the bb. Maybe tattoo those goals on our forearms....
What also helps me to get back to the DBing, about every 4, 5 weeks I will go back and reread my old threads. It is amazing how far that we have to come. It helps go and do those things that brought her back to me. So you might want to look at that if you need a boost one day.
Hi Jackie..I am not too good at stopping by..you have been over to see me and I really appreciate it.
I agree with the others..don't include h in family things..if he seems to be buggy around you, then give him the space. My h attitude when he was home was so cold and distant..answered things as brief as possible..it was not until he was feeling better about himself that he started to project that to me..and I too am feeling better..if you have read any of mine you will see that I decided I had to keep going or I was scared to death I would sink and never come back up. I have seen a sister go through depression and sometimes I realize it is not in anyones control, but I do think alot of your attitude has to affect your mind and body. Start to foccus on you..because your son needs you the reast of his life even if your m does not survive..I know I sound all strong and mighty..I am not..I just beleive we have the choices and resources out there to help us go on.
I haven't read my threads in a while, Lee, that is a good suggestion. Especially as I've gone through this before and there is always good advice that would stand the test of time.
Jorge, how about a henna tatoo?It's always good to look at the goals and what works. I guess those exercises are in the book for a reason.
Sue, you are right, you do sound strong, but your logic is correct, I think. I also believe our attitude effects our actions and decisions and whether we are prone to fall into a depression. I am trying to plan things and simply ask H what he wants to do. And then have fun on my own with the kids. These deserve a happy mom, not a basket case. Their dad can decide what he wants.
Off to the game tonight then a few days with the ILs. We are to go to my aunt's 70th b-day party, and even I asked H about 3 months ago and then he agreed to cover a midnight to 8 shift, so is planning to just drop us off and go home (3 hour drive). I'm a bit angry at this, the shift isn't one he had to do, but I can either stew about it or make the best of it. My Ps are coming up, so they are giving us a ride home and now I won't worry if he is having a good time or not. So, maybe there is a silver lining in all this.
Quote: I'm a bit angry at this, the shift isn't one he had to do, but I can either stew about it or make the best of it
Hey Jackie, Just checking in on you. I love that statement above, it shows me you're really getting this stuff down! That's the attitude to adopt. There really is a silver lining in every cloud if you look hard enough. Have yourself a fun holiday weekend.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
