Ha, she was quite critical of me afterwords and basically said I failed to do my part. No, pretty much none of what my STBX is doing is palatable to me. I want her as far from me as possible. It was how I felt during the M. No matter how hard I tried I never could get it right in a way that would earn me respect or affection. I've waived the flag.
I'm not over this by any stretch. I don't know if its par for the course or not. Maybe I expected to be further by now. I feel like I'm backsliding in some ways. In the beginning I was making changes and our interactions were friendly. I guess like many I thought it might just get better. Now that I have given up much hope I just don't see the point. I'm continuing with the changes for me, but can't bring myself to DB in the sense of bending my behavior around her reactions and keeping a log of 'progress'. I know I'm not the only one to struggle with this. I'm in the 'expect the worst and take care of myself' phase. And since I pretty much enjoy my life whenever I'm nowhere near her that's where I need to be.
I'm not burning bridges. Maybe that will change, everything else seems to. And I know I still have a ton of growth, emotions to process, etc. I'm just tired of it. I just want to live my life for a while. I am pouring myself into being a better dad, moving, started a new job, have car breakdowns, switching insurance/cell plans, and dealing with so many small things. I just want to enjoy my time when I have a few moments to myself.
But even though we had a bad M. Even though I've never felt so let down in my life and have lost respect and trust for her. I still wish this was a bad dream. I don't believe it anymore, I guess it just looks impossible to put these pieces together. We couldn't in our M when we were both trying. But I am trying to soldier on because I know I could debate those points logically.
Frankly I'm at the point I can't picture a M working at all. With anyone. I feel destined to be single, with possible bursts of six to twenty month superficial Rs that last until someone feels like they're sacrificing too much. I guess that means I'm a bit jaded. And that I have a lot of work left to do.
So until I can keep trudging on I'm trying to do damage control and cause as little destruction as possible so I don't backslide irreversibly.
God, I've done a lot of hard things in my life and usually eat difficult for breakfast. I didn't think I'd meet my match. I played a pool money match that lasted three and a half days and won on pure grit and drive. But I admit...ican be defeated and I'm pretty close. You can probably tell because this post is all over the map. Thanks for listening.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time but I know things will improve for you. This is just a period of looking deep within yourself, seeing some mistakes you made and flaws you have and figuring out what you can or want to do to change.
That is always difficult.
Add to that a strained and stressful relationship with someone and you have a recipe for depression and sadness, gloom and doom.
But know that all this introspection and even the negative feelings can lead to positive changes and a better life.
Maybe the old Zues would have a hard time creating a happy marriage in the future, but the new Zues will have great tools and insights to help him along!
"Additionally, I know that she only had this party jointly so she could show everyone else how well we were gettin along. She feeds on public approval and after her actions this summer she felt she lost a lot of people's respect. She was trying to pull off the perfect party to win it all back. This is NOT mind reading. She told me this directly on several occasions. The problem with this is that things AREN'T fine between us, and I resented the idea of having to bury my pain and play like everything's happy when I can't support her decisions."
I am having the exact same issue bud. Wife feels guilty about the D, so she wants to make it look like it was a mutual decision. She wants us to have Sunday "family" dinner together, go to church together, celebrate Christmas together, etc. it had nothing to do with possible reconciliation, it is all about her appearances. Cake eating. Maybe at some point I can act happy around her and resume DBing that way, but right now I am just limiting interaction so I can detach.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
STBX asks me to leave the house in June and says she's filing. She dragged her feet for over 4 months at which point I had to take action to get my own place to live. Part of that was drawing up a legal separation with no details (no money, schedules, assests, nothing) other than a date and shift of legal status. I told her that we could work out the details as we went forward. She didn't sign the acknowledgment when I brought it over, told me she'd review it and get back to me and never did. She asked me for estimates of what I'd be paying monthly and I told her my A said we needed the acknowledgment that she'd received the separation papers before she could advise that. I also told her that since she hadn't done that or gotten back to me my A advised me to have it officially served (one of STBX's objections was that she didn't think it was legal for me to hand her the paperwork).
I communicated this to my STBX and she replied saying that none of what was in the separation agreement was what we'd discussed, that she hadn't felt comfortable talking about it because it was so upsetting, that she wanted to avoid a confrontational legal battle but with it being served she had a limited time frame to reply so she had no choice, that she didn't want it to end up this way but that I started it by serving her documents and writing up stuff that was so different than what we'd originally discussed. And since she doesn't have a lawyer she might self represent.
I replied basically saying there seemed to be a misunderstanding, reiterated there was nothing in there that contained any details and that I wasn't sure what she was referring to. I offered to set up a time to have all of us (and any representation she wanted to involve) on the phone together. I mentioned it was hard to address any issues if the jump was made from an unvoiced concern to a legal battle.
I've tried to be objective, and to see things from her point of view. I get she doesn't have a lawyer, but that's hardly my responsibility. She's had 5 months to do something about that. I just can't believe she'd go from amicable to repeatedly mentioning legal battles so quickly, and without explaining why.
At this point I don't really care. From a legal standpoint I can't be hurt. I am asking less than any court would allow me. 25% parenting time, reasonable CS and alimony. She is self representing and I have an expensive A. I'm letting her have primary custody, the house, a fair payment, and pretty much everything we owned. And from an emotional standpoint, it's clear that as usual everything I do is completely wrong, stupid, insensitive, and unreasonable. That has been the story since before BD.
I'll continue to try avoid escalation and act in a way I'm proud of...for ME. I've resigned myself to the fact that things will likely get and remain ugly from the D to the rest of the road ahead. But again, once I've accepted that it can only get better. When you've got nothing you've got nothing to lose.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Some random thoughts tonight. Doing ok overall. Pretty detached. But just a hair bummed about the sitch.
-I'm out of state training for my new job. I will probably destroy it and become the #1 guy In the past I did it all for W. it was nice to know she was at home supporting me, proud of me. And I moved mountains every day to try to take care of her and give her the chance to raise the children as a SAHM which was what she always wanted. I just miss having someone in my corner, and someone that I can take care of and love.
-she's still shooting me emails about the paperwork which got served. I'm going to reply but am being pretty dark and brief in my responses. I don't want to start a war, but I also cannot take responsibility for her anymore.
-someone made a comment about 'be a good dad. Being a husband doesn't always last forever, but you'll always be a dad'. That irritated me. I get that kids are dependent and have no control over the situation so parenting is obviously critical. I just don't like the idea that a M is disposable. It makes me sad that society thinks this way and it is considered so acceptable to throw away a M.
-Not burning bridges but i dont miss my STBX. She has chosen to abandon the M and betray her vows, then replace me with alcohol and a series of flings and attention from guys at bars. I take responsibility for my actions and am not here to blame her for her decisions. I just don't know that I could ever feel close again to a woman that would make those choices. My actions are mine. Her actions are hers. Everyone has to draw a line of what they can accept. Oddly, I can Accept an affair, some pain, etc. I just don't know that I can accept partnerin with someone that could do this to me.
Not my choice and not something I have to decide today. Again, I am a long way off from being ready to be in ANY R again, be it STBX or anyone else. I just don't have much belief in M or trust in women right now. I've been in two serious Rs and am 2/2 for bein left and 2/2 for them having had an OM in the wings. I guess I just am tired of it. I've done my share, but I've never walked away no matter how tough things got, and I've never pursued other women no matter how neglected I've felt. As bad as my M was at times I thought there was value in at least the commitment so I honored that. I feel like I'm too idealistic and the world just doesn't work that way.
That's not what I really believe, just how I feel, proof I need more time to process. The good news is like I said, I'm feeling pretty detached and the pain feels pretty distant right now. I guess I am just lonely tonight so since I don't have anyone to say goodnight and I love you to tonight I thought Id post on here. Goodnight all. I love you.
Last edited by Zues126; 11/19/1404:50 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wort day I've had in a long, long time. Everything feels black. I am going back and forth between hurt an angry.
I'm not just angry at STBX. I'm angry that this is what we choose to do to each other. I know couples that have stayed together and seem to enjoy their M. My sister left a perfectly good M because she felt 'unfulfilled', then proceeded to get into a series of abusive Rs and is now single and too old to have the children she wanted. And she's the one who's now best friends wih my STBX giving her support. Oh, my mom left my dad and is now single 15 year later. Same story with my STBX's mom, divorced, single, and angry at men
I feel like shouting "What is wrong with you women?" None of them were physically abused. Of course they were all emotionally abused because that is the cry of all of these women when they're feelings get hurt. Yes, I'm diminishing. My STBX tore my heart out and I'm not saying she's 'emotionally abusive'.
Don't worry women, I'm just as mad at he men who walk out as well, just in my world it's always the woman and as I've mentioned I'm 2/2 for having my partner cheat and leave. My first gifriend of 5 years ended up wanting me back after I met my STBX, tried breaking us up, and finally killed herself a couple of years later. Seriously. What is wrong with this place???
I have serious work to do still. I am nowhere near the end of my grieving process for one thing. But honestly this doesn't feel like a process. It feels like ill be here forever. I think about the life I had, how she threw me out of my own home, permanently crippled my R with my kids by decimating my time with them...then I get to look forward to meeting another woman that promises she doesn't believe in divorce either until another 10 years go by and she realizes that she always wanted to be with someone with an accent and needs to leave, but don't worry, ILYB...I can DB and work on my changes from now until my death bed but it takes two to make an R work so I guess my life is like a scratch off to see if I outrun the odds.
Ok. Had to post that here. I will be meetif a friend to GAL soon and didn't want to spew at him. I guess I just have to trust ill feel different down the road. Honestly though I think I'll always feel about this subject like I feel about war, drunk driving, bullying at school, etc. I'll never like it, I'll just have to keep living and raisin my children even though it can all stink pretty bad.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It sounds like one of those down days. We all get them time to time.
And you are right, there is an epidemic of wives walking away. it's the new sport to try and find happiness, yet they rarely do.
Enjoy today, enjoy getting a life. Remember, you are still you no matter whether someone walks away or not.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Hi Zues, I hope you enjoy your GAL time tonight, sorry to hear you are having a down day. I am also in a dark place feeling like things are hopeless. I see happy couples and I find myself wondering if they are just hiding their unhappiness or having temporary good luck until one of them decides they are bored or dissatisfied.
This is just a down time but we will bounce back to a more positive place.
Not everyone is so frivolous, some people know that happiness takes work and won't just throw the baby out with the bathwater. At least I hope so.
