Wife has left and filed for divorce

[Wonka]

Restraining Order

[vertex]

Restraining order. When she left, my W filed an ex parte Order of Protection with the court claiming things that either happened long ago (yelling and screaming), exaggerations, or even what I believe are lies. The court automatically hands out these OPs because they want to be careful, even though the defendant has no chance to defend himself in front of a judge.

Three weeks later my W dropped the OP--which showed me she wasn't really serious about the allegations but used it as a tactic to automatically get the kids from me without any legal recourse on my end. Of course I'm mind-reading, but it's hard not to assume this when my W chose not to go in front of a judge to explain why she wanted the OP.

Anyways, her L chose to downgrade the OP to a mutual restraining order against both my W and me, so since 10/15/14 I have had zero contact with my wife in any way, shape, or form, except for FB.

And the boys are suffering for it.

[vertex]

Wonka, I'm still waiting to talk to my L about the RO. I was supposed to meet with her on Monday, but she had to postpone the appointment due to court. Then she had to push back Tuesday's appointment due to court again, so we're meeting tomorrow.

My W filed a bunch of motions for temporary child support/custody, temporary alimony, and a request for mediation. It may be time to start playing hardball--even though I'm scared to do so since one thing my W has told my MIL that she's been impressed with is my not being spiteful during this legal process. However, it may also be time to fight for fair custody as I don't want a one-sided temporary parenting plan to become the status quo.

I'm still hoping and praying that my W will choose a legal separation instead of a D. If any of you pray, please pray for that! Thank you.

[nit84]

Will Do and thanks for the clarification.

Vertex, My never filed a RO against me but, constantly to me and probably her friends and family, kept saying she is afraid of me She stopped saying this once I moved back to the M home because there was no basis for it.

It did keep me at an arm length though and it hurt very much to think my W thought I may harm her. Years back she pushed me and I pushed back during a Drunken(both)argument(I shouldn't have but did)

That, she told me, was the basis of her fear. I flat out told her if that is the way she felt then maybe she should get a RO against me. She hasn't as of yet and it has been 18 months.

[vertex]

My grandpa in California is dying and my W e-mailed me this morning from her dad's e-mail account (breaking the mutual RO in the process):

"H,



I am very sorry to hear that Grandpa is nearing the end. I hate that he has been in such terrible pain recently and I think this might be a relief for him. Although incredibly painful for all of us who love him.




I don't know what condition he is in but dad says they are going to take him off of dialysis. If he is still coherent I feel strongly that you should go say goodbye in person.




And if you talk to him, please tell him how special he is to me and how much I truly love him and have valued him as part of our sons' heritage.

And don't let your shyness or embarrassment keep you from talking to him and telling him you love him and what he has meant to you. I would hate for you to have any regrets like you did with Boppa.




Prayers for grandpa, you and all the family,

W




Philippians 1:20b-23

but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;"

Do I respond? How should I respond? What does this mean?

Remember, this is her first contact with me since 8 weeks ago. And we have a mutual RO against each other (not my choice).

[Little]

Don't respond. Do what you need to do.

[Wonka]

Vertex,

I do not agree with Little. This is a VERY GOOD time to respond to W. Keep your response brief. There is a time to respond and a time not respond to emails. W's email was heartfelt and genuine. You don't have to be cold.

How about this script (you can change any of it to fit you best):

W,

I appreciate you reaching out. It was very thoughtful of you to do this. I will certainly pass your message on to Grandpa.

Thank you for your prayers. It means a lot to me and the family.

Warmly,
H

[Wonka]

I wanted to circle back to explain why I think it is important for Vertex to respond to W's email.

1) It is courteous and respectful to acknowledge her heartfelt message
2) W's wall has come down a bit to reach out to Vertex
3) One needs to take this situation on context: mutual RO which has prevented them from communicating. Zero communication means zero connection.

Vertex, send out the simple response and then let it go. Don't try to reach out again or prolong it. You have been doing really well respecting W's space and her desire for no contact.

Keep your expectations at zero or at least low.

[HPoirot]

I wanted to circle back to explain why I think it is important for Vertex to respond to W's email.

1) It is courteous and respectful to acknowledge her heartfelt message
2) W's wall has come down a bit to reach out to Vertex
3) One needs to take this situation on context: mutual RO which has prevented them from communicating. Zero communication means zero connection.

Vertex, send out the simple response and then let it go. Don't try to reach out again or prolong it. You have been doing really well respecting W's space and her desire for no contact.

Keep your expectations at zero or at least low.

Thank you Wonka for this reply and vertex for posting your issue. I have been ignoring all communication from my W and I see how that can be a mistake. I note that most of her texts are just to get me to respond... but she does very rarely leave a VM or email where she admits her feelings. Even if the message is not what I care to hear... I should still respond with a "Thank you for sharing. Very thoughtful of you" message. I can still be courteous and respectful while I move away from her.

[jp787]

Vertex,

I am reading your post and will comment soon.

I see a lot of myself in you.