ok where do I begin. my W A began around June 2014, I became aware very early on things were not right, At the time we had a lot going on house renorvations, 3 small children D5 D4 S2, I assumed everything was going ok, been married 7 years together 13. Complete honesty in all that time. Was totally blindsided by A , did the usual weight loss, followed by snooping and begging,have probably made things a lot worse for myself but did not know any better. The whole time W has been asking for space and I have given none. Only in the last week have I been giving W space and applying DB techniques, I have ordered the DB book and hope I can save my marriage, The D word had only been mentioned by me up until last week but now my W has dropped it on me Just last week saying this is not what she wants anymore meaning the marriage and family life?. My reaction was to give space and have been applying subtle 180s, things appear to be working but as I am still waiting for my book Im just feeling around in the dark at this point and desperately need some advise, so as not to make things worse, The things I need answers for are like should I wear my wedding ring during this time, do I continue to be intimate with my wife or just turn it off, I have backed of the needy parts cause im quite certain things are still going on with the OM and the A. I know I have time to make things right cause we could not even start divorce procedings until our house was completely renovated and paperwork filled we have continued to work together on the renos and she does shows some interest which makes me believe she does want thinks to work out. saying this she is still very much in limbo, I have made it clear that I am 100% commited to working on my marriage and have always put my family first, She seems to be in the A fog at this time and some of her ideas about our future sound very selfish and unrealistic, not sure if this is just a tactic to try and justify the A and the feelings that she has had for the OM. At present I have stopped with most of the snooping because I have finally realised, it does not help me or my cause in any way. Up until now we have had 3 joint marriage counciling sessions , the next one is due Wednesday but I know she is shying away from it and would like to cancel it, what do I do?? go by myself?? why I do feel this last week has been one of the hardest, I have had days when I feel good about the future regardless of the outcome, again I know the marriage will not work if we are both not on the same page. During the last 5 months my wife has never talked as if she wanted a D , I feel this situation may have changed.Possibly due to some of our actions. I'm sure W is very confused as am I. At present we are sleeping at separate addresses and alternating the kids. I know my W A has been both sexual and emotional during the A. She told me one day that she finds the A exciting and as a release to let go of the pressures in her life.. eg our 2 year old is very demanding, she has broken down a few times the first was when I pressured her into admitting the A and she did show a lot of remorse and tried to work on the marriage, only to fall in to the same habits. She has given me the ILYBINILWY speech early on. During the last week she has said she missed talking to me as I have applied some of the DB techniques eg not sending unnecessary messages and making unnecessary phone calls, of course I have to see her every day as the children are young and I want to be there for them and . At present very confused Help!
Strauss, make this decision now- are you 'ok' with waiting for your W's A to slowly die on its own? If so- GAL, give her space, no R talk, work on things only you can control (yourself). If not- you have to take a more aggressive approach with the understanding that it possibly could lead to D (while still GALing and working on you). It's a personal choice, neither one is right or wrong.
The longer you wait to make this decision, the harder it is to stick to the course of action. Once you make this decision, you'll find some great people on here willing to give you advice and feedback.
Yes I want my marriage work... I know that ....but yes I also know this path requires the A to die. I am still connecting with my waw . And lies and deceit are the hardest part to deal with, it's funny how I am now able to just disconnect now, I'm sure it's my subconcience turning off to prevent me from getting hurt. I have started following the DB rules a lot more closely and know I can't take it personally. I saw the om wrote something about going to the movies this weekend, to which my wife had replied something along the lines of yes, I guess I will have the kids???. I mentioned to her that maybe we could see a flick at the weekend and get some dinner,really I asked just to see what she would say. She didn't rule it out but she wasn't jumping all over it either, think it confused her a bit. She is definetly in a fog. Where has my W gone?
Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. A DB Coach can also help you navigate the situation with the OM & her fog. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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