Agreed. I was speaking from a spiritual standpoint but I completely agree.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So, I thought I'd add some notes from my last DB Coaching session
Divorce Busting Post-Divorce Some initial thoughts about the WAS:
[*]All her momentum/energy is geared toward getting out of the marriage [*]She has certainty now, or at least is displaying it 100% of the time [*]Watch her carefully on the day of the divorce - try to appear confident and prepared [*]She wants her own life without being tied to shared memories [*]Some people must go down this road to determine what they want/need/consider truly important [*]She is creating her own identity
DB coach asked if any of my words hit home when A was exposed, especially my willingness to put it behind us. I said, I don't know, maybe. W certainly was emphatic about not changing her course. She expressed shame and remorse...but, you know the drill.
DB coach asked me to be supportive and kind to her support structures, and to make an effort to compliment her on her choices if it makes sense.
If W was to rethink her position down the road, what would that look like? What would be some signs of change? My responses:
1) She would show an interest in my personal life outside the children, unprompted 2) She would ask for time alone with me w/o the children present 3) I should expect no change whatsoever for 6-12 months.
How do I love her? By respecting her choices and setting boundaries for myself.
Other tips: 1) Keep your eyes and ears open, but don't read into anything you hear too much. Look for repeated signs that the wind is changing. 2) Be understanding/caring. But recognize that this is a balancing act. 3) Be businesslike and civil - especially early on 4) Build an independent life 5) "Act as if" I have accepted her decision 6) Set Goals (Complete Sprint Triathlon in March, Climb Long's Peak in August)
Boundaries: 1) I will take any time offered to be with my children, UNLESS I have plans already made that are firm. I will not be her backup option all the time. And I won't always be "trading" time. Why would she think I've moved forward? 1) Do mental homework to recreate/recall our reconnection in 1999. 2) Create mystery 3) Show "new" traits without being obvious 4) Change some habits - just pick a few and do it! (PTA involvement is my first thought) 5) Brainstorm ways to let her think I'm not always available
All of the above were stated laughingly with a "Not dating" sub-clause. I won't use another person tactically. Ever. (Even if she's in on the gag.)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shaks, I'm obviously not a vet, so there are a lot of things I don't understand. Are you saying that your coach told you not to date after your divorce?
Question: If you met someone amazing after the divorce, what would you do? Keep waiting? I'm just curious what the professionals advise.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
3) I should expect no change whatsoever for 6-12 months.
Hey Shakespr,
Was this you or the DB coach talking? Its funny- I'm mentally prepared for very little improvement in the next few months - and my coach seems more impatient.
Ahoy: The coach asked me...how would I be going about my life? I said that I would be standing and working on myself. That I still want a shot at reconciling this marriage. She said, if that's the case, your intention not to date is a good one, as it would be dishonest.
I don't care how amazing a new person might be. I'm taking the long view of this. I want my marriage - a new, better, more amazing marriage - to my wife. My children should live under one roof.
raliced: I think, both, but mainly me. She's in an EA, it'll most likely get physical as soon as she recovers from surgery (the day after D, mind you) - and it's going to need that long to flame out if it will. Heck, I don't know, maybe it already has if she has had an awakening. It's not like I'm still snooping. But she is very protective of her phone. Also, a separation is very different from a divorce. The D is a bigger cleaving. Finally, my W is stubborn. Read my very first post. That woman has been through things that would ruin many people. She's still standing - mostly because of a dogged determination to keep going.
All this to say...I kinda blew it tonight from a DB perspective. After working through some kid stuff, (teacher probs, math concerns), we got into a disagreement about school pictures of all things (I was perplexed by what she was telling me about payment, she interpreted it as me questioning/disbelieving her.) That turned into a disagreement about how she had responded to SS15 regarding his homeschool work. I retreated, tried to separate myself from the situation. It devolved into her favorite ad hominem "You never listen to me. You think I am stupid. Even when I'm right." I said, "please, please, leave the room. I don't want to argue and you are backing me into a corner." I never raised my voice once. She just stood there. I said, "Very well, then, I will go." All this right before church. I grabbed my Bible, my kids, and left.
Later, when we came home, we got the kids down, and I pursued a bit. It wasn't a bad discussion, really. She agreed that we both are on edge, that she is stressed to the max with new job and moving prep without any help (while looking at me accusingly. I said nothing.) She said, basically, that any comments result in bad feelings, that she is cranky and my 3-day cycle of amicable, followed by quiet, followed by angry body language was understandable, but wearing on her. I argued at first a bit about this, but ultimately agreed (I hate that I have deluded myself into thinking I have let go.) She said she can't get all her stuff out in one weekend, and was scared that I would get bitter and make things hard for her to do so in the future.
I said, "Melanie, I am not the man I once was. I still love you. You don't love me. I understand that. But since all I want is a chance...someday...the last thing that I would ever do is intentionally make your life harder than it already is. You are welcome to get whatever you need...I won't start rearranging or packing things away until after Christmas."
She said things change. And this is where I blew it. "I have forgiven you, and continue to forgive you, every day for this. Even the revelations of a few weeks ago. I don't want to harbor any resentment. I also realize that my words don't really matter - you will need to see consistent behavior over time to believe me. There's only one thing that will change my approach to this. That's if you expose my children to another man in anything less than a year."
She started to say something, then cut herself off. She said "It's nothing." And I blew it again. "Melanie, I have been open and honest with you about every bit of this since day 1. Please, tell me what you were about to say." She shook her head. "It's nothing." I said, "No, it wasn't nothing. Please stop lying. What in the world has happened to you? Who are you?"
She told me good night in a huff.
I basically gave her an approved timeline to show off her A partner to my kids.
I am not smart.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
A LOT can happen in a year. Don't sweat it. You have your own self to worry about.
I'm sorry things are hard right now. I agree that a divorce is really different from a separation. It staggers me how quickly that can happen in some places. It's a huge decision, it should take longer.
Wishing you the best, Shakes. Your thread's about to lock... What would be a great upbeat title for the next one? Maybe a line from one of the sonnets.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You're anything but dumb, Shake. If anything, you're human. Let it roll off your back. You're not a robot and you are doing a great job. We're all due a few mistakes.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
