My wife of 6 years and partner of 13 mother of our 3 children asked for a divorce on 08/03/14. We were on a rocky point in our relationship with jealousy and she had just started a new job on the over night which was seriously causing her stress and cutting into her ability to interact with the kids. We have opened out marriage to a friend and he offers her more than I do. He is my best friend and offers the most emotional support to me for the next two months before I start seeing a therapist. He says he is more than willing to go back to dating us and not just her if she and I can reconcile. She was burnt out she said she loved me and cared for me but romantically it was dead. I clung, I cried, I showed her things I had been doing to change. She agreed that all of those things were great and she appreciated it but it wasnt doing anything for her. It was the saddest, civilest divorce asking I could think of. We spent a good portion of the day holding hands and crying(mostly me) and talking. But she wants to be friends. She wants us to be family. She wants to still do all of the birthdays and holidays and everything together. She just doesnt want to try on our marriage anymore. The last 7 weeks have been a emotional roller coaster as we figure out boundaries, break them, re-establish them and fumble. I have panic attacks at work and go home to her and try to keep a happy face on. She's there every day to get the kids off the bus and stays until they get ready for bed. We go hiking and pick apples with the kids and to any outsider would seem to be a normal family. But then she leaves every night. She wants to talk and be friendly, sometimes accepts the light flirtatious comment and other times comes down hard on them.
I have been reading DB and DR and somedays its helps and others I flounder because there is nothing I've read in these books or any other lkike my situation.
Last week we talked about how she wants to buy a house again someday so I have to refinance and get her name of the mortgage. I got quieter and quieter until she asked me "Whats wrong? Are you ok?" She's done this before and it shows such a disconnect. I couldn't stay quiet. I took the kids inside and came back ou to her car and asked her if she understood how rediculous that question was in light of everything going on. "Oh.....Yeah." was my response. I told her "I don't want a divorce. I want to be married to you, grow old with you, but I know you have been very unhappy in our marriage sometimes." That got her started on talking about her fears in coming back. Woo! No promises no saying she was but we talked about that for the first time. I'm told that this was a very good conversation according to her. A few days go by of nothing which is difficult. Then on Friday I surprise her at work with Dinner and her coat because I know she isnt always bringing food and its cold at night now but she doesnt think to bring it if its warm when she leaves for work. She was exstatic that I did this. No strings just taking care of her and loving. Then she talked to a friend and said she felt warm feelings for me for the first time in quite a while. but then over the span of the conversation talked herself out of them. That hurts but I have to expect that shes going to retreat from anything like that at first right? our Saturday plans get cancelled. Sunday we take the kids apple picking and we take family pictures on the hay ride and keep up the illusion. Then on the way home she realizes her wallet is missing. It fell out during the hay ride and someone steals $700 off of her cards. Panicked angry determination as we call card companies and get everything shut down and reordered. She and I talk and she says she knows it was mostly her issues and inability to let go of hurts years old that has caused this. But she is unwilling to risk her two month relationship with our friend to come back to me. I dont want her to. She says she doesnt know that he wants to. I'm blown out of the water again but keep a straight face. "He said he was not two weeks ago" I say. "He's going through a lot emotionally with his ex and now I dont know." she says. Yesterday back to the regular scheduled program. Today we are supposed to make pies with the kids from the apples we picked. I see signs that shes softening as I'm trying to stick to DR and only talk about things when she initiates it but I'm panicing now that he will say he can't handle it and she will pick him. I told him Sunday in private that I love him and that I don't want to loose him if she and I can reconcile and he said thank you he appreciated that a lot. What a mess.
Me 30 W 27 Her SO My BF 35 Three Kids 8,6,1 1/2
BD 08/03/2014 S 08/03/2014 D Unknown? She wont talk about it.
Sorry you find yourself here. Can you please provide additional information (also put in your signature)so the vets can get a better understanding (ages of everyone, BD, EA/PA, and such).
Also, did you say your best friend is the one seeing her?!?
Me 34 W 30 T 13 M 8 BD 7/27/14 EA Confirmed 8/6/14 S 8/2/14 D Imminent
I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Ok in my signature as well thanks. Me 30 W 27 My best friend her boyfriend 35 3 kids S 8 D 6 S 1 1/2 BD 08/03/2014 S kinda 08/03/2014 D Unknown
Ok so yes there is another man in the picture. About a month and a half before she dropped the bomb we mutually agreed to open our relationship to my best friend who is very close to us and our kids. i thought our relationship was in a good stable place for this to happen.
This caused a lot of upheaval and jealousy for me though as their honeymoon period was wild and crazy romantic and I started feeling very insecure. I clung and got needy and demanded a lot very fast and on top of the job change and going from a full time mom to working overnights and seeing the kids very little her stress levels went through the roof. Bomb drop.
We have some bad history from years ago pre-marriage that she has never forgiven me for only "forgotten" and it all came back hard. But she doesn't want to lose me she says. "We are great friends, and perfect parents that doesnt need to change." I'm trying God I'm trying because I see this as my in to DB. She wants to be around and do stuff and we can have happy days doing things with the family and chatting via text when she's at work. But keeping my heartbroken emotions in check and not trying to convince her to try again is so hard especially when she talks about something and it lets me talk about the relationship or lack thereof.
She talks about buying a house and what I have to do financially to allow that and she gives me child support and talks about that but the one time I talked about a no fault divorce agreement she clammed up and wouldnt talk about it other than to say oh thats good.
She says things like she loves me and cares for me but can't try on the marriage anymore. She tells mutual friends that she just doesnt have romantic feelings for me. She can still see us old together but not now or in 4-5 years. (day of BD) Or if we ever could reconcile it would have to be by starting at dating and work our way back up to being married. ( a few weeks post BD)
Me 30 W 27 Her SO My BF 35 Three Kids 8,6,1 1/2
BD 08/03/2014 S 08/03/2014 D Unknown? She wont talk about it.
I need help here folks. She responds favorably to friendliness and calm and at least initially to a very positive romantic gesture according to her. She then regularly withdraws when I'm assuming she realizes she was more than passingly firendly in her repsonse to something. We have talked seriously about how I dont want a divorce twice the first being a "very good conversation" according to her. The second was at a high stress time probably not the best time but I think happy(?) about that my love is no strings attached but still quite strong in her stance of not working on our marraige. When I withraw and try to make space emotionally for myself she is less likely to chat and I think it reminds her of our troubled dating times when we were kids. She does not deal well with people leaving. I don't know what to do and need advice folks.
Me 30 W 27 Her SO My BF 35 Three Kids 8,6,1 1/2
BD 08/03/2014 S 08/03/2014 D Unknown? She wont talk about it.
Her wanting to be friends is a good thing... work with it, (be friends & family) but I think it's best to drop the flirting or anything romantic. It only makes you look weak and pathetic, and pushes her away because she's not feeling it for you right now. Doesn't mean this can't change, but you have to be calm, cool and confident. Not easy right now I know, but you can do it. Do fun/fulfilling things for yourself.
Definitely no more relationship talks for now. You need time for her perception to change... you don't want to force a decision right now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My biggest issue is handling the anxiety and fear caused by the rollercoastering. One minute she tells me she can't work on our marriage and doesn't know that we can try again because of OM. The next she is talking about how she wants to do a family picture session like we did a few years ago before S1 1/2, how the day was great and it was good to see me.
Me 30 W 27 Her SO My BF 35 Three Kids 8,6,1 1/2
BD 08/03/2014 S 08/03/2014 D Unknown? She wont talk about it.
One of her complaints at BD was that we didn't talk or do things together just us. Everything here says don't be romantic (with no expectations) but she usually responds very positively to these things or at least at first. It causes her to doubt her choice and have to consider that she does still have romantic feelings for me even if they are buried pretty far down right now. Then she backpedals when she is afraid how it will affect her relationship with OM. She doesnt want to risk losing him or having to choose between us. As far as I'm concerned she doesnt have to. I was using the example of Steve (?) in the putting it together chapter from DR as my guide but everything here seems to be the opposite.
Last edited by joli83; 09/24/1401:24 PM.
Me 30 W 27 Her SO My BF 35 Three Kids 8,6,1 1/2
BD 08/03/2014 S 08/03/2014 D Unknown? She wont talk about it.
Hey joli, I'm sorry you're going thru this. Our situations are similar in that our kids are the same ages. And I have plenty of suspicions of what role PPD or hormone stuff is playing in mine.
How are your kids handling this? How are you handling the kids? How is W with the kids?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
