I dont know how to write this.. I have written it like 6 times already and keep deleting.
So H and I have been S for 7 months. We have come to a place where we are communicating better and its friendly when we have drop off and pick up. There has been talk of catching up for lunch but no follow through as yet.
H has now told me how much intimacy was a problem in our marriage and he's right. I was wanting more love and communication for there to be more intimacy and he was waiting for more intimacy to give more love and communication.
Anyway my 180 on this would be to give him the intimacy without what I wanted happening first.
My H has now said that he is willing to fill my "needs" but only on a physical level and that this is not a way to get back together.
So he is willing to be intimate which I think is MASSIVE!
From everything he has said, I do think that this could be what brings us back together because he told me in the same conversation where he said we could be intimate that intimacy bonds people together.
I know he said that this is purely a physical thing but should I just ignore that because it could just be a defence to protect himself? He talks about us not getting back together often, whenever we move forward in something, he quickly reminds me. Other times he says things like "if we do get back together" this and that will happen or "if you do come back then things will be hard for you"
Sounds to me that he has had thoughts about getting back together but he still has a lot of hurt and anger. So perhaps the intimacy will be helpful to give us that closeness we need to deal with the hurt?
If he specifically said it would just be a booty call then I would believe him on that. Men are capable of compartmentalizing sex and you don't want to get stuck in the wrong cubby.
It sounds like what you've been doing is working. Why don't you write more about your situation and see what other ideas people can come up with to help you out?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It would be my booty call then, he's not asking me to fill his need, he said he will fill my need when I need it.
I dont think he would ask me to fill that for him right now because he's way too prideful to ask. He's spent 7 months pushing me away but the past few months there has been some progress.
He's said a fair bit about the lack of intimacy in our marriage so Im hoping that this will bring us closer together eventually. Perhaps he will be able to compartmentalize to begin with but surely if this is what he was wanting to feel close to me, then wouldnt this eventually bring closeness?
In the beginning of our relationship, intimacy was never an issue but as life went on and hurts came in, I wanted other forms of intimacy first. I think it was really a lack of understanding relationships for both of us. Since separating, I have learnt a great deal and seen where I went wrong and this was a major area.
I guess I want to know if this is a good idea going forward in our reconciliation, even though H isn't seeing it in that way right now?
Im honestly just excited to be in the same room as him. I would have rather been talking or having lunch but again, Im trying to do 180's and this would be a big one for me.
In the beginning he hated me, was divorcing me, wouldnt speak to me and demanded everything and anything. There was no please, thank you or sorry. No concern for my feelings at all.
More recently there has been manners, more texting, offering to buy me a house, saying that we can stay married and live separate, some talk of "IF we get back together" and now he has offered to meet my physical needs.
I think we're moving in the right direction but shhhh dont tell him that lol
I just read your other thread. In your first post, you mentioned that you suspected he was in an R with someone else. If so, then I would not have sex with him.
However, if he's not seeing someone else, then I would consider it for the same reasons you mention. (In fact, I am maintaining a sexual R with my H for many of the same reasons.)
You have to be careful though. He is telling you not to have any expectations. While that may simply be a protective statement on his part, I would not get too wrapped up in the idea that sex = reconciliation, for your own emotional well-being and for the sake of the R.
MWD has an article about this very topic. I couldn't find it on the website or I would have linked to it here. But if you search the forums, you will find it. (I think that's how I stumbled upon it a few months ago.)
Hmm, that comment about staying married but living separate combined with the fact that he's looking for his physical needs to be met raises my eyebrow. I'll leave it to the vets to provide better advice than I can, but from a guy's point of view- if he's getting his needs met while being S, it sounds like cake eating to me.
