No one but his mistress, alcohol, will be enough for him. He may get girlfriends who enable his drinking but they will have no emotional connection other than that because he can't create those kinds of connections.
He may decide at some point that he's ready to change but this has nothing to do with you.
Do you attend AlAnon? (you may have answered this already, I've just skimmed your thread time-to-time.)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I wasn't in your home or a witness to your marriage. I can only go by what you write here, and my personal experience as the daughter of an alcoholic, and as a DBer.
Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
Hello...my father never drank. We did not have alcohol in the house. He may have been a "workaholic". He provided well for his family and spent a lot of time with us during the winters when his work slowed.
I get it...I truly do...he wants out!! I know. I get it and it is clear. I gave him what he wanted. The kids and I moved out and D is in process.
Just for the record...we did go to 3 intense marriage sessions in the 4 years he was home. Pretty sure similar to Retroville. IF it were similar to Retrovaille and it didn't work or last, then that's that. I mean, what else can one say?
Anyway, it just hurts and I am honestly just looking for someone to tell me its not my fault. I was a good wife and a great mom. I worked, kept the house always had a hot meal waiting, etc etc Just like many other women.
I don't know what you were like as a wife. I DO know it's not your fault and that you accepted him back into the marriage when a lot of women would not. You sound like a great mom and a good housekeeper as well. You made sure the needs you could fill, were filled.
That's about as good as we can be, isn't it? And yes, for most people it would be enough. And it might have been enough for your h as well. But he's also a problem drinker and not always very honest or honorable with you...
Regardless of the reason, that's just true.
It is in my head that if I wasn't enough for HIM I will never be enough for another man if there were ever to be one. Like there is something wrong with me.
Seek professional help for that mistaken belief. You can't get assurance from strangers, that will effectively help you, until you choose to believe good things about yourself. The symptoms of thinking it's a reflection on you are exactly what I described in how I felt about myself and my dad's drinking.
But as I asked you, do you think your KIDS should feel responsible or at fault for your h's drinking? I will assume that you do NOT believe or want them to believe that they played a role in his bad choices.....so why not apply that same rationale to yourself?
In my head I know I deserve better but my heart isn't there. Where the head goes, the heart will follow...in time, if you let it.
I still love him. And If you knew him you would be as shocked as the rest of us. He seemed like a different man the first few years he was back but yes, he back slid. Quit doing the work. I'm sorry that's what he chose to do. But again, it was HIS choice and his alone.
So now, back to YOU...
Anyway, it is embarrassing to type some of this. I sound pathetic. Some days are better. But, really I do know life is too short and I want to enjoy it with my kids and friends and not wonder about the crap anymore. Now you're free of that. In time you'll feel better, and of that, I'm sure.
Where he is who is he with. I do want to know he will be miserable though.
Anyway, off to church we go
I can't promise you that he'll be miserable and or that he'd let you know if he was.
But his happiness/misery are NOT indices for yours. They are not barometers and you must stop that scorecard business.
You want to compete and measure his misery b/c only then will you feel that he made a mistake....but that's not coming from a place of love. It's all ego.
Why not make yourself happy and let that be your "revenge", you know the adage, "the best revenge is a life well lived"...
he has nothing to do with your happiness. You are in charge of it. Pay no attention to his life or claims of misery or happiness. Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll be happier if he's miserable anyhow.
B/c if he is miserable and tells you so, BUT does Not then come back, I think you'll feel worse! And if he is happier later on, you'll also feel bad. So either way you simply cannot make your happiness about him. Too much of a "lose lose" scenario there. Seriously. Let's talk about what YOU are going to do to make this coming week a good memory for you and yours.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We are starting our own traditions this year...in our new house! Which we love.
The kids are almost settled into their new rooms. Each got to buy a new bedspread and few new things to make it their own. I hoped it would help with the transition.
I do plan to live a life well lived. I am just having a few hard days and wanted to reconnect with you 25years...
I was a great wife and mom...I did all I could to provide and healthy happy home while he worked his long hours to provide for us. I wasn't perfect but I sure learned a lot about myself the last time he left cause I did the work on myself. I will be fine. So will my kids....honestly, I would rather be alone than have to second guess someones faithfulness and honesty. So, here I am. I have just been hit this second time and I feel like I have taken another blow to the heart. But it will heal.
I would NEVER want my kids to think it was their fault. I KNOW it was nothing to do with them and I remind them of that.
My daughter knows it is more peaceful here , no chaos they see that. My other son and has severe special needs and is just very confused about everything.
I saw H today ...I went to the house to get a few things didn't think he was there.
Of course, after talking some he starts crying and then said I never wanted a D. So I asked why didn't you fight for us? I never got an answer. So as hes crying I am packing and he finally says in anger.."you f'ing moved out and left me-now you get what you wanted"
I did tell him "no you rarely came home and I deserved a faithful and honest husband"
OH I forgot...he asked if he and I could take the kids to a movie tonight. I said, No, that's not how divorce works. You can take them. He never called
OH I forgot...he asked if he and I could take the kids to a movie tonight. I said, No, that's not how divorce works. You can take them. He never called
Wow, at this moment (I might feel differently later) I think you handled that well.
I suppose you can just say "you can take them" next time and leave out the rest but damn, you're human.
I cannot believe he'd try the tears routine AGAIN.#%#%)!~~~!!! Does he have amnesia OR does he think you do? Good grief. Okay, yeah, I am literally shaking my head...
So back to YOU...Any GAL plans?
I hammer the GAL b/c I swear to you, it works. You can't really detach without GAL so, please do GAL.
I'm glad you are creating a new tradition for your family. GOOD FOR YOU.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25years...hahaha....I know the tears...I swear that is all he did was cry last time!!
Do you know that today is the anniversary of him coming home 4 years ago?! After living with OW for 8 months! Crazy making...
One thing I do think about ...random thought..the three times this has happened it happens the same time almost to the date. Is that weird? It is like it is something about this time of year.
Anyway, back to us...had a great day with my kids....we are all just winding down for the evening.
One thing I do think about ...random thought..the three times this has happened it happens the same time almost to the date. Is that weird? It is like it is something about this time of year.
That's very interesting. I have noticed the same thing about my situation too. The timing and all.
Hope you enjoyed lots of good food!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I stopped at the marital to home to get a few things. Computer was there so I checked the history. H has been taking quizzes on bi polar. One was "am I bi polar" "bi polar and poor choices..is this you" Interesting I thought.
H continues with the anger at me. Very stoned faced. Rarely sees the children. Here we go again.
It is confirmed he is with the same OW as before. In my heart I knew but still hard to hear. It just baffles me at how "unhappy" and "miserable" he was last time living/being with her but now hes on his way to do that again. Did he forget? What is going on in his brain?
I think my WAW is bi polar too. Her mom is, her sister is, her aunt is and so it her Uncle. But her, noooooooo. When I bring it up she gets really mad at me. But she has the classic symptoms and the family history. I can only do so much and at the end of the day, it's their issue to resolve or not.
