Ahoy, I'm glad my tag line helped. It helps a lot... When I remember to use it.
Labug, yes, his drinking is a problem for me, though I tend to second-guess myself because I come from a family where drinking was seen as a stupid waste of money and a sign of moral weakness, whereas H comes from a place where it was a thing to do in itself. Where is reasonable? I don't know but the question causes me anxiety.
I've reduced my contact with him and the space is helpful. There is a major kid event on Saturday that will mean I have to be around him, or at least in his vicinity and possibly a celebration lunch, but this space is helpful for getting me in a place where I can handle that.
He has said a couple of things in the last few days that I would have jumped all over earlier this week, about how he can't wait to get home, am I doing ok, etc. they are just rolling off my back. And today I feel happy. There are so many things in my life that are good, or exciting. I have so much potential in front of me. If everything were perfect I wouldn't know how blessed I am.
Last edited by Maybell; 09/09/1402:18 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Labug, I've been hearing Brene Brown from you and also from a real life friend who has been going through a lot the last few years. I guess the universe has to whack me pretty hard to get my attention. I'm hitting the library in a couple of days, I'll put her and Pema Chodron on my list.
One thing, though... Growing up, you learn a certain kind of reasonable from your family. When you have a family like mine, with parents who are extremely insular, suspicious, and rigid, you find yourself emerging into adulthood and learning that the world is very, very different than you were taught. Since late high school, I've been on a program of trying to figure out what I learned that is valuable, and what needs to be discarded. I married fairly young, so in many ways I swapped my FOO normal for my in-laws' normal... And theirs doesn't work for me either. So it's true that I don't entirely trust my own judgment because I'm not yet sure what is mine. But I'm working on it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Growing up, I thought my normal was pretty good! Then I met H and he came to family things with me and his reaction was, "Whoa! This group totally cuts everyone down ALL THE TIME!" And it's true. Holy cats. My normal not so nice or normal.
H's family, which is very supportive *of the family*, has its own knee-deepness of crazy. MIL would say to me, "Don't hold your crying babies! You'll spoil them!" and was awesome at really crapping on the toddler boy when he was little. Different family, different crazy.
Really really would love to break the cycle and raise two well adjusted kids. Whoops.
I saw a mug a few years ago that said "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
One of my mentor moms said her goal was to raise her daughters well enough that they could pay for their own therapy.
My goal is to raise my kids to have communications skills that give them at least a fighting chance of having great relationships with everyone they encounter.
I love "holy cats." I think I'm going to adopt it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Last night I got a text at 1:30am from H saying he hoped he didn't wake me but he was sending his flight information. And he hoped everything was OK at home.
Why couldn't he have sent that as an email? Is he wanting to disturb me? Or is he just that inconsiderate?
So he gets home this afternoon and so far as I know there is no plan for him to see the kids till he takes them for the weekend on Friday.
As D11 left for school this morning I said "I love you" and she said "Meh." That's been her thing this week and as much as I know it's in the nature of a kid that age to be unkind to her family, I'm getting pretty sick of it. She knows she's hurting me and she's doing it on purpose. Her character is in many ways like my H's and it makes it VERY DIFFICULT to cope with her sometimes.
This morning was rough and I'm feeling angry again that he decided to just dump our life on me and bolt, even though he wouldn't have dealt with one single one of the things that was a problem today, or been in any way a support to me when I dealt with it. So I'm torn between wondering why I would even consider wanting him back and feeling exasperated that he's left this all to me and off living his selfish little life in his selfish little bachelor pad and sending me bleeping texts at 1:30 in the morning.
It's getting harder to read other people's stories that include any kind of cheerfulness or friendliness with the WAS. I want that... and also I am so angry with him for choosing this stupid selfish route that I have no desire at all to attract him back. IC is one of the things on my list for today so I suppose everything I've been able to turn away from is floating to the surface in anticipation of that.
I'm trying to step back to heal. I've done a better job of not spinning out of control, especially during the night, and H is no longer my first thought in the morning. I'm sleeping better and I actually ran yesterday, which was great. For today, I'd like to rediscover my PMA and my sense of humor and get more job searching done.
God help me, how am I supposed to do all this when I have a full time job as well as everything else I'm responsible for? Where am I supposed to find the patience for all the curve balls and behavior? I don't even know how I would ask him for help because he's so unavailable.
Some people have said that resentment is when we are angry at someone for not meeting needs we decline to meet ourselves, but seriously... I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.
I wish I hadn't heard from him. I was doing so well.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sheesh, I remember being where you are right now. It's unpleasant, at best.
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Why couldn't he have sent that as an email? Is he wanting to disturb me? Or is he just that inconsiderate?
Well, as someone whose kid is on the east coast and I'm here, I have this dynamic sometimes. I either turn my phone on silent when it's up in my room or I keep it down in the kitchen when I sleep. I get the texts when I come down. They send the texts because they don't want to wake you by calling. So kinda rethink that one and give him the benefit of the doubt?
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So he gets home this afternoon and so far as I know there is no plan for him to see the kids till he takes them for the weekend on Friday.
Maybell, I'm not swinging a 2x4 but I need to tell you that you absolutely *have* to find a way to engage him so that he owns up to his responsibility. Get a parenting plan! Until you get one that is legally recognized, you need to tell him that he has to step up to the plate when he's home. And hold him to it. Because it has a direct correlation to this:
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As D11 left for school this morning I said "I love you" and she said "Meh." That's been her thing this week and as much as I know it's in the nature of a kid that age to be unkind to her family, I'm getting pretty sick of it. She knows she's hurting me and she's doing it on purpose. Her character is in many ways like my H's and it makes it VERY DIFFICULT to cope with her sometimes.
This is your cue to realize that your kids are being affected by this situation. They need clarity. They need consistency. And they need both of their parents. On that note...
... what I'm saying might come across as a 2x4. Again, it's not. She's telling you that she needs you to be the go to parent. Perhaps she's angry with you for being emotionally messy. This is when I got my then D9 into counseling. I had to put her in for a few months every year or so just to keep her moving along. She needed a safe place to vent to someone who could understand exactly where she was emotionally. She didn't feel that her dad or I were in a position to put aside our own feelings to help her deal with hers. She felt we'd be too defensive.
On that same subject, she's 11. You've got to get tougher skin. If you think this is tough, wait until she's 16-18. If there is anything worse in this world than a 17 year old girl, I haven't encountered it. I'm not saying you should be allowing disrespect or a blatant disregard for the feelings of others in the family. If she's disrespectful. calmly call her on it. Let her know it's not acceptable. But you have to know that if you are holding everyone to that standard, you have to do the same. And that means not allowing YOUR feelings to enter the parenting equation.
I'm not saying it's easy, Maybell. It isn't. But your children are small and they need to know that the one person who will *always* have their backs is you. I can see you saying, "but I do!" We know you do. Truly. But it's your actions and how you wear your emotions that sometimes put up those caution or stop signs. So learn how to completely fake it around them.
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I'm torn between wondering why I would even consider wanting him back and feeling exasperated that he's left this all to me and off living his selfish little life in his selfish little bachelor pad and sending me bleeping texts at 1:30 in the morning.
What helped me when I started feeling like this was to verbally remind myself that I had choices too. It was always an option for me to file for D and get some clarity, answers and direction. So if you choose to live in this state, you're going to have to force yourself to acknowledge that you have choices.
It won't take away your anger at the situation, nor will it miraculously get you the help you need. But if having no answers is the part that gets you absolutely wiggy and unhappy, know that you always have the option to exercise that right too. Nobody would think less of you for needing some stability - for yourself and more importantly, for your children. It just might be that the courts will have a better chance at forcing your H to be a parent to your children. I know it's true for a friend of mine (both are my friends). The H always made excuses for his work. To his credit, he works a job that is his true passion. But he was never around for his daughter. All that changed when they got divorced. He's a really great dad and finally had to follow the court's plan for being present.
Too bad it took that drastic measure to get him to do the job. But in the end, sometimes people do what they need to do when they're forced to do it. I realize your H travels. The courts will take that into consideration - even if you don't file for D - in a support formula. It would allow you to schedule a sitter or nanny to help you out so you don't lose your marbles. I only had 2 kids - you have 3. You have to take care of you, Maybell.
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God help me, how am I supposed to do all this when I have a full time job as well as everything else I'm responsible for? Where am I supposed to find the patience for all the curve balls and behavior? I don't even know how I would ask him for help because he's so unavailable.
LOL, this was me too. I don't know how. But I did it. I prayed for serenity and for a peaceful life. It had bumpy roads, but in the end, my girls and I are all very close. Well, except for that 17 year old blip on the radar.
Okay, here goes my true whack:
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I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.
It's up to you to figure out how to get him to agree to live up to them. If he doesn't, what's plan B? If he were dead instead of off in la-la land, what would you do?
Put this anger to use, Maybell. Anger is the call to do something different. Some things are in your control. So figure out what your plan is and then execute it. You have to be fluid and flexible sometimes, but have a game plan.
And if I were you, I'd also call a family meeting. Let the kids know that you know this is hard on them too. Ask for their patience and understanding with you and offer yours in return. And let them know that you expect them to be helpful to the household when they can and that from here on out, you want to work on having a peaceful house with respect.
It might sound like it's crazy, but I can tell you it really worked for me. My D20 became a very responsible person, and she realized that she had some power in the emotional thermostat of our house. For the most part, she didn't act out. She figured out that I was a whole lot more inclined to give her my trust and benefit of the doubt when she acted like she deserved it. Again, there were bumps in that road. But I laid the ground work when they were young, and I stuck to it. I had consistent consequences for actions because I knew if I chose the lazy route, I'd pay dearly later. I learned how to weather the tantrums and the no I love yous. Occasionally, I heard how mean and strict I was. Instead of feeling guilty, I'd answer back, "Good! Then I'm doing my job!" She'd huff off and give me the silent treatment for awhile. Now that she's in college, she tells me all the time that she appreciated the consistency.
So hugs for having to deal with these feelings. I know how awful they are. But it really helped when I reminded myself that I always had choices. They may not be great or what I wanted, but I had them. And when I wasn't okay with where I was and needed his cooperation, I forced that conversation.
So what are your goals to make it through?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
BTW, Brene Brown is awesome. Google her TED talks and listen. It was my first assignment when I put myself into IC earlier this summer. There's a lot there. It might help you refocus and concentrate on your own feelings. I know it helped me.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
