That's open to interpretation, no? Why is her perspective so invalid to you?
It's not at all. When she told me this last night I felt like a total turd. I don't know where I was at that point in my life. I really deep down did not want to leave her.
I was a real deek head. But that is still no excuse for an affair. She could have told me she was not happy etc.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
But that is still no excuse for an affair. She could have told me she was not happy etc.
Hmmm. but one of her complaints was "She claims I stopped listening to her and became verbally abusive." Maybe she did try to tell you she was unhappy? Or maybe she was afraid of how you would react?
"I was a real deek head. But that is still no excuse for an affair."
whether or not its an excuse is irrelevant and open to judgement. you can determine what is an excuse only for your behavior, she gets to decide whats a valid excuse for her behavior. it would be easy enough for her to say the same for your deek head behavior. you can go around and around forever.
the point is, you can only truly judge yourself and your actions.
and the reason for this is you do not know what she felt while you were being a deek. or how long she felt this way or how much it hurt her.
you can only apologize and deal with the consequences and take responsibility.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
"I was a real deek head. But that is still no excuse for an affair."
whether or not its an excuse is irrelevant and open to judgement. you can determine what is an excuse only for your behavior, she gets to decide whats a valid excuse for her behavior. it would be easy enough for her to say the same for your deek head behavior. you can go around and around forever.
the point is, you can only truly judge yourself and your actions.
and the reason for this is you do not know what she felt while you were being a deek. or how long she felt this way or how much it hurt her.
you can only apologize and deal with the consequences and take responsibility.
You and Claire are 100% right! I love her and loved her no one should be treated that way.
I have been in tons of therapy and I don't have the ability to treat anyone that way ever again.
I guess what amazes me is that I know OM treats her far worse than me when they re in spats. Even the MC says my WW seems to see abuse as love.
I have tried to change that I have apologized over and over. I have treated her as she should be , do I mess up sometimes? Yes I definitely do, not with emotional abuse etc, but if can just feel it in my bones when I have, but like I said it's been a long time.
I really want to thank all of you for supporting me through my forum and helping me to see the truth...
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"I guess what amazes me is that I know OM treats her far worse than me when they re in spats. Even the MC says my WW seems to see abuse as love."
-this statement is entirely from your (or ICs) perspective. and may be based on untruths she's told you and others. it may be fun to think about, and helps your feel better, but its meaningless.
when people dont get the level of attention they need from their spouse, they'll get it from somewhere else, even if its seen as abusive. which may help explain her choices if your deek head behavior included ignoring her.
again, irrelevant.
chances are, you'll never know for sure. and if you knew, you may not accept it.
focus on you. fix yourself, prepare yourself. be a man. raise your sons, work on your self-pride and value.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ok, your MC seems to analyze you, your W, and OM. Telling what stages she and OM are in .
But is she actually working on anything with you guys? How to change behaviors? Is she going you get to the root of the problems and for you tools on how to work towards a healthier self? Or is she just goin to keep pointing out the obvious?
And analyzing OM isn't going To get you anywhere . He is not the root of your problems . They obviously existed long before he came along.
The work has for to be done on you. That's what you need to worry about .
I would go and find a good IC who focuses on you and who gives you tools to work out your issues.
Just my $.02
Actually we are way past analyzing. She is actually excellent. My original IC just listened to me and told me to leave my wife.
The wife went to see the MC for IC and then they both recommended I go as well. So now I know all that bothered my W about me. We have done a lot of work.
The IC says I am about 80% to where I need to be! but the last 20 is my biggest fault. She also Pinter out that our marriage was dysfunctional and she wants to ensure that if we R we have an amazing marriage.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"I guess what amazes me is that I know OM treats her far worse than me when they re in spats. Even the MC says my WW seems to see abuse as love."
-this statement is entirely from your (or ICs) perspective. and may be based on untruths she's told you and others. it may be fun to think about, and helps your feel better, but its meaningless.
when people dont get the level of attention they need from their spouse, they'll get it from somewhere else, even if its seen as abusive. which may help explain her choices if your deek head behavior included ignoring her.
again, irrelevant.
chances are, you'll never know for sure. and if you knew, you may not accept it.
focus on you. fix yourself, prepare yourself. be a man. raise your sons, work on your self-pride and value.
You sound like the MC
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
So here is one I bet no one has ever heard before.
W- " I never intended for the EA to become a PA but when you told me that an EA is as bad as a PA I figured what the hey..."
Or another one
W- " you were not treating me well you called me a beatch etc et long before my EA...."
Ox- " well did you ever think that it was in response to all the emotional abuse you dished at me?"
W- " don.t go there don't you go there, you should only know what you put me through"
Ox- " well I refuse to live in an open marriage I am not willing to share my wife with an OM" W- " well I am sorry I am not ready to end communication with OM and you can't make me"
Ox---" I am not trying to make you do anything "
(material deleted0
So now that I laid down my boundaries to my WS she tells me she's not ready to decide but she's not leaving me, the kids or the house and I can't make her..
You have not laid down any boundaries. You expressed a pious wish and she ignored it.
You can't make her do anything, but you can do something for yourself. File for divorce. Then she'll decide that you won't live in an open marriage.
Most everyone who has posted on your new thread has hinted at filing for divorce as the right way to go. After you file the next move is up to her. If she insists on her right to see the OM, that's it.
Don't listen to any nonsense about your kids. She is leaving them, you are not taking them away from her.
