3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

The OM thing is progressing. I know I am supposed to be focusing on myself and he makes me really open my eyes and appreciate myself. It's not physical, we just talk a lot. It has really helped me start detaching. I've gone out with friends several nights this week and enjoyed this time. H has been acting rejected and jealous of me going out. He's started pushing selling the condo again.

When I talk about trying to control my husband I refer to altering my own behavior to try and sway him back to me. Staying home and making him happy, cooking him dinner, talking with him and watching his TV shows...
I've been doing this to an extreme since the BD back in May, but to a smaller extent, for years. I was decling invites from friends to stay home to make H happy. I wouldn't talk about my DJing because it upset him. So not drastic controlling, actually it seems that he was more the controller.
I met him when I was 21, 18 years ago through mutual friends and our scene. He always was more dominant as far as important decisions, whereas I allowed him to suppress my independence.
My dad has always been controlling. H actually kind of reminds me of him.

Results of my controlling? I do feel I've made life easier for H and it's made him friendlier and extended our marriage. I feel if I hadn't acted this way, he would have left me back in April.

[Vanilla]

Devotee

Altering your own behaviour won't make any other person do anything. They do what they do.

Core DB seems to me about altering ones own behaviour; that isn't controlling.

What you appear to be doing is appeasing, chasing and failing to run your own life. This is likely to have a short term effect but won't bring H back into an R. Neither will trying to make H jealous. Having an EA/PA of your own would be very destructive.

Can you review Sandis guidelines referred to as 37 rules at the start of the newcomers forum and let me know if you are applying them?

I still believe you need help with H drinking from Al anon.
Vanilla

[devotee]

I have finally told H about OM. He is sad, but happy j am getting on with my life. We're speeding up selling the condo. He talked to for about two hours last night, lots of crying but back into the blame game and even remorse and pleading.
I stood strong. I let him know I finally am moving on, that I love H but am not in love with him anymore.
I know first and formost I am focusing on rebuilding myself. I don't want a rebound R either. My OM knows all about what happened and what is happening. He is very understanding and patient. He says he wants me to go at my own pace, to process and heal. He will be waiting for me.

[Sotto]

Hi Devotee

Is it early days for you to become so involved with OM?

I haven't dated yet...it's 5 months since BD for me. I may date casually after the new year....not sure yet.

How sure are you that you are truly healed enough to have a successful R with someone else....and that OM isn't just something to make you feel better.

Take things slow would be my advice....

[devotee]

We are taking things slow. We pretty much mainly write to each other... We've sent each other over 2000 messages and most of those messages are long and very deep... We do see each other a couple times a week but mainly talk and kiss a little.
It's been since May that the bombdrop happened so that's 7 months.
I know I still need time to heal and I'm trying. So does he... He just left a relationship of 6 years...
But we both are very honest with each other and upfront about the challenges we'll be facing.

[devotee]

Things have been very hard for me this week. H decided to be mean for a bit, saying he can't handle me living here while I have feelings for another man. He told me he was going to AZ for a week and I needed to move out. There is no way I could move 18 years of stuff or find a place that quick. Then he felt bad and said he won't kick me out but that I needed to at least hurry and not talk about the OM or text him in front of H. He also started accepting most the blame for these last 8 months since BD. He's sayng all the right things, that he never stopped loving me, that he'll eat crow to save us, that he's proud of me for bring a DJ, that he wants to be with me forever. He cried and cried, blamed everything on a chemical imbalance in him and that he finally was balancing out again. He left for AZ and left a beautiful picture of us on my pillow. He keeps texting calling me his petname for me, sending links to romantic songs, telling me his family misses me and that they're going to come get me so we can all spend Xmas together. I told him no, that I need to repair myself. That I don't believe he's changed and that he'll still hate my DJing and friends. He says I'm his wife, he tried to friend me on Facebook and my friends said he changed his status back to married.
I'm at a total loss of what to do right now. I am so happy and deep in love with OM right now. He is basicly my dream guy and brings out feelings I never knew existed. We are so caught up in our whirlwind beginning stages, and on Cloud 9. All I can think about is him and how he has woken me up from what has been a loveless marriage for some time. I told OM last night I wasn't sure what I am doing. I am in love with him, but I still care for my H and am worried I may be in the wrong for not giving H a second chance. But I don't want to lead them both on. He said he's willing to wait for me and give me space but all I want to do is be around him.
Do I choose to be with a man who seems to be perfect for me and connects with me in a way I never thought possible? Or do I choose my H of 18 years who is still very much in his MLC and might just continue the cycle of our very strained marriage?

[HeavyD]

This post if it's not a joke is very sad to read and contemplate.

My opinion is to leave your living situation with your H while you work out your multiple issues.

Are you and your huband in therapy? If not, you should be.

[Vanilla]

Devotee

I really do empathise with living with a compulsive, particularly a drinker. It is one of the hardest sitches to be in and more than most I will encourage you to changes in your life.

Any decision that you make is yours alone, go or stay. Clearly there are pulls in both directions. Either road will be a very hard one. If you intend to leave then I recommend you do so because your M is truly finished, not because you have an alternate. Otherwise you leave H not understanding his full role in the demise of your M, which gives him reason to self pity and continue his compulsive behaviour. In the long run I think this would cause you more pain. Take the high road, park the EA until you are separated.

This site is devoted to M and resolving the issues surrounding your M. If H is unwilling to change his compulsive behaviours then you are in a very difficult position. Indeed alcoholics can behave very erratically indeed, please be very careful for your own safety. There are many here who because they are LBS will be quite harsh on your EA. I am an almost WAW with a seriously compulsive H and I understand the needs to move on and out. Do this devotee because your M is ready to move to S then D, and not because you have an EA, no matter how attractive that may seem to you. If you truly want to move on and find new love, then do so with pride and dignity and not with attraction to OM leading you.

I do believe I understand a little of your position, in many ways they are similar, both with compulsives and drinkers who dropped the bomb on us from high. Yours is saying he wants to piece, what is he prepared to do for that? It must be to give up his compulsions including alcohol and EA. You are in my prayers.

Take great care
Vanilla

[Calibri]

Do this devotee because your M is ready to move to S then D, and not because you have an EA, no matter how attractive that may seem to you. If you truly want to move on and find new love, the do so with pride and dignity and not with attraction to OM leading you.

This. x1,000. Go down the path that is yours. A path of learning about yourself and healing and learning from past mistakes (not just within your M). If OM or H is still down the path and waiting for you, that's great. But, don't go down a path because of a pull that may (or may not) be temporary.

All of this is hard -- but I would encourage you to think about what you truly need.

[devotee]

Exactly... What do I want??? I see so much potential in my R with OM. We have soooooo much in common and similar outlooks in life... Past, now and future. He makes me smile and feel good about myself. All my friends have seen the pain and destruction H caused in me, and now seeing me this happy with OM they all keep telling me how they've never seen me like this, how I am a new person and that I glow. That my H's MLC brought the biggest change in my life and it was for the better. To me, everything around me and inside me says pick OM.
But then the dread rises of remembering the good times with H, our 18 years and home together. It would be easier and more practical to stay with him but that doesn't make a relationship. But I don't make enough money to live in my own and to find an apt right now in this neighborhood (where I need to stay since I don't drive) is financially impossible. Hudband is still unemployed so I doubt Id get maintenance awarded. I still consider H my best friend and I do love him. It's not the passionate ecstatic love I have for OM, but then again OM and I are just getting to know each other... We only know the fun and pretty sides of each other. Who knows what will happen once the R becomes a bit settled down.
So yeah, I'm still confused as ever.
I know I need to move out and move on. My brain tells me that readily. It's my heart that is complicating things.