I don't want to make this long but looking for support. W dropped bomb that she needed a break and wanted to move out to have some space. She gave all the reasons listed in DR book. Wall around her heart, feels numb, not happy etc. 8/4 she rented a house 2 miles away and will move out in September. I am devastated beyond belief. Throwing up every morning, lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks, crying every night. I bought DR and have read in 3 times in 2 weeks and have begun implementing some of the things I have learned such as "more of the same" cheesless tunnels, 180 which gives me hope. No affairs, no physical abuse by the way. The hard part is that if you saw us you would not see anything wrong. She kisses me every morning and night, waits at the door and waives as I go to work,has coffee with me in the morning, texts me,and asked me to go to lunch etc. She even looks at me with love in her eyes. We sit down and talk every day, no arguing (just some grumpiness when kids are acting up) In fact she just called as I was typing this. Basically many of the small things you are looking for when things are improving I already have as she is leaving! I think one of the most difficult things, besides how I have offended her in the past is that our 2 year old is so challenging, and when she starts screaming the W takes it out on me. Numerous times over the past 5 months she has mentioned that she is depressed, wants to run away or be alone without anyone around when our D acts out. While I work on myself my hope is this house she is renting is an escape pad where she can go alone for quiet time and to think, and as she says maybe miss me again. Just looking for support and advice as I wade through this difficult time and slightly unusual situation after reading many other posts.
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Hi Dave, I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you're here. I just went through my own BD a month ago so I'm by no means an expert, but I see some similarities in our situations if you want to take a look at my thread.
My H also left saying that he needed space and a "break." The good news in that is that he isn't ready to be done, and it sounds like your W isn't ready to be done either. Whatever you do, don't give her a reason to be done! It is going to be hard, but you are going to have to give her the space that she is asking for. You will make mistakes; we all do. Just try to do the best you can.
Since you are getting along now, I recommend that you try to work out arrangements for finances and custody as soon as you can. Those discussions may be very difficult, and they might cause a huge setback later on if you don't deal with them now. We are 5 weeks in and just now talking about how to split our finances (and realizing that we have very different ideas as to how to do so fairly). If we'd had this discussion a month ago, we might be on to something else more positive now.
And please make sure to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and resting and getting a life. These things are for YOU. You need to take care of yourself while your W is going through her own issues.
Welcome to the hardest club in the world to be a part of. That said, DR is magic. I truly believe it.
Thank you so much, just what I needed to hear at the right time! I will post later how I used DR solutions well yesterday. It doesn't heal the ache in the heart but gives hope.
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My intent today was to post the history leading up to the current situation, partially because I won't talk to family or friends and partially because someone else may find similarities. If anyone is interested I will do that. What I will do is tell how I used many of the DR techniques in just to interactions with my W 2 days ago. First I sent an email (the medium is the message) in the morning to her saying that before she moves out we need to discuss some logistics about the children. Then instead of begging and pleading I did a 180 and wrote that I hope that her leaving helps her find what she is looking for, and that although I would like her to stay I respect her need for space. I told her that I want her to get the most out of this seperation, to get the space that she needs so we will want to discuss contact between us. I then told her that when we do talk it is best for me before 8 at night and not when we are in a hurry, grouchy or tired or when we will be interupted by kids (timing) I then proceded to read DR for the 3rd time, but this time I did all the homework and wrote everything down. Don't ever skip that step! That night before 8, when the kids were watching a movie she sat down with me and said that she read my email and was ready to talk. For the first time we had a very good talk about the sitch. What I found out was that she was taking the kids with her but she really had no idea what she was doing and had not thought about any of the details! She started to talk about her unhappiness, but I lovingly and gently guided the conversation back to how this could positively change our relationship. I think WAW have tremendous guilt and feel lost and they will go into the same downward spiral talking about how they haven't been happy forever, there hasn't been good times etc. to justify why they are leaving. That would not be a solution oriented conversation. Anyway in the end she said she does not want a divorce, she loves are home and is scared to move into a new place, and that she will miss me (one of her reasons for leaving) but it is something she feels she has to do and that she truly believes that she will come back to me. I smiled at her (not being too enthusiastic) and then the kids came up and we stopped talking. Great, loving conversation thanks to DR techniques!!
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My goal for the rest of this month before she leaves is to be the best husband and father that I can be. I want to be the person she met 14 years ago, and someone who she will miss terribly her first night away. By working on myself I hope to be the husband who she will miss all the good things about instead of focusing on what she is running away from. The hard part is keeping my emotions in check and not backsliding at all. Easier said than done ha ha!
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trying to do smaller frequent posts to get off moderation. Another thing I am working on that I learned from a business seminar is making a list of the positive things that can happen as a result of my W being gone. This helps neutralize the feelings of hurt, fear, rejection, loneliness. For example I will have time to exercise and sleep more, read more books, clean or do house projects that don't get done because of taking care of the kids or trying to spend time with the W. I will also miss my W and kids more which in turn will make me a better husband and father when I am with them.
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What a roller coaster ride this is. Some days I am strong and do everthing right, other days I seem to fall apart and my emotions get the best of me. I will say this, the DR techniques work very well. I wish I would have read it years ago, I probably would not be in this situation!
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So for the past week I have completely eliminated some of the behaviours/comments that typically make my wife angry or unhappy. I have also really been paying attention to what kind of mood she is in as well as what she is needing. So if she seems tired I make an extra effort to take care of the kids so she can have a nap. If she is talking about exercising I make sure to do whatever it takes so she can do that. Also have been making sure I am always well dressed and "put together". I am staying positive, no arguing or sulking. I am making sure that none of my words or actions will cause her to be angry, unhappy or push her away. I make sure to compiment her often on how good she looks or how she is dressed. Basically doing things I did when we first met to be attractive to her while still being a strong husband and not a doormat. It all is making a big difference and she is acting very warmly toward me. She is making comments on how good I look, and even being a little more affectionate. I know I have a long way to go, and there will be dips in the road, but it is amazing how good a little hope feels.
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Still continuing on my path, not perfect but going okay. 2 days agoI could tell W was tired and grouchy. I gave her space helped with the kids and read a little DR because I knew at some point she would lash out at me. It finally happened I walked into the room, kids were all over her and causually asked what she was reading on the iPad. She screamed at me and said she was just trying to look for a bra that fits because her chi chis have shrunk since stopping breast feeding. I did not react and walked out of the room. We'll 20 min later she comes out and apologizes. My wife NEVER says that she is sorry for anything. Great progress! So yesterday I did a little no no and went to VS and picked up a bra and panties that would fit and brought it to her at the office. Of course she was very happy and her employees were impressed. Last night as I was trying To go to sleep she kept making me stay awake and asking me to kiss her and saying she really appreciated the gift. This morning she came out with her wedding ring on for the first time in 2 months:) I think it really helps to continually read DR whenever you are going to have interactions with your spouse to minimize backsliding.
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