How about the boundary issue we've talked about here? What would you like to do here?
Starsky, myself, Bond, and others are standing by ready to assist you. Just holler whenever you're ready. Take your time in processing this new information.
The new information is that I'm done. We talked over the phone for about an hour this morning. Started out rough, but smoothed out. Her biggest sticking point was wanting me to move out of the house a few days during the week so she could stay with the kids once school starts. Said my answer right now was no, but we could discuss options. She proposed we go out Fri night.
After we talked, I couldn't let it go and text her about who she was sleeping with in the bedroom (some girl) and if 'that' had ever happened with OM. I needed to know going forward. Her response- 'Do you really want to know? Why would I want to hurt you? The answer is yes. Not here.'
I know I should probably take some time, but that's always been my line in the sand. I can't imagine ever being able to overcome that. I've left a message at the attorney's office. Feeling defeated....
Finding out that it was a full blown PA makes this feel like BD all over again. I always struggled with detaching, as evident by how much this hurts. I will never understand how someone who claims to care about you can hurt you so much.
A lot of you on here warned me that it was a full blown PA, but I refused to believe it. I feel like such a fool.
I am sorry that this is such a blow to hear a confirmation that W is continuing her A with the OM. We all have been where you are and it is not the end of the M. As you can see, we have recovered from it.
Not sure why you are filing for D with the L if you still want to save the M. In order to protect the M, you're going to have to instill strong boundaries for your W.
Tell her that you're not willing to live in an open M and her conducting an affair is utterly disrespectful. I'd suggest that you visit Dev's thread in Infidelity to gain some pointers on how to achieve it.
It's time to get some backbone and put your foot down!
No more waffling and dithering on taking this very important step if you are still interested in saving your M.
Tarheel, I am so sorry to hear your story. I am trying to deal with the detachment and last night felt like I cannot go on doing it.. just want it over. I struggle with the thought of W not loving me after 25 years of M and it makes me ill. You are in my prayers.
Only you can decide if a PA is a deal-breaker for you.
If it's NOT ultimately a deal-breaker (it wasn't for me), then I stand staunchly by Wonka on her advice up there. This is the *perfect* time for you to switch gears and grow a backbone with W.
A man with courage, conviction and confidence is attractive.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I've been convinced that it was a deal breaker all throughout this process. I've read numerous threads on here where the PA is common knowledge and even flaunted in front of the LBS and I've always wondered how someone could tolerate that.
However, maybe it's second thoughts? Maybe it's foolishness? But this morning I've really been thinking of sending W one last email- either commit to the M right now or I'm fully prepared to proceed with D. I know, it's an ultimatum, but I think I'm being told from 'above' to give it this one last chance. And at this point, I'm fully prepared for her decision either way.
I don't know if I'd ever be able to overcome what W has put me through and what I've discovered, but I'm putting that aside for right now as I debate sending this last email.
I won't give a "yay" or "nay" on an e-mail. HOWEVER, if you plan to send one, post it here first, won't you?
The vets here have been giving you INCREDIBLE advice all along. And now you, yourself, see how it's easier for *us* to see things clearly, looking in from the outside.
So, yeah, grow that backbone, bro. But heed the advice given here about how to tactfully do it. Deal??
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
'Although what you told me yesterday was somewhat suspected (so didn't come as a total surprise), it still was incredibly painful to hear and will be for as long as I can envision.
With that being said, I've been dead set on proceeding forward with a divorce since hearing it. However, I think you know that I've been going to church on a regular basis for the past year. Throughout this process, I've looked to God to provide me answers and signs on what I should be doing, how I should interact with you, etc. I know you've mentioned you've recently begun doing the same. I prayed yesterday and asked questions that I don't know the answer to, but I believe that I've received yet another sign that I shouldn't be proceeding with a divorce just yet.
Because of that, I'm asking you this question- Are you willing to end all contact with OM immediately and begin to take the necessary step to build a new relationship with me? If you are not, I'm fully prepared to go ahead with the divorce.
I don't know that either one of us will ever be able to overcome the incredible hurt we've put on each other and eventually we'd need to address that. I can't guarantee that I can ever get the thought of what you confirmed out of my head, but I believe I may be able to put that aside for now if you're 100% committed to working on us.
I know this may seem like I'm forcing a decision from you, but I think I'm being 'told' to offer this last chance....Think about it and please let me know either way by tomorrow afternoon.'
It is very obvious that you are writing the email based on your emotions over what you just learned yesterday about W and the OM.
First things first...set the letter aside until this Friday. This is not a real emergency and does not NEED to be sent now. You want to be deliberate and thoughtful in approaching this.
I tell newbies all the time to post their draft emails/texts for feedback and input. Not because they cannot do it. It is because they do not YET have the proper DBing tools on how to write one based on DB principles.
What I advise around here when writing emails/texts is the following tips:
-KISS (Keep It Short and Sweet) Short, concise and relevant -STFU about blaming, resentment, self-righteousness, and moralizing
So Tarheel...take out your Sharpie pen and re-work this draft. Word of warning..there may be 2 or 1,000 drafts before you reach the final version. 'Kay?
For some tips on how to do this, you might want to visit Dev's thread. We worked with Dev on the no-OM boundary email to his wife.
I will be away all the rest of the afternoon for a work commitment and will return in the evening. Myself and other DBers will be happy to assist you through this writing process.
Hang in there! You've got tons of DBers ready to lend you support and assistance here.
