'W, I appreciate you being open and honest with me regarding your feelings. I can imagine that it's difficult for you to open up right now to anyone, especially with me. I understand how you must feel hurt when the kids don't want to go with you and agree that they would probably refer to stay in their 'home'. Do you have any thoughts on how to handle it? Maybe having a set schedule would help, especially once school starts. I'd love to hear more about what you've been going through and how you feel.
(Not sure if I should include this section as it's more just me venting about the situation she's put me in. Feel free to strike through) This has been difficult on all of us. I'm sorry that you feel that I have it all right now, but I hope you realize that it's a struggle for me too. Staying at the house is great, but I also get to deal with all that comes with it- cleaning, groceries, bills, maintenance, meals, etc...However, as difficult as this situation has been, it's also given me the opportunity to step up and be the leader of this family that I wasn't for the past 15 years.
That's great to hear that you're doing well at the new job- I'm proud of you.'
For reference, here was W's email to me after D10 told W she did not want to go with W when she stopped by to pick up the kids...
'I know that D10 was just being- D10, but it doesn't feel good when she doesn't want to come with me...It hurts. It s*cks because I totally understand. They want to be at their house, with their things, and their pets and friends...I hate that I have to stress about picking them up and taking them home. I feel like my life has completely turned upside down and yours hasn't. Now, I know that's not true. I know that you feel completely distraught by me leaving the marriage/home, but In terms of our assets and routines and "home"...you have it all...Just my feelings. I'm trying to get better at sharing those and let you know where I'm coming from.'
'That's great to hear that you're doing well at the new job- You may not believe it, but I'm proud of you. This has been difficult on all of us. I appreciate you being open and honest with me regarding your feelings. I can imagine that it's difficult for you to open up right now to anyone, especially with me. I understand how you must feel hurt when the kids don't want to go with you and agree that they would probably prefer to stay in their 'home'. Do you have any thoughts on how to handle it? I do think we should create a set schedule once school starts. As you feel comfortable, I'd love to hear more about what you've been going through and how you feel.'
W responded with this...
'Thank you. I'm trying. I'm still going through a lot of depression and feeling defeated, but feel like I'm working towards something. I had a good talk with my mom last night about business and life in general. She knows how down I've been and how hard I've been working.'
Cryptic much?! What's the 'something' she's working towards?! The positive is that I've spoken with her mom (divorced when W and her brother were young and doesn't speak with exH) a few times since BD and she knows what's going on. I'd say she's in my corner, but I'm sure wants W to be happy, so...
^^^^ Mindreading. Don't do it. IL parents will often be in your corner, but WAS won't listen to 'you should go back' coaching. So likely MIL won't keep saying that to her at this stage. I would tend to think the 'something' would just be generic. Take the fact that it was a friendly response and don't dig for meaning.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I agree. MIL is not afraid to tell W how it is, but I was more pleased in the fact that W emailed back than the contents of it. Seems like she's opened up to me a little more recently.
Feel like all I'm doing is posting emails, but here's what I received today. Explains why she was talking to her mom (that's who she's going with)
'I'm leaving tonight to head down to Florida for a few much needed "mental health days"... I don't know why I procrastinate telling you these things.. Communication...One more of my crazy a** flaws...I've been dreading telling you for fear you'll be mad, or I'll be "in trouble". I told you I feel like you're my dad sometimes...Another thing I don't understand about our relationship.. I'm sorry for that.
On one hand I feel like I owe you an explanation for everything I do, and on the other I feel like I don't owe you anything since we have lived apart for almost a year. We are in a weird place right now and I struggle with knowing what to do and how to act.
I also struggle with a huge amount of "mommy guilt"..I hate that I'll miss S10's orientation, but you're a great dad and more than capable of handling it all. But, if you need any help, tell me and I can call (best friend).I'll be back Weds night.
I hope you're not mad at me for going. I hate when you're mad at me.'
I just responded with 'Thanks for letting me know. Get some rest and have a good time!'
Feeling so messed up today- found out W did not go with her mom to FL, but instead with OM.
W and I text last night after I found out (she wouldn't answer my calls). Long story short, she claims that there are 15 of them there and she is not 'with OM'. She went to clear her mind and think about things. She's been going to church, praying for an answer, reading things...I have no idea why she was there, what she's been doing, it's not what I think it is, but she's tired of having this same conversation.
I'm so fed up and ready to just make the call to start D today, but then I have that little voice in the back of my head that continues to give her the benefit of the doubt- I don't know why. I don't know where to go from here....
