I blew it! Wife wants a divorce and is moving out

[FaultyH]

Is there a history of her feeling stressed toward your family?

Yes. To be more specific, she had some issues with my aunt's husband (I called him uncle in the previous posts) because he started to notice behavioral issues with my wife. For example, one day (October 2012) my W and I were at my aunt's house. Earlier that day my W told me that she wanted to go to the pharmacy after leaving my aunt's house. While we were at my aunt's, my uncle-by-marriage was talking to me about some remedies for a problem that my W was having. He then wanted to go to the pharmacy with me to show me the supplement that will help with my W's problem. He also needed to buy some supplements. But before I left I spoke with my wife (back then we were still dating) and let her know that we were going to get something for her really quick. She then got upset and said "But why are you going now? I told you I wanted to go with you after we r done here!." So I told her that we were still going after we leave the house as she asked me to, but that my uncle also needed to get something for himself. She then started to raise her voice and got really upset; "I told you before that I wanted to go with you!..You never listen to me!" This happened in the middle of my aunt's kitchen, where both my uncle and aunt were standing, as well as my cousin and his wife, and my younger cousin. My cousin's wife tried to speak to her so she can calm down (they know each other since before we met). I told my uncle that I will just stay at the house with her, but then my W decided to come with us. She had an attitude from the moment we got in the car, to the moment we arrived to the pharmacy, and pretty much all night. Later on she told me that the reason why she wanted to go just with me is because she needed to buy personal items (girl stuff). But she never told me that before, and I also asked her what she needed to buy and I will buy it for her. So at that point I understood her frustration, but my uncle wasn't too happy with the fact of two people arguing in his house. That was just one incident. Similar incidents happened earlier and later on.

And yes, I may not know how she feels, but that is why I supported her during those "attacks".

[FaultyH]

How long had you known her before getting M?

We married 4 months after we met for the first time. We were introduced by my cousin's friends.

You had no idea that what she revealed about her past had happened?

Actually, she revealed something that it wasn't too serious, but I will not share it here. She did confessed to me earlier that day (beach day) that she has not opened her heart completely to me, because she feared that I was going to take her for granted. Im still not sure why was she so hesitant to open up to me. After all, I completely opened my heart to her. In addition, that same day during the beginning of the argument, she said that "we shouldn't have been together in the first place..."(refer to the story). These confessions were somewhat alarming to me, and I didn't know where they were coming from.

You never saw any odd behavior before the day at the beach?

Yes. Actually, now that time has passed by, I see now more and more behavioral issues that happened between us and family in the past. One time we were at the movie theater's parking lot ready to drive home. It was in mid November 2012 (we were engaged). Since we met at the movie theater after work, she was driving her car and I was driving mine. When we were ready to leave I asked her to do a GPS on how to get home because we were not familiar with that particular side of town, and her phone was way better than mine. She agreed, but at that moment I received a call from my dad telling me that my nephew was born. I was excited! I told my W about the good news and then she got in her car and I got in my car while talking to my dad. I noticed that she was taking a while to make the GPS work. So after around 5 minutes I told my dad that I needed to check on my W because she may be having issues with her phone. I hung up and I approached to her window and she was sitting in the car with her eyes closed and doors locked. I knocked her window, but not response. I talked to her...nothing. I even called her and she hung up the phone as I stood there and looking at her. At that point I knew something was wrong. I tried to reason with her, but she said nothing. So I gave her some space but it was late at night. So I went to her and started to talk to her again. But no luck. At that point I got very upset and started to raise my voice and demand her to open her door. She finally cracked the window and told me that the reason why she was so pissed is because I didn't come to her to ask what was going on with the GPS, but I DID! She said I took too long. I asked her "Why didn't you tell me you were having issues with your phone? I was talking to my dad and I hung up just to see how you were doing." Then she started saying that I never cared about her, and everything got very heated up. It was very late at night. I drove away very mad, but I came back after I cooled off. We finally made peace and went home. But that was one of the first incidents we had.

I hope she gets help with whatever happened in her past. Has she tried?

She got help for her childhood trauma years ago. She finished her last treatment back in 2013. However, the treatment was mostly directed to cope with the trauma, but it apparently failed to completely eliminate the side effects of such trauma. People that has been through these kind of traumas become very defensive in the middle of an argument, and fail to "let things go" easily as normal people do. I tried my best to understand her and care for her conditions, but I must admit that sometimes I don't know how to handle it. She also said that she doesn't need more help because she claims to be a way better person than she used to be before.

[FaultyH]

This doesn't make much sense to me. How was your marriage before you were remarried with friends and family?

Our marriage was relatively happy. Most of the arguments that I described before took place before and after the marriage. I can tell you that the best time of our marriage was when she got fired from her previous job back in July 2013. I know it sounds contradictory, but it made her put her feet on the ground and was significantly less angry with me during arguments, which allowed us to both fix things promptly, without escalating to chaotic arguments. She then found a great job in January 2014.

What complaints did your W have?

I know she complained about my SIL's attitude when we were attending family get-together. This happened from February all the way through June 2nd, which was the day they made peace. Also, in the past she expressed that she did not like my aunt's husband's attitude because he called her out in the past regarding several incidents that happened in my aunt's house and in church (refer to the previous post for more details on one of the incidents.) At the beginning of our relationship she complained about me being too close to my family, specifically my aunt. I used to visit her and my cousins twice a week. After her valid complaints, I lowered the visits to once a month, and sometimes once every couple months. She still complained about me wanting to visiting my aunt. Keep in mind that I always included my wife every time I visited my aunt or any other family member, and she would sometimes get upset if I would go by myself. I recently found out that my W had complained to my aunt about me visiting my parents when they were in town. They live 600 miles away from here and the only come once a year, maybe twice. Every time they come I always took my wife to visit them so we all can spend time together. But this only happens once in a blue, so I don't know why she complained that I always wanted to be with my parents and not spent enough time with her. She complained about me being too explosive during arguments. I explained to her countless times that I don't appreciate when she yells at me and gets in my face while arguing, sometimes I even feel droplets of saliva hitting my face when she yells and gets in my face. Then at that point I start yelling, which makes her very upset.

What were you unhappy with?

To be honest, what made me very unhappy was the fact that she asked me to tell my brother not to have his wife walk down the aisle as we agreed months ago (see the story on Page 1). So off course my brother didn't showed up to the wedding, as well as my nephews. This really hurt me as I wanted all to be there for us in our special day. Then 2 weeks later the beach incident happens, in which she told me that now she knows what kind of man I am (See Page 2 and 3 for the full story). In the past, a thing that bothered me was the fact that even when I stopped visiting my family as frequently as I used to, she would complain if I try to make plans with her to go to family events. I never called my parents to complain about her, but I did the opposite, I would call my mom or my brother in order to justify her actions if there was something that bothered somebody in the family. They always understood her and respect us as a couple. Other thing that I did not really like was the fact that most of the time we had arguments when I was planning a guys night out. I only went out with just the guys less than 10 times in our whole relationship (every 2 to 3 months). 8 out of 10 times that I went out with the guys, we end up arguing right before I meet up with the guys. While we were at home, I couldn't be alone at the computer without her asking me what was I doing on the computer, why was I using the computer, etc. This did not happen all the time, but it happened often enough to make me feel that I was being slightly controlled. Add to this the fact that I had to cancel my FB accnt per her request (we argued about it). One thing that sets me off pretty much all the time is the fact that she will take one situation that can be solved in a matter of 20 minutes and expand it to the point that it would take hours or days to get it resolved. Add to this the yelling in my face and backing me into a corner.

What did she confess that was so horrible?

On page 2 and 3 I explained what she said. But I will repeated for your convenience . She confessed something while we were in the water that was not too bad. So the confession itself was not an issue. I may not have explained myself correctly. The statements that hurt my feelings were the following:

1. "You abandoned me! You left me all by myself in the water! How could you do that to me?"

2. "Now I know what kind of man are you!"
3. "You know what? We should never been together in the first place!"
4. "Why did we even married?"

This all happened at the beach during the heated argument discussed on page 2 and 3.

Hope this answer your questions. Please feel free to ask questions. And everybody is more than welcome to ask me questions. I know is a very confusing situation, but I would really appreciate any help. Have a blessed day.

[FaultyH]

It is time for some updates. First of all, thank you for your responses. So far they help me see the situation in a clearer view.

My W and I met two weeks ago in order for me to give her my signed and notarized part of the divorce papers. We started the conversation in a polite way, but it quickly turned into a blame-me-for-everything monologue. It has been well over 4 months of separation and we are still talking about this like it happened yesterday. After a while of going back and forth we finally hugged each other. She then told me that she still loves me but she cannot deal with my family, and that she doesn't want to see my family ever again. I proposed, again, for us to work on ourselves and forget about family for now. But she said is too late. Then we hugged again and she went back to class.

Later that day she texted me asking if we could go out for dinner. I said yes and we went out later that night. We had a good time, however she decided to vent out to me about how she was feeling, and how I destroyed this marriage. Regarding the beach incident, she also said that after what she went through with my family, she had the right to vent out and yell at me because she had no one else to vent out to. I am new to marriage and I don't know if it is normal for a spouse to yell at you in public and saying things like "now I know what kind of man you are...You are just like your f...ing family" when all I did was to hug her and listen to her feelings. We finished eating and we went to her car because it was raining and it was close to the restaurant. She then drove me to my car. Before I left, we kissed for a while. Then we went to our respective apartments.

My love for her had diminished, but it will not ddisappear. Thats it for now. I will keep posting any updates. Have a blessed day everyone.

[MrBond]

Your W has some issues. She was yelling at your and blaming you because she's afraid. When people lash out like that, it's out of fear and insecurity. The problem is that she doesn't see that it's all in her and not you.

The fact that she kissed you even after all that, shows the confusion. Sorry to hear about what's going on. Keep being the stronger man.

[FaultyH]

You have said it right, MrBond. The main issue that I struggle with is the fact that she rarely admit her faults. Whenever we have an argument, she would tell me that I need to see a therapist because I need help with my anger issues, insecurities, etc. But she won't come with me to any of the therapies. She says that it is all my fault and that she hasnt done anything wrong. How can I fix my relationship without giving in?

I apologized to her for the things that I did wrong. But I refuse to admit things that I know I didnt do.

I will just stay focused on my future. I will keep going to the gym and studying for my engineering license. If she wants to talk, then we can talk. But I am not going to listen to the same old story. It has been 5 months since our separation and Im feeling better than ever.

I still love her, but I am convinced that I tried my best.

[MrBond]

"The main issue that I struggle with is the fact that she rarely admit her faults."

Wow was that an egotistical comment. Didn't realize that you married someone who you expected to be perfect.

"Whenever we have an argument, she would tell me that I need to see a therapist because I need help with my anger issues, insecurities, etc. But she won't come with me to any of the therapies."

Why does she need to go with you? They're YOUR problems not hers. The anger, insecurity, etc. is generated by you and aren't caused by your W.

"But I refuse to admit things that I know I didnt do. "

Like what? Just because YOU didn't think you were wrong, doesn't mean that it wasn't. That's just your pride talking.

"I still love her, but I am convinced that I tried my best."

Not sure what you mean. You haven't fixed any of the issues that landed you here in the first place, so I don't know what you actually "tried".

[FaultyH]

Ok Mr. Bond, maybe I did not explain my point correctly and I apologize for that. I was writing using my phone, which is very annoying. What I am saying here is that in this current situation and in past situations, whenever we have an argument, even if it was started/caused by her, she will put 100% of the blame on me. FOR EXAMPLE: In New Year's Eve 2012-2013 she lashed out at me in front of my family because she wanted to watch the NYC Ball Drop live broadcast on TV but was not able to watch it from the beginning because we were not at our house (we were gathered at my brother's house). My brother politely explained her that he WILL put the ball drop 30 minutes before 12am. She replied "That’s fine, whatever!" and stormed out to the backyard in front of everybody. My brother was using the TV to play music. As he promised, he switched to the ball drop 30 minutes before midnight. She never thanked him and started arguing with me because "I wasn't being a man and I should have told my brother to put the ball drop as soon as she asked". I apologized to her for not being a man and continued to celebrate New Year’s. So according to you, MrBond, is this ok? Are you saying that it is correct for your spouse to put all the blame on you in most of the arguments and rarely apologize for what she did wrong? I am not saying I am perfect, or that I expect her to be perfect. I am asking her to be respectful to me and to others. Is that a "prideful" thing to ask? But one thing is true, I apologize and ask for forgiveness whenever I do something wrong and I also apologize even when I have done nothing wrong. I prefer to be happy with her than to win an argument. By the way, a similar incident happened in New Years Eve 2013-2014. As a matter of fact, I don't even know where you got the idea of me looking for a "perfect" wife. Look back to what I wrote; did I ever say that I have done nothing wrong? In fact, let me quote something that YOU posted:

When people lash out like that, it's out of fear and insecurity.

Therefore, you perceive my wife to be somewhat insecure. I went to take therapy by myself. The therapist asked for my W to join me in one of the sessions, but she refused to come. After visiting 3 different therapists, they all concluded that I did not have anger management issues. I NEVER EVER had anger management issues. And while I have some insecurities (just like you do and everybody else does), I have been working on them diligently and now I am better than before in that area. Again, I acknowledge I am not perfect.

The problem is that she doesn't see that it's all in her and not you.

So you first said that the problem was all on her, not in me. Now it turns out that now the problem is all in me. I am not asking you to defend me. I am not asking you to defend her. I am asking for mature, respectful, and consistent advice.

Why does she need to go with you? They're YOUR problems not hers. The anger, insecurity, etc. is generated by you and aren't caused by your W.

Just because she thinks I have issues, doesn't mean that she is 100% right. And how can you conclude that my anger is generated by me? So, if I get in your face and started to yell at you for any reason, would you not get angry?

She had issues in her past that had NOTHING to do with me. But whenever she asked me to join her therapy sessions, I never hesitated to go with her. As a husband, I need to be there for her. I need to be her rescuer, her "sanctifier", and her "satisfier." So let me ask you a question, is it correct for your spouse to decline your invitation to one of your therapy sessions but then you MUST attend one of her sessions? At that point I already attended several sessions with her therapist. I only asked her to join ONE of my sessions. In fact, a good therapist will see both sides of the story to determine what the real issue in the relationship is.

"But I refuse to admit things that I know I didn’t do. "
Like what? Just because YOU didn't think you were wrong, doesn't mean that it wasn't. That's just your pride talking.

When it comes to certain things that she says, I don't think I’m not wrong, I know I am not wrong. Again, this ONLY applies to some things that she said about me. Now, I see that you asked the question "Like what?" So here is an example: The day after the incident at the beach, she decided to divorce me. In order for me to regain her love, I stopped communicating with my immediate family and friends. I receive counseling from a mutual married couple that knows us for a while. I also received calls from her friends that gave me their advice. I stopped attending our church and started going to a different church in which nobody knew who I was or my background. I remained disconnected for almost 3 months. The reason I did this is because I wanted to protect her reputation from others and to concentrate in fixing things. She asked me to leave my family behind and chose her. First, I let her vent out at me for everything that happened without interrupting her or arguing with her (to this day I still do). I acknowledged every single mistake that I did (she even thank me for acknowledging all of my mistakes) and acknowledged her valid claims. I got on my knees while crying and asked her for forgiveness. I wrote 4 hand-written apology letters, one of them had four pages. I made a list of all of my mistakes. I acknowledged things that were not 100% true and things that I didn't even do. Again, it is better to be happy than to win an argument with your W. I brought her favorite flowers, and I once made a custom bouquet of flowers that had a specific meaning; from deep apology to the re-birth of our marriage. I kept cooking breakfast for her, I brought her favorite snacks, and I would compliment her every morning, as I usually did. I proposed her to go to couples therapy as a start in our rebuilding process. She agreed to go. But this is where things started to go more downhill. In the therapy she told the therapist that I would constantly abuse her physically. To be more specific, she claims that I punched her repeatedly and that I grabbed her by the neck whenever I get mad. This, my friend, is a complete lie. She not only told all of this to the therapist, she told these lies to her family and her friends. In fact, her family does not believe her side of the story. After this she refused to continue with the therapy. It is so curious that she used to accuse her exBF of being an abuser...see the pattern? She also said that I intentionally lied about her regarding the situation at the beach. According to her, I abandoned her at the beach. Again, this is another lie. THEREFORE, I refuse to admit things (these things) that I know I didn’t do.

"I still love her, but I am convinced that I tried my best."
Not sure what you mean. You haven't fixed any of the issues that landed you here in the first place, so I don't know what you actually "tried".

This statement is answered in the previous paragraph. And according to you, Mr. Bond, what are the issues that "landed me here in the first place?" After all, I am here to look for advice, not to be punished by being faulty and left without any sort of advice. That’s what my W does to me anyways :-P.
I truly hope I answered your questions. I am not perfect, and I am not pretending to be. I’m just trying to be a better person each day. Have a good night, gentleman.