Unlike all the girls I knew who thought Captain Kirk was hot stuff, I was ALL about Mr. Spock.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I'm now working on a response to Ms. Wonka's latest email. You'd think I am studying for the finals if you saw my desk right now! Jeepers! It is just a response...Wonka.
Not going any further as the site chopped of my replies to many threads here last Friday and still not feeling too sure it is "all systems to go" yet. I'm not liking the IT folks the DB people contracted with to initiate the purge and change. That's is my only criticism of the IT contractors that is doing the "change" over the last so-called 48 hours.
Unlike all the girls I knew who thought Captain Kirk was hot stuff, I was ALL about Mr. Spock.
Neither of them pushed my buttons like Scotty did. I guess I appreciated a fellow "fixer."
I'm not liking the IT folks, either.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I've had a lot going on IRL and I just accepted an invitation to join the Board of a domestic violence organization. More stuff on my plate...what am I thinking here??! Ah...such is life's choices.
Over the past several days, I've spent time looking at my draft response to Ms. Wonka and pulled out my trusty pink-glitter Sharpie to edit some sections that did not meet my criteria (see previous post). With some changes and/or additions, I've reached the final version that I feel comfortable with at this point. Not yet hit the send button.
I'm posting it here for the Peanut Gallery to take an objective look at this and give me some pointers if some parts make no sense or doesn't seem to fit in at all.
Here we go! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi Ms. Wonka,
As I indicated earlier, I am now getting back to you.
First of all, I appreciate your effort to open more dialogue between the two of us. I can only imagine that sharing your thoughts cannot be easy at all for you and it is helpful to know your perspective on certain matters.
In regards to your comments about OWName, I can see how you would think that “it is a one-way friendship.” I wish to reiterate that I did and do acknowledge OWName. I think your approach was very off-putting in that it, to me, came across as trying to strong arm me into accepting something that I am very uncomfortable with. This was made abundantly clear to you in my previous communications.
This recent communication from you about this very particular topic came across as demanding and insistent to me. To me, that particular type of communication was a turn-off. As I relayed to you that there will be some subjects that we will not be able to discuss freely and this is one of them. There will be times when we may not necessarily agree on some issues. In my mind, being able to show mutual respect for some differences will be the foundation of any friendship.
This whole process was mystifying to me as you appeared to want to hold all the cards to clearly define the friendship and then chastise me for thinking/seeing things differently. How’s that helping the healing process and opening up the lines of communication? You stated to me to “trust the process”…it is difficult when I am seeing some harsh and in-your face communications emanating from you. All of this comes across as a bull in a china shop…a bit hot-headed response that appears to be quite contrary to the person that I remember as being calm and pretty level-headed.
Granted, I do recognize that we pretty much had zero communications for almost 10 years and this is a new uncharted territory for the both of us. I do see quite clearly that we are attempting to build bridges each from our own sides which, to me, is a positive thing in our favor. From my vantage point of view, friendship is a partnership, not a monopoly.
At this point, I am not sure how all of this will unfold. Our friendship will never be the same as before. It’s forever altered.
I will try to answer the same question you asked: What do I want from Ms. Wonka?
For me, what I would like to see from you is respectful communications that are constructive, positive, and supportive that will be beneficial for the two of us that are the hallmark of a mutually supportive (within reason) and respectful friendship. I am sure there will be some bumps along the way. However, I am receptive to exchanging some information about some of our interests.
I would appreciate your patience, understanding, and respect for this process.
Thank you for listening and trying to keep the lines of communication open.
The only thing I'd add at the bottom is something along the lines of, "And if there is something I say that makes you uncomfortable, I'd certainly appreciate if you bring it to my attention because I want this to be a 2 way street."
Let her know that it's something you expect to do with her too.
Good luck- Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Mwah, Bets! Thanks a bunch...did add that last line as you suggested. We shall see how that does down with Ms. Wonka...probably in a month or so if her pattern is any indication.
Hi Wonka. I have read many of your posts. I respect them very much. I usually don't journey out of MLC, but tonight I did and happened upon your thread.
It is funny how, for me, maybe I forget that the vets may still struggle with some of these things still. I guess I was hoping that I would eventually move past this and forget about it. I knew deep down that was nearly impossible, since we have kids. There will be graduations, weddings, grandkids. Ugh, just typing that gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. Things I dreamed about doing together. Things we talked about. Ok... moving on...
Anyway, honestly, it was such a relief to read you reaction to OW. I'm sorry, I don't mean that to sound insensitive. I know it is a tough thing for you. But I struggle with this. I don't think I could ever respect hww (ow) either. But the truth is, she will always have a presence in my life. She was (and is) pregnant with my h's baby (now xh). So she will have my kids' sibling. I hate that. Not only does it take away from me being the "mother of his children".... well... whatever... it irrelevant.
I am relieved to hear you, someone I respect, feel like, forget it! I am not going to EVER respect this person, accept her, or have a r with her.
Not that I ever would, but I just know it is a long haul with this.
Well, anyway, best of luck to you, Wonka. I will continue to read your advice to others. It is quite valuable to many.
The gift of this process is that if you do it right (introspection and hard work), you become aware of how you feel and how you act, and how to find balance in life. I remember when Wonka first got here, and she's put in the time and effort to understand how to be authentic. And by authentic I mean true to how you feel without projecting and taking the sting or perception of punishment when stating those feelings. It can be a tightrope.
I've also met many people along the way who have traveled the path you described. Some have very contentious R's with their former spouses. Some call a truce. And some manage to find a mutually respectable path that works for the parties involved. But the ones I know who have felt at peace share one thing in common: they choose to take the higher road at all times. It doesn't mean negating how you feel. It just means putting aside those feelings to act in a manner that is more loving.
I have a really good friend IRL who I met here long ago. Two days after their D was final, her XH got remarried and the OW was already pregnant. She felt ill and wasn't sure how she was going to navigate. But the path became crystal clear when her now S21 came to her very anxious. He has always been her protector - the man of the house - though she never cast him in that role. It was a role he felt was his. Anyway, he was tearful and told her how he was torn. Torn because the baby was proof of his father's infidelity and lies, but the flip side was that the baby would be his sibling, and he felt it wasn't his problem that his parents were complete a*holes. Then she knew. And she told her son that she wanted him to love his sibling.
This little boy is now 8 and very sad. His parents are still self absorbed a*holes. Last year, her kids picked up their little brother to do something with him, and brought him home for dinner (Mom had long ago accepted this kiddo.) He sat down at their table and told them that he wished he was their real brother and that he wanted to come live with them. Her heart broke into a million pieces. And she told him that he was always welcome in her house.
I'll tell you that it just made her R with her kids all the tighter. They see their mom as the total rock star she is. She's now an empty nester and finding out more about what that means to her. She's one of the most balanced people I know.
So what I can say to any of you here is that if you completely focus on the person you *want* to become, the answers are always there. My personal choice is to periodically ask what I'd want people to etch on my tombstone. It kinda keeps me focused on that path. I'd want my kids to really and truly feel that I was their rock star in a tough situation.
And yet, here I am. I started dating last year (not this year, LOL), and after a very, very long hiatus from these boards, came back to sort things through with the others down in our world. There seems to be some unplanned insecurity with that process. Go figure. This year, I don't have any bandwidth for dating, so I'm just around to learn from everyone else. Our kids all seem to be about the same ages now, and I can learn from them. Plus it gives us the chance to coach some folks here who need a little support and wisdom from having traveled the path too.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
