DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[Joe1981]

Thanks guys.
Bob, I know your intentions were good. As rough a go as this has been, the vets have been awesome. They kick my butt when needed.

25yearsmlc, I actually did take labug's comments pretty much as you believe she intended. I've been doing my best to self-reflect and have seen that, when my wife goes crazy on me, she usually has a pretty good reason. I also think back to comments made by Mach1 back in my first thread.

He said that her anger is necessary. She has to unload for not only my recent infractions, but also all the times in the past when she swept her frustrations under the rug instead of continuing to fight.

Her angriest times have been when I have done the stupidest things and/or not owned my actions. When I try to excuse myself or justify my actions, it sets her off.

I also am not just saying I'm ok w/ her anger. When/if we get to the point of piecing, it will be something a request I make of her. I'm not in the position to make requests right now. My focus now is on doing the right things, and when I do make a mistake, to face it like a man.

[Joe1981]

The current state of things:
Convinced my parents to help w/ private school even though it's not my dad's religion. (They help my siblings w/ their kids' private school too.)

W got in touch w/ a friend who works at the school we want him to go to. Found out the 5K program is full. Since the OW from my EA is sending her son there too, my W is not ok w/ it. I'm very worried this could be the kids of death. But I'm not quitting.

Pray for me.

[labug]

25yearsmlc is right. I jumped to a conclusion based on a bias formed by my situation. It was not only unfair but emotionally dangerous for Joe.

labug I apologize.

Joe--Listen to the experts.

I don't take many things personally. I appreciate the apology. 25 pretty much covered everything.

Bob, we do see things through out own personal lens, dragging our baggage behind us. That's great insight on your part. What can you do with that?

I want people to reconcile their marriages if they can have a healthy marriage that allows their children to feel safe and protected and loved.

An "intact" marriage is not necessarily a healthy marriage.

It's all about perspective.

I want to highlight this:
IF Joe's wife really is as physically abusive as he said and if this is typical at all for her, heck yes that would need some intervention.

((Imagine if Joe were "Josephine" and his wife were the husband, breaking down a door to get to her...

and just so you know, we've seen assaults on this board, and at least 2 suicides...so we take violent behavior seriously, but we also take mood swings and distorted perspectives seriously too.)))

[labug]

One more and done, Joe, but I want to add, I was raised in a home that was sometimes scary because of the anger. That experience controlled me for a lot of my life until I was finally able to name it and get beyond it. I think 25 has a similar story.

I'd like for children to be spared that experience and for the adults in their lives to realize how it may be affecting them.

Thanks.

[Joe1981]

The prolonged absence was due to leaving for camping with my kids and family half a day earlier than I planned to. Things are complicated...

The school thing is a major road block. She is not OK w/ S5 going to school with the son of the OW from my foolish brief EA. I agree with her on that one too. The really crap thing is that the private school we wanted to send him to is full.

The next plan is to try to transfer him to another school in the same school district. I'm a teacher in the district, so I have high priority in the transfer process, but the only other school our daycare can transport to also looks like it is full. I think I may still be able to swing this, but it's going to be an uphill struggle.

I don't know that the school thing will be a deal breaker, but she says it will. In the short-term, it can give me a shot at moving towards piecing. If it goes wrong, it will be a long time until anything can go in the positive direction.

I WILL not give up...even if things go poorly with the school thing. I sense that she wants things to work with the schools right now so we might be able to start working towards fixing things.

Camping was fun...up until S5 fell and got a big gash in his arm and we had to drive him an hour to an immediate care clinic. My W was not very cool with that situation because she wasn't loving that we were so far away from a city. She's not much for camping. The upside is that he is OK and I dealt with everything and I think she sees that I can handle things when I have to.

I'm also hoping it reinforces the feelings that our family is best off together, not split up because the kids need both of us full time.

Anyone figure out a rewind button for life yet? Oh well, learning more about myself and life every day.

[Joe1981]

So today, aside from doing all of the laundry from having the kids camping, I'm trying to work up a plan to persuade the district folks in charge of student transfers to commit to allowing my son to transfer before the first day of school.

This summer is starting to wear on me. I so badly just a hug or something from my W. She has been nicer and I think will consider starting the road to recovery if we can get this school thing dealt with, but I so badly need warmth or affection.

My tank is on empty. I'll be OK, I'm just voicing how this is hard. GAL is goin OK, but not enough yet.

[Jw1934]

Joe, you are feeling exactly like I am.. Tank empty and all I want is to feel the touch of my W.. not sex, just the warm feeling of her holding me in a hug or even holding my hand.. I so miss it.. Its's been almost two months since I said I love you to her or she said it to me and man, do I miss it severely. I really hope you can start a new relationship with your W and it works out great for you.. God bless you

[Joe1981]

JW, you summed that up exactly. We went to dinner as a family on Friday, and I so badly wanted to just hold her hand while if drove. And last night, after the kids and I got back from camping, I really wanted to hug her goodnight.

[25yearsmlc]

So today, aside from doing all of the laundry from having the kids camping, I'm trying to work up a plan to persuade the district folks in charge of student transfers to commit to allowing my son to transfer before the first day of school.

I'm doing something similar for our d17 b/c of a bad situation she had last year. Though it's a drag, it's not exactly draining me. So I doubt that is what is really bothering you. I mean, this is a "normal life" thing...right? I already did laundry and prepared tonight's dinner...

So unless the laundry and a school form are a lot more than you typically do in a day (not saying you were tooting your horn, but it did not sound like any big deal, then I wondered if it was, for you...?)
So I was asking - what is REALLY bugging you b/c I doubt it's this "day to day" stuff.


This summer is starting to wear on me. I so badly just a hug or something from my W. She has been nicer and I think will consider starting the road to recovery if we can get this school thing dealt with, but I so badly need warmth or affection.


Well...first, Did you say you read "Co Dependent No More"? It would probably be helpful to you b/c I think you link your day to day joy and happiness with your perception of your wife's approval of you. IN fact I know you have...and I hope you will work on that, b/c Joe, it's NOT healthy, and Joe, I have to share something else with you...

you do not sound manly or strong or confident, when you speak that way; you just sound really needy, clingy, too lonely & immature to bring much to the table and in short, that's a really big turn off.

I don't mean to be a bitch to you at all. I truly apologize if that hurt you

(though I do hope it woke you up a bit).

See, like my h, I'm am Army veteran. Also obviously a military wife and my h & I have been apart for several months at a time, more than once, INCLUDING when one of us is in a combat zone. First Gulf War and then more recently in A-stan.
I was gone for 4 months once, with ZERO contact with ANY family...SIGH

Later, When h was gone to A-stan, I always had a free floating angst about real life & death danger to him, and it was nearly 24/7 fear eating at me.... not to mention fleeting thoughts about OW's and affairs (war brings out intense feelings and that can lead to flings).

As for hugs & affection (and sex)...? Joe, my h was in A=ghan for 18 months with a single 2 week break therein.

No...we did not get / give many hugs to/from each other. But we handled it. I don't think he had an A and I KNOW I didn't and I also know I had a lot of opportunities to do so.

BTW SIDE NOTE---

(I was disappointed in how many men would pursue me, knowing h was away at war. It's wrong for a lot of reasons, but it seems like a betrayal of fellow citizens, a thing "no man ought to do to another man", you know? But I digress)

We got thru it. So can you. & You are not alone. Aside from a TON of marriages going thru rocky times now, there are couples who are torn apart for other reasons like I just mentioned.


So if I were to put this in "tough love" terms, I'd say "Grow up, man up, IT could be a LOT worse Joe, ETC.. and for a lot of us it HAS been worse."


My tank is on empty. I'll be OK, I'm just voicing how this is hard. GAL is goin OK, but not enough yet.

GAL more Joe...a lot more. (Did I give you my list of GAL?)

Work the DB program or the DB program won't work.

And get some perspective. A summer of no hugs...Joe, at least shes not yelling at you or banging on a door and cursing at you. Geez, how'd you survive all that if THIS gets to you so much?

You have more than one love tank. Go hug your kids and hug them back.

Sorry Joe but today, that's all I have for you....that and to ask how your IC os going?

You really are too dependent on your w. Even if the m were fulfilling, it's not fair to HER to place the responsibility for how you feel about life and yourself, all on her shoulders. (It's also not appealing, or healthy)

Do you get that? So what is another way for you to meet NEW & well adjusted folks? Do you make friends easily? IF so, Let's focus on that...(If not, let's focus on that even more, come to think of it).

oh, and here...HUGS ((((( )))))

[Joe1981]

I guess I'm coming across as super-whiny. This wasn't really my intention. I was just trying to get back into the flow of posting here.

The school thing wasn't a stress in terms of the paperwork, my W did that on Monday. The stress there is trying to utilize my connections in district to make it happen. That and the gravity of actually getting him into the other school since this will not go well if W sees the OW at the school we're boundaried for.

I've also been smart enough to not voice my neediness to my W at all. I haven't tried to hold her hand, hug her, or anything like that. I've stayed away from starting any R talk, she knows where I stand.

The funny thing is, I'm actually doing much better at not needing her approval to feel good about me. I'm getting to where I feel pretty ok about me.

I think I'm just trying to get the sad off my chest here so I can avoid it when she's around.

I do appreciate the perspective you provide, though. A few months isn't REALLY that long. I'm admittedly low on emotional resources. IC is tomorrow evening.