Do you have any boundaries? It wouldn't be surprising if you didn't. Or that you let transgressions go because "Oh, it really doesn't bother me that much" while smiling and presenting your best face to the world.
Think about what you want to convey to him. Is it your anger, is it a boundary for the future? Is it both. How can you best do that?
Do you have any boundaries? It wouldn't be surprising if you didn't. Or that you let transgressions go because "Oh, it really doesn't bother me that much" while smiling and presenting your best face to the world.
And dying inside.
What do I want to convey? I think I just want to convey that I am done. I have been as kind and compassionate as I possibly can be. I deeply, deeply believe that the man is in the midst of a midlife crisis. But, crisis or not, I have sacrificed more than I probably should, and I have some pretty major rebuilding to do. But I don't think I want to convey that to him. I just want to say, "Stop acting like this is normal and okay. It's not normal and okay. It's never been normal and okay. I've had enough so go do your thing but don't try to engage me."
Very tricky. I'm not asking him to move. If he wants to - fine. I'm not asking for a divorce - I really don't want to do that, either. I just want him to stop expecting me to lavish him with flirty messages and physical attention and I don't want to hear it or feel it anymore.
Boundaries? We had 21 years of practice with no boundaries. We knew each other's passwords. We talked all the time. It felt like yin and yang.
Since he established this "friendship" I've thrown up some weak boundaries. No texting or emailing her while I'm in the room (which was rampant at the beginning, but he has honored since then). No discussing of the relationship. I've told him that ultimately there will be NC with her...He has told me he thinks we can go back to monogamy, but that he and she will always be friends.
He's picked her. He did a long time ago. I get it now. I guess I always had gotten it, but had hoped that the affair would fade and he would come to his senses. 10 months later there's no sign of that.
This conversation will be for me. It will not be to change him or his mind. I have no idea what the future holds for either of us.
For what it's worth, I think these things take longer to fade when they're long distance (as yours is, and mine was), because reality takes much, much longer to intrude.
It is sad, and sordid, and stupid. He's picked her FOR NOW, because he hasn't yet paid for his choice. But it sounds like he's about to.
HUGS.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
FWIW - I don't think it has anything to do with picking her over you. It has to do with him choosing to pursue a fantasy life versus a real one at this point in his life.
When you do talk to him, the most important thing to do is to look him in the eye and talk to him straight up. No yelling or getting agitated. Just cold and stick to the facts.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It doesn't have to be a big confrontation. You can quietly say to him something like, I'm very sad that the marriage I thought we had is over. I feel hurt and disrespected by our current situation and I can't continue in it, I can't be in a M with 3 people.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
