Today the radio was playing the song "Carry On" by Crosby, Stills, and Nash (I don't think Young was with them yet...). GREAT lyrics, and a song I've loved forever and ever.
"One morning I woke up and I knew you were gone; A new day, a new way, and new eyes to see the dawn; Go your way, I'll go mine - carry on.
The sky is clearing and the night has gone out; The sun (son?) he come, the world to soften up; Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on."
This song is about detaching! Rejoice! We have no choice but to carry on!
Here's a link to my original thread (which was getting long) MLP Thread 1
So...I'm in a little bit of a different boat because I have a clinging boomerang on my hands. My MLC WAH is at home, which carries with it its own set of challenges. I've struggled with boundaries somewhat, particularly physical ones. We also have two teenaged children who recognize that dad is moody ("Whoa - who is on his man-period?" asked 13S once recently), but for whom I am trying to maintain a fairly normalized household. Challenging!
Since I found DR and DB, I have not discussed his EA/PA with him AT ALL. I've done a few 180s, which I admit have meant conceding to do things with him that I didn't do before (he always wanted me to play an online game with him, and I never would....now I do. I admit it's kind of fun!). Other 180s include not showing him the crying mess that I was for a while. I've also stopped having expectations of him. "I'm going for a walk in the national park. Do you want to come?" He can come if he wants. He can stay home and play his video game if he wants. I don't care. I get my walk! The boy and I are going to play frisbee. Want to play? (He had a temper tantrum about this - seriously...because he wanted us all to play the video game. I calmly said we'd play after frisbee. We played. He joined us. He ultimately said it was fun. Yeah - okay.)
I've STOPPED doing a lot of things I used to do for him (another 180!). There used to be reminders of stuff he needed to do: get a haircut, fill out certain paperwork, etc. etc. There are natural consequences for not doing those things, and he can feel those.
I don't engage him in conversation as much anymore. He's in la-la land, so I don't think he even notices. Occasionally he'll emerge just long enough to ask me a personal question (which takes me by surprise). But as a general result, conversations that we have revolve around him and his MLC world of bizarre-o-land.
So - the detachment is gradual, but it does make me feel better. I have longer strings of days where I'm not panicking anymore. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, knowing he's going to do what he's going to do. If necessary, more boundaries will be set up--it's definitely something that I'm starting to understand the value of. But for now, things are tolerable. Far from perfect, but tolerable.
My heart aches for everyone here. I know that the journey is awful...And it's hard for those of us in the MLC boat to even believe that we're here. "Who are you and what have you done with my spouse!" I felt that way for months. Now I know that the old guy isn't coming back. I hope the new guy is better. We just need time....
Detach. Find friends. Get individual counseling. Take care of yourself (eating and exercising and sleeping). Know that the universe is unfolding as it should.
Thanks MLP for that . Your posts always inspire . You have a great attitude . I wish I was as strong as you . I feel very weak and beaten up more often than i feel strong . A month ago it only took one or two positive words or actions to get me through . Now it seems like i need them all day just to keep the bad feelings at bay .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Keep in mind there is a lot of "Fake it 'til you make it" going on here. Sometimes I think that I try to sound strong to convince myself that I'm strong, too. It's working!
But, when I started smiling at people out in the world and they smiled back - that was a great salve to my spirit.
There is a LOT to be said for getting out into the world and meeting new people and doing new things to take your mind off of the crazy that is home right now. Give it a try!
I hope you go out and give and get lots of smiles today.
Thanks Em . Im always happy to read your posts and replies . They truly make me feel better and inspire me to keep trying and dont give up . Its just seems so weird to detach in order to keep trying to save my marriage . It truly is all i think about sometimes . And i cant handle any negativity towards doing what im doing . Trying to save this marriage is my main goal and putting my self first is proving the most difficult of tasks
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I'm so glad to know that my posts make you feel better!
And I KNOW it's counterintuitive, but BELIEVE it. I can tell you for a fact, that when I finally stopped asking about the OW, when I finally stopped checking in on him at work and sending him messages, when I finally stopped having R talks---THAT'S when he started to reconnect. More importantly (and seriously -- this is more important) it's when I started to feel better about myself. Don't detach to make her do something. Detach because it's healthier and happier FOR YOU.
There was a very telling time on a recent family vacation. We were all on the beach--my parents and siblings and their kids....And people headed back to the house for lunch. H didn't move--he was staring at the sea. And I just left him there. He needed to stare at the sea and sit in whatever brain space he was in. Before I would have asked him what was wrong and cajoled him to come back. No more. He's got to do this all by himself.
He's IMing me right now. He wants to know how my day is going.
Anyway - truly try not to pursue. Truly do things for YOURSELF - because you deserve them! Believe that doing things for you will make you feel better. When you feel better, you will be more attractive. Put out positive energy to attract positive energy. And trust that you're on the right path for you...You didn't ask to be here, and you wouldn't have picked it - but it's where you are. Make the best of it!
Now - I'm off to run 4 miles in 30 minutes. (WOOO! I'M A WARRIOR! GET SOME! LOL!)
Nice post MLP. My MLC WAH is still at home, too (for now) and my teens are certainly feeling his moodiness. It's nice to hear that you are doing well and that you are doing it for you. It's inspiring.
MLP, your attitude is excellent! You obviously have a wonderful outlook and perspective on life. I could not agree more that this is a journey our spouse's have to travel on their own, at their own pace. It's hard to be patient, but it's the only way to get through with your sanity (somewhat) intact. Keep up those positive changes, lady!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
H was shaving this morning and grumbled that we hadn't cut his hair. (He mentioned last week that he had a meeting on Wednesday for which he needed a haircut. I waited for him to tell me when a good time was over the weekend or in the evening. He never "made an appointment.")
Then he said, "I don't know if I have any lunch plans today....I had totally forgotten about my lunch meeting on Monday...."
(Fog fog fog...)
Anyway - I suspect that OW is in our city today. Mindreading. BAD MLP!
Detaching now. Off to yoga where I will dedicate my practice to integrity and compassion.
His own drama about a hair cut should be his. Hands mlp a big shiney z, here's one I prepared earlier, let it sparkle and shine thru your day. Regardless of how fake a z is the shine is still there being bright and pretty.
Shine on mlp.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
