Had a setback.. I decided to detach harder and move back in room in basement. My W has been still cold toward me and it feels weird to lay in bed beside her and put my arm around her and get no feedback.. ZERO. She told me last night that it was ok for me to hold her but don't expect anything from her as a feedback, no emotion, no holding my hand, nothing. I explained I was not looking for sex, just wanted to feel her touch. I am a touch person as per 5LL book and she knows. I decided that it was a better relationship while I was further detached and I felt better about myself. She pursued me more while I detached and I truly think it is the better way to go right now. She seems to put no effort in fixing herself and says she will wait to work on it when we meet with Michelle at end of month. Just sits around and plays solitare on iPad.
Actually, I think detaching in the way you are isn't going to help. Think about it this way. You think that to get her to be more physical to you, you should remove yourself physically from her. Doesn't make sense.
Forget about your "physical" LL for now. What did you do to attract your W to go out with you when you were first going out? I know it's been a long time, but it's time to do something different.
In what way have you "changed" that would make her see you as someone new?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I just thought that I rushed back from detachment too soon. As for changes, she said when I was diagnosed with PD I was mean and even more controlling . I have really mellowed and do not show any anger, I help around the house with chores much more and put her needs first. Never did this stuff before. 25 years ago I wooed her and courted her with gifts and spent every extra minute with her. She talks with coach tonite at 7 o we will see how that goes
I just thought that I rushed back from detachment too soon.
Do you see retreating to the basement as detaching? I am not the best in describing detachment. I believe I understand it, but to find the right words to paint the picture to a hurt & confused LBS....not so good. Some word I may use could give you the completely wrong idea. So, I am going to copy & paste a piece that "25yrs" passes around to others. It's a little long but it's the best description I have seen so far. Please read it through to the end.
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded when we are not detached enough -- and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another.
We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal and it is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want, so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Here is another piece on Detachment which MAY clear it up some for you...
2). What is detachment?
Detachment is the: * Ability to allow S (spouse) the freedom to be himself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix my S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be himself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Willingness to accept that I cannot change or control or "fix" S. Admitting that it is not my job, duty or even loving, to try and change/control or "fix" my S.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from S, to whom I have previously given a lot of power to affect my emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent, in order that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for S's failure or faltering. Allow S to experience & learn from failure, without my judgement or comment.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective, recognizing that there Can be a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from involvement with S.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions, even if their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he "really is" rather than who I "want him to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by S who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Very interesting.. I did move into the basement bedroom to give her space and leave her feel more comfortable, not to avoid conflict. I am trying to GAL and not be dependant on her being there for my happiness, or me for hers.
You left the bedroom because YOU felt uncomfortable. Maybe you couldn't handle the perceived tension. Maybe you started growing resentful. Whatever the reason, you shouldn't leave the bedroom in my opinion.
You need to control your impulses.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I did feel uncomfortable,, because she said she was.. There was tension and I did not want to deal with it. With my Parkingsons I am sleep deprived getting only 2-3 hrs sleep a night for the past few years and really did not want conflict. I am trying hard to change and normally would have lashed out years ago, so my 180 is to walk away instead of getting into it..based this on the book you recommended to her to read as I read it too and the author stated that it was much better than standing toe to toe. So was what I did wrong...really appreciate your input.
I'm tired.. mentally whipped. Last night I thought about giving up and moving on. I don't know if I can keep going like this. How some of you have done it for months and months or even years amazes me.. I don't think I am strong enough to detach and not feel any love from my W. It just tears me up and I want it over..
Here's the thing: the pain doesn't go away if you give up. Seriously - what happens when you say out loud, "I quit." Nothing. You still hurt.
What happens when you step away from your relationship without saying "I quit." Just step away from it. Do something for yourself. Get a life. You feel a little better. And you haven't given up on anything. See?
Detaching may feel like you're telling your wife, "I quit," but it's not. Detaching is for you. It's a chance for you to get some space away from the thing that is causing you pain. It's a chance for you to get out of your head and into the things that make you feel happy and alive. When you are happy and alive, you are a better version of you - and that's good. It's good for you, and it may be interesting to W.
And working on the things that made you not so great of a spouse/person before? Well - you should do that anyway - whether or not your relationship survives.
Does this make sense?
Don't give up. The pain you feel is understandable and real - we all get it. But acknowledge it and then figure out how to step away from it into the light. Do it for you.
