Congratulations. This is definitely a good step, but you are smart to approach it cautiously. I will let the vets be the one to give advice. I just wanted to drop in with support
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks, rppfl! Things continue to improve here. We've had some really tough, awkward conversations about the A and the breakdown in our marriage. They have been calm and helped us both to feel more secure in our decision to keep fighting for our M.
I hate to admit this, but I did break my snooping rule. I don't fully trust yet, so I've double checked that things are still blocked on his phone. They are, thank goodness! He's also blocked a coworker who I consider to be "not a friend" of our marriage. I told him it was important to me and he followed through. At this point, I'm really thankful for the positive progress we are making.
In one of my more insecure moments , I asked why he came clean and his response was that he could no longer live with the guilt. He expected me to throw him out and not look back. I guess my response really did surprise him.
There really can be hope if you focus on fixing yourself and becoming a confident person your spouse wants to share their life with. Keep up the DB everyone. It really works!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I think if you're at this stage it isn't snooping....Just my .02 from all I've read about recovery from infidelity. You've set a boundary and you want to make sure he's keeping it. You looking is probably helping him, too.
Well, it was a major step back tonight. H has been great the last couple of weeks. Really putting effort into our R and making sure he was checking in regularly. Fridays have been our bad day over the course of the last 6 months though. Today was the first one he'd been home for since he admitted the A and decided to work on our M. He reverted back to being distant and I could sense that something was up.
He told me he was out for drinks with a few buddies. That was true, but he omitted that his female coworker was also with them. Since I had a feeling something was up, I checked his email and found correspondence today between them that indicated she was the OW. I forwarded it to my email so he couldn't deny it. He lied about her identity when he disclosed the A a few weeks ago.
This is not DB approved, but I could not bury my head in the sand. I decided to go to where he was for confirmation. I stopped by the bar and OW was there with him and a few other coworkers. She was the only woman. He actually asked me if I wanted to have a drink. I wanted to ask him if he was delusional, but instead I calmly I asked if I could talk to him in private for a minute. I stated that I knew he had lied. I showed him the email and told him that I was not willing to have an open marriage. I also told him that I would no longer keep quiet if I thought he was doing something detrimental to our R.I told him that he had two choices:
1. Cut off all contact with OW outside of required work things and be completely transparent/honest with me.
2. Pack his stuff and go.
We agreed we were not going to solve the issue in that setting, so we parted ways and he said he'd see me at home.
After putting S2 to bed, he asked if we could talk. He admitted (not that he could deny it) that he'd lied about the OW. He said he'd been trying to break things off with OW for the last month, which was consistent with what I'd read in the emails. I'm still beyond pissed that he lied. Especially, since I was fairly certain they had something going on and he tried to downplay it as just inappropriate talk.
Maybe I'm crazy for still wanting to save our M. I'm trying to think of what actions I need to see from him in order to rebuild trust. He now knows I will look if I think he's being less than transparent. He made the comment that I've become quite the sleuth. This may be mind reading, but he actually seemed impressed that I was holding him accountable.
He also commented on how much I'd been focusing on self improvement. His opinion is that it's unnecessary because I'm already a good person. I appreciate that he thinks that. On the other hand, I don't need his words to validate me. I already know I'm a good person and I deserve respect; not the hot and cold treatment he's been giving me the past 6 months.
It's weird, I've barely shed a tear over the betrayal. H commented that OW left the bar in tears because he told her that he was done and she needed to leave him alone. He then said "You probably left in tears, too." No, I did not. I left angry.
Heavy, heavy, thoughts on my mind tonight. It appears we both want to work on our M. Only time will tell if he's actually sincere, I guess. Thank the lord I have IC this week. I need to talk this through with a neutral party.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I need to unleash some feelings from the past month. Overall, things have drastically improved. H has really been trying to show me that he's committed to our M with actions and words. During the A, H showed me very little affection and was mostly cold and distant. I'm happy to report that is, for the most part, no longer the case.
Unfortunately, H did have a relapse in terms of communicating with the OW last week. I found the emails and confronted him about it. He was having a rough time dealing with his parents and used her as a sounding board. He told me he did it because he wanted an opinion from someone not connected to his family. The other topics were about her moving on and starting to date someone, which is good news. They did make comments about missing each other and wanting to stay friends though. I told him that in general it is good to have friends outside our M, but that OW is no longer an acceptable friend, if he is going to stay in our M, since their R crossed the line. He agreed and sent her a NC email stating that he is committed to me and our M and cannot have any interactions with her except for those relating to work. He also deleted the email account they used for correspondence in front of me, to reassure me that it was over.
I feel like I'm back in crazy, obsessive mode now. We were doing so well moving forward. I obviously know he cares about her and that he had strong feelings which will take awhile to completely go away. I told him the other night that I sometimes feel that he cares more about OW's feeling than he does mine. He told me that was not true, but he understood why I have felt that way. In fairness to him, he has been apologizing and taking full responsibility for his actions. He also told me he'd start briefing me every day after work on any interactions they have, regardless of what they are about.
The hardest part is realizing that he'd still rather confide in her than me. He told me that even though I've been much more supportive he's still struggling with letting me in at times. I am really trying to focus on just listening and validating what he does say. In some ways, he's been telling me a lot, but I know he's still holding back in other ways. I sometimes worry that he stayed only because things got so out of his control. He has told me that he considered leaving me, which was no surprise. He said he also considered leaving OW either way. So I guess, in a weird way, that makes me feel a little better.
He did suggest we start MC when we move in a few weeks. I know there are a lot of positive signs and I need to focus on those. He is showing affection, being accountable for where he is, taking a more active roll with our child, apologizing for being selfish and causing me pain, and talking about our future. This is a journey and I cannot expect it to be fixed overnight. Patience, patience, patience.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
