Well... First MC session went about as well as could be expected. It's pretty clear how/why W went from her post-vacation mindset of "We're not there yet but we're on the right track" to "I'm done and don't think I'll ever be 'in love' with you again". She has a TON of resentment and anger (I dare say rage) and hostility about the past...the first 6 years or so of our marriage during which she felt like she was working and working to have a good relationship while feeling like I was doing nothing.
Not sure if MC is going to fix this, but at least she's willing to go to session #2. Unfortunately that's until week after next.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I've been reflecting a lot upon our first MC session. W made a point of noting during it that she didn't believe anything was going to change her mind, but that she was there because she had reluctantly agreed that if there was the slimmest chance MC would change anything then she "supposed it was worth it."
W's "homework" for our next session is to compose a list of all of my transgressions during the course of the marriage...all of the things that she was hurt by, angry about, and resentful over so that she could communicate them to me. I gather this is because there is a lengthy list of items, some of which I'm aware of but some I am undoubtedly not, and one of W's issues is having bottled all of this stuff up until it metastasized. W said in the session she doesn't allow herself to feel anger and instead bottles it all up, and I read a great description from one of the vets here on the boards about what happens when a person does that.
Absent in this first MC session was any discussion of the things that W had done that I was hurt by/resentful over. Certainly didn't seem the right time to start addressing that. I'm not sure what the right time for that will be--if there really will be a right time at all...my tact has been to let go of the past and focus on our present behavior. At the very least I think it would be wise for the time being to focus on W's "complaints". I certainly don't want to get into any tit-for-tat type of disagreements. So I primarily listened to and validated what W had to say, and owned my "stuff". W did admit to contributing to our problems by being conflict-avoidant and not letting me know how hurt/angry she was by any given thing that I did. But man... she was bringing up stuff from like 10 years ago that I thought we had addressed and put to bed.
It's weird though, the nature of the wall W has built up around her. As I've mentioned numerous times, she went from being sure we were on the path to reconciliation to being sure we're completely done and that nothing will change her mind...and yet...she will still come to me and ask me for comfort... Two or three times yesterday evening she asked me to come hug her, she wanted me to massage her when we went to bed. I don't know if that's some form of cake-eating, or if she's just getting what she can while she still can, or if I'm just not fully understanding whatever battle she might be fighting in her head.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Been thinking a lot about our 11-year anniversary, which is coming up in just a couple of weeks. Funny, at this time last year I thought we were on the right track and well on our way to a solid future together. We usually go away to a cabin in the woods each year to celebrate, but I guess we'll be skipping that this year...I certainly didn't make the arrangements this year...didn't seem like it would be wise.
W hasn't had anything to say about our MC session or her "homework" assignment, and I haven't asked.
W came home from work last night in a good mood. Said it had been slow all day but that she'd had a good time because she worked with a friend that she's not usually scheduled with. She gave me what she calls a "jump-up hug" when she came in...you know, jumped up into my arms and wrapped her legs around my waist, and said "let's have date night at home tonight," which for us means making dinner and hanging out on the patio together while the kids entertain themselves. Sounded great to me and I said "sure", but I'm not really sure what to make of it since two days earlier she was saying she was done and that she doesn't think anything will change her mind. I guess what I need to be vigilant about is taking things at face value and not assigning any deeper meaning to them.
W mentioned this morning that it was getting to feel like Ren Fest weather (she's a huge Ren Fest nerd, one of the things I love about her), and without really thinking about it I said we should go weekend after next. She responded "Definitely...It's a date." Again, seems great that she responded so enthusiastically...but seems weird in light of what she last had to say about her feelings regarding the M. So yet again, face value etc etc. The day we go to the Ren Fest will be a couple of days after our anniversary, so I guess if we were to celebrate it at all, that would be how...but I'm not confident I should be framing it like that...either to myself or to her.
Not sure how to handle the upcoming anniversary really. From a DB perspective it almost seems like making as little note of it as possible is the way to go...but knowing my wife, that could actually work against me. I had already bought her a small but sentimental gift a while back, before things fell apart. I think it might be best to get her a card and give her the gift, and treat her to a day at the Ren Fest. I don't know...I'm going to have to think about how to best navigate this.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Recapping for myself to help give me a lay of the land...
W told me about a week and a half ago that despite previously feeling like we were on our way to reconciling, she now felt like she was never going to feel in love with me again and that she planned on moving out, at least temporarily, to clear her head and be away from me for a while.
Two days later, W came home from her IC session and without any in-depth discussion told me that it was a good session and that she wanted me to make an appointment with a MC we had been referred to by my IC.
Just under a week later we had our first MC session. During this MC session W said she was there because she felt like if there was the slimmest chance that it might help then it might be worth it, particularly because of our kids, but she also said in her heart she didn't really believe MC was going to change her feelings about being done with this marriage.
Also in our MC session, W said she sees the work that I've done and that she truly believes my changes are real and permanent, but that it's just too late. She said she is happy for me, because she sees the benefits my changes have bestowed upon me, but that it also makes her VERY angry that it took her being done and wanting a divorce for those changes to happen.
W is also still VERY angry abouy a whole laundry list of things that have happened over the course of our marriage. Most (maybe even all) of them we have discussed at one point or another, but the anger and the pain and the unhappiness are all still there and apparently pretty fresh for her. She said she truly believes I am not the same person that caused her that pain anymore, and that for the past 6 months or so I have been the husband she always wanted, but that her wall is up and she just isn't in love with me any more, and she doesn't believe that wall is ever coming down. She said the marriage has been too much work and she is exhausted and tired of trying.
The sort of...irony...here is that we get along great. Probably better now than at any other point in our marriage. We've gone out more, we've had people over more often, she confides in me and I in her...we have a relationship that is seemingly closer and friendlier than those of the people around us who ostensibly are not having marital problems, and yet... W says the love, the romantic love, just isn't there for her. And I know she has been in touch with a lawyer, although I'm not sure in what capacity.
And yet, she still does and says things that by most accounts would seem like good signs. She still wants some physical contact (although certainly not sexual), she wants to spend time together, she comes to me for hugs and comfort all the time (I initiate NONE of that these days). I in fact have been working under the assumption that she is going to leave any day now...that's been my assumption since March when she told me that was her plan. She just hasn't. Yet.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So, two things (at least) that I've noticed I'm dwelling on, that I need to take steps to change (change the fact that I'm dwelling on them that is).
One is that W said she is moving out...that she MUST move out to get some distance from me and clarity regarding our sitch, but nothing has been said about actually moving out since then. I have to fight the urge to ask her what's going on regarding that.
The other is that I know she has been speaking off and on with a lawyer, and when she first apprised me of this (she came home from an IC session and said her IC had suggested she contact one and had given her some contact info and that she had indeed called) she said she would keep me in the loop regarding what she was discussing/legalities in order to keep our split as open-book and amicable as possible. Since that initial call however, W hasn't mentioned any of her ongoing contact with the lawyer. I only know about it because she apparently discusses it with her father, who for better or worse typically clues me in on what W tells him. He doesn't tell me particulars (and I don't ask), but he'll say things like "I saw W and she told me she spoke with the lawyer again today..." So I've been fighting the urge to ask W what's going on regarding that.
There is a part of me that is making the HUGE assumption that W deciding she would go to MC and not having moved out yet are merely legal maneuvers. I don't like that I'm thinking that way... I feel like I shouldn't be focusing on that at all... but the past couple of days it's been hard not to. Definitely something I'm struggling with.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
One thing I need to keep reminding myself... that I need to be vigilant about, is that whatever negative thoughts or emotions I'm having at any given time, they will pass. Maybe not right away, but eventually, and I must not act on them.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Well, against my better judgment I allowed myself to have a little bit of a relationship talk with W today at her request. Nothing too heavy but she did want to "check in" and see where I/we are. I was kind of surprised because she almost never initiates this type of conversation (of course neither do I these days), but apparently since neither of us has discussed the MC appointment over the past few days since we had it, she was wondering what I thought about some of the things she had to say in the session. I tried to keep it short and sweet and said that while I felt like I was aware of most of what I had done to hurt her during our marriage, I obviously had not realized the depth/extent of that pain, and for that I was sincerely sorry.
Probably shouldn't have taken the opportunity, but I did try to do a little fact finding and asked her if she had had any further contact with the lawyer she had told me her IC had put her in touch with. Kind of bothered me that she lied and said "no", but I didn't let on that my FIL had already told me she was in semi-regular contact with the lawyer. I guess the real point is to not ask questions like that in the first place.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
For months upon months I've been feeling like there is a piece to this puzzle I'm missing. W has admitted several times that she often behaves like someone who is having an affair, but has sworn up and down in the past that she's not and never has. Perfect example is I caught her in a lie a few weeks ago...well, I didn't exactly catch her because I didn't really do anything... W called me to say she had just gotten off work, but what she didn't know is that her boss had texted me two hours prior to say that W had left work without her phone and wanted to let me know so that W would know where her phone was.
Well, last night, the pieces finally came together. A coworker of hers accidentally blew W's cover and it turns out that for the past 7 months or so W has been blowing our money on cocaine. Going out to the bars several times a week, meeting up with her dealer (feels so weird writing that), getting drunk and wired and then coming home after I've gone to sleep. Got confirmation from W herself after she first denied denied and denied it some more. Certainly makes a lot of things make sense now. Not even sure how much of the truth I know, because looking back I can now see that W has often covered up one lie with another one. For all I know she's b@nging this guy in addition to buying coke from him. She's already on meds for depression and anxiety and isn't even supposed to be drinking while on them; throwing coke on top of that 3 or 4 days a week sure can't be good.
Meanwhile her IC and her lawyer have been advising her without either knowing anything about all of this.
Don't see much on the boards here about drug abuse/addiction...didn't even see too much about in the DR and DB books.
Really not sure how to proceed...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
And she's been cheating on me for the past 10 months too. Yay! The fun never stops!
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Man... the hits just keep coming. Turns out she's cheated on me with 6 different people over the course of our entire marriage. Had to drag it out of her after confirming the most recent affair. Ex-boyfriends. People she's met at bars.
She always swore up and down that she was a "good girl" when she went out and that she never has and never would cheat. Now she's saying she's never been faithful to anyone in her life and this is just what she does in every relationship she's ever been in.
Not sure I want to bother trying to save this marriage anymore. I'd be damn certain if there weren't two innocent kids involved.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
