Welcome to the boards. I cannot offer you any real advice because this is a completely different situation than the one I am and the advice given to you already is so great.
I will say you almost exactly mirror my parents who also have a 30+ year marriage. My mom got ill, lost her job, but her already low self-confidence hit rock bottom these last few years. My dad doesn't have a drinking issue, but a gaming addiction. This may not sound bad but imagine having no contact with your husband because he refuses to leave his game day in and day out. He blames my mom for their poor financial situation and ignores the fact she has any physical problems.
My dad also did not like to show emotions and said he could live fine without my mom. That was until she attempted suicide years back...he was crying for the first time I've ever seen him. When she came out of the hospital everything went back to normal and that bugged me.
I think I am constantly frustrated and worried at the same time for my mom. It has to be incredibly hard to evoke changes after 30+ years. But I realize after moving out a lot of her poor self esteem issues and doormat attitude really implemented bad habits in my own relationship. It really does effect children.
I love my parents and would never want to see them divorced. But above that I love my mom and it kills me everytime I see her die more and more inside. I try to get her to live for herself but she kind of pushes it as being nothing. I think as a child you want to see your parent happy before you see the marriage happy.
In essence I am so glad you are taking those first steps to change. It is incredibly hard to change routine lifestyles, and change a relationship with someone who is pretty much set in their ways. But I will keep hoping you continue on this path and that in the process you might better yourself and your family as a whole.
Most definitely! I fine trait I picked up from having the mother that I have...lol.
Edited to add:
Another reason I avoid conflict is that I really get nowhere with him when we have conflicts. His way of 'arguing,' is to shut me down. He will get angry with me if I express dissatisfaction or anger. Also, he does the passive-aggressive silent treatment if he is angry with me. So, in the long run it is better to suck it up, than to be ignored.
HMMM so you are choosing to divorce rather than have conflict?
Sounds like another conflict avoider move to me.
OH - and FTR I am a CONFLICT AVOIDER too, actually I would propose that most LBS's are in that boat.
Lost - One of my adult daughters has come to me recently and talked to me about how bad things have been lately (my other two live far away and aren't seeing any of it). She mentioned how hard it is for her to watch him being so short and mean to me. I'm not sure what to say to her. It is hard as a parent to talk to your kids about such grown up issues as marital problems. You spend most of your parenting years trying to shield your kids from things like that (we never really fought in front of them). I'm far from trying suicide, but I can relate to the dying inside little by little. The hardest part being that I am limited in the body I live in. Do you find that it helped your mom to know that she does mean something to your dad? I think that would help me out a lot. Coming as close as I did to dying, there was little emotion seen from him (he prides himself on being able to 'control' them). I sometimes wonder if I had died, would he have cried? I mostly feel like, no, he wouldn't.
Thanks for your words...it helps to hear from your perspective.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
cadet - I'm so afraid of where the conflict might take us. Whenever we go through any disagreement, his response is to shut down and that is often very painful for me. So...I avoid it. Of course, I realize that divorce as a way to avoid conflict is not productive either. I guess that is why I'm here. I don't want to divorce, I love him, but I just don't know how to resolve this. My aunt has been married to my very belligerent, alcoholic uncle for 50 years. I once asked her how has she been able to do it. Her response was, "better the devil you know." They basically live separate lives, and to me that seems more painful than getting to know a different 'devil.' Reading above about the consequences of any actions I might take, has me thinking (worried). I guess I need to purchase the divorce remedy also. It certainly seems like I have a lot of homework to do.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Well, I'm back after a couple of weeks of reading and thinking. I decided to have a conversation with him, mainly about the state of our relationship. I don't know how to rate how productive the talk was, but at least we talked.
* I brought up maybe trying counseling, or couples classes, to which he gave no answer. * I brought up the state of our sex life, to which he gave no answer. I suggested how much my state of well-being could be improved by our engaging in intimacy regularly (i.e. it lowers cortisol, raises oxytocin, helps with regulating hormones, pain, etc.) I just don't understand with all the benefits he would get out of it, why he isn't banging me all the freakin time!! He gets angry at me when I am sad, sex helps with depression... * He said there needs to be changes in order to fix our relationship: 1) clean off the stairs (I keep things there because I deal with chronic pain and it is easier than going up and down the stairs to get something) 2) clean out the bread basket (it collects junk other than bread) 3) clean out the fridge (although there are two families using it & I just did) 4) stop my 7-year-old grandson from running through the house (how, how do you make a kid with adhd stop running?). And, these things are just the beginning, there is more that he has yet to tell me. * I brought up how concerned I am about his drinking. He drinks a handle of whiskey about every 4-5 days. * We talked about our daughter living in the house. He wants her out (at this point, they do not like each other). She has lived here for 2 years after having to move back in. She has since gotten a really good job (good enough to have her kicked off of ANY assistance), finally gotten her credit back in check (long story, my fault), and is currently looking for a place that she can afford. She found a 1 bedroom apartment for about $1100 a month, but it will mean she has to drop her health insurance. She's since asked us to evict her, which will put her at the top of the list for assisted housing, which she is currently at the very bottom of because she makes too much money. * He told me that it is my fault that our relationship is not well, that I am the reason he is so unhappy, that I am uncaring, deceitful, that I am using him for financial well-being, I am sabotaging his life, and that I don't respect him.
The next evening, because I couldn't sleep, I brought the entire thing up again. He told me no to the counseling. He told me that I dictate everything, and that will stop (i.e. which lights are on in the house, the fans, the cats (?)). He 'fired' me from doing the finances, because I'm dictating where the money goes, although we just went to a financial adviser and he knows there is no room for anything other than what he saw on paper. btw: he spends over $600 a month on lunches out, golfing, alcohol, and gasoline. After about an hour, he finally started being a little more loving, and suggested we make an appointment for intimacy. I agreed and we said sometime this weekend. Well, he got so s***-faced last night that he passed out on his chair and he is gone most of the day today to spend time with a Buddhist buddy of his.
I'm sitting here feeling little hope, and I am embarrassed because I essentially begged for sex. Ugh!
My daughter has just recently begun to talk to me about his drinking. I try to avoid talking about it with her because I know it would piss him off to know we are. She wants me to talk to my IC about things. She said it makes her very upset to see how he is emotionally manipulating and abusing me. She thinks he is gross (he has let himself and his hygiene go), and that I should divorce him, get disability, and move on with my life. I've told her I don't want to talk to her about these things, but she keeps bringing it up. All I can think about is how much it would piss him off, and how he would think I was being disloyal & disrespectful to him by talking to her (and you fine people).
I'm at a loss. I want the boy back that I married. The guy I fell in love with when I was 14. The boy that adored me and thought it was cool that I took care of things. The man who didn't resent me for taking charge, getting sick and failing on my part of our plan, and who understands how hard it is for our daughter to make her way out in the world without the help from those who love her (btw: the baby-dad is completely out of the picture and she gets no help from him at all).
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it out there by myself. I don't have the energy or strength to take on the world, and I'm drowning in depression!
Last edited by booklvr; 07/20/1406:35 PM.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Yesterday's post should not have happened. I was hurting and alone. Is there some way to delete it?
I just don't know how to proceed.
He doesn't want counseling. He isn't willing to change. He is making demands for a fix. He won't tell, or show, me that he wants me. Of course, he won't tell me he wants out either.
It hurts to continue on this way, but I don't want to walk away. I don't see things working well until he stops drinking, and I'm not sure that will happen. I don't think he sees it as a problem.
Where do I start? If I spend all my time on myself, I'm still being neglected, which is what is hurting most. I only have a good 4-5 hours of productivity during the day, if that. Everyday I have to make a choice of what I'll be doing. If I choose to exercise, that is my day. If I choose to take care of paperwork/finances/phone calls, that is my day. If I choose to clean the house, that is my day. If I choose to run errands, or if I have appointments, that is my whole day. This is now how my life is. I've gone from someone who could go from 6 a.m. till 11 p.m. every day to being someone who is limited.
How am I suppose to do all this by myself? I want my marriage back, but he is so stubborn and I'm not sure I have the strength to fight for it all by myself.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
