Well what I want to suggest first is that you need to FIX yourself first, before you work on your marriage.
Yes what you wrote is enabling.
I can also suggest finding a book called Codependent No More - Melody Beattie.
I met a woman last week about my age, she has been married three times, all to people like your husband. Please tell me what the common denominator is here?
Why does she keep picking out the same type of people and expecting different results?
You already have a history of two, your father and your husband.
Do you understand what I see here?
Now I am not blaming YOU for their drinking.
And understand I don't have an alcoholic parent or spouse. But I am starting to see my own co-dependent behaviors, with the cards that keep getting dealt to me.
You have a great advantage in that you can start to work on those things before you end your relationship and go into another bad one.
First, your illness wasn't you letting anyone down. Have some compassion for yourself. We have this wacky mindset that somehow we control our illnesses-we don't. If your H believes that, he'll just have to live life unhappy about all the things he can't control.
I had to have the "your drinking is a problem for me" talk with my H, although I didn't do it quite that artfully.
Have you ever gone to AlAnon? It took a long time for me to get there but when I did, I wondered why I waited. You might want to get some support there before you have the talk.
You have no control over his drinking. You only control you.
It's OK to not want to live with someone who is in active addiction. As I said above, we only control ourselves and so we can only save ourselves.
((( ))) I wish you the best.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug - Thanks for the reminder about self compassion. This is certainly a topic that comes up with my IC quite a bit. I am way too hard on myself. Although I know my illness started because of nothing I did to myself, I still can't help feeling weak for having gotten sick. I have not gone to AlAnon, but have thought about it. I'm going to take a look today to see if there is a meeting near my home, and earlier in the day (I'm pretty worthless by evening time).
Cadet - I've heard of that co-dependent book, I'm gonna take a look at my library and see if they have it on their selves. I'm a little unsure of which of my behaviors is actually the co-dependent ones. My husband tells me that my wanting to be needed is co-dependent and he believes that being needed is a bad thing. He says I should be striving for inter-dependence. I guess I need to spend a little more time trying to understand the difference between the two, and my desire to be needed by him.
Also, at this point, although I understand that I can only change myself, I'm not sure what that means in the context of my recovery from my illness, learning how to live with the limits my body has, and well, getting a life. It is all very taxing on my already low energy level. I guess I have more work to do with my IC.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Bug and I are both huge aficianados of Al Anon. It literally helped me see my role in my nuclear family. I have a brother who is now a 46 year old heroin junkie, and as long as I kept playing the role I was cast, I was enabling. And the worst part is that I was MISERABLE playing that role. Good for you on seeking out a group. If you don't like the dynamics, continue to shop around for a group that does. It took me 3 tries and I wound up having to drive 30 minutes to go to that meeting. But the people who were part of that group really resonated with me.
I also strongly suggest you read Divorce Remedy. You need to understand that while it might offer relief in one area of your life, it's like a barrel of monkeys... consequences you haven't considered and thought through. I think you *should* read what MWD has to say on the topic before you do anything. Knowledge is power. Make a commitment to yourself that before you do anything big, you do the necessary work to plan through the consequence possibilities.
That being said, I also don't think that you owe it to anyone to stay in a marriage that is fueled by addictions, abuse or neglect. As long as those issues stand on their own and aren't propped up by YOUR actions and words.
Quote:
My husband tells me that my wanting to be needed is co-dependent and he believes that being needed is a bad thing. He says I should be striving for inter-dependence. I guess I need to spend a little more time trying to understand the difference between the two, and my desire to be needed by him.
He's right, BL. The need has to be a healthy type. You might have to do some soul searching to differentiate between being needed and being wanted. There is a huge difference.
And as living proof, I want to point out to you how damn difficult it is to date in your 50s. I can promise you that it's a lot tougher than it was in my 20s and 30s. The good fish in this pool are hard to find.
Have you done any work on understanding why you are so tough on yourself? Bug and I were once in your shoes, and we both had different origins on it, though there is a lot of commonality. Bug, slap me if I'm wrong, but I can speak for myself that the things I spoke as the "truth" were often very far from it. I chose only to see things through my distorted lens. Once I actually saw things from other perspectives, it was nothing short of devastating.
So are you willing to do some hard work on yourself to figure this out?
Good luck- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bug, slap me if I'm wrong, but I can speak for myself that the things I spoke as the "truth" were often very far from it. I chose only to see things through my distorted lens. Once I actually saw things from other perspectives, it was nothing short of devastating.
I agree with this 100%. I had so much fear which colored all my Rs, all my reactions, all my thoughts.
Do go to an AlAnon group that's close to you but if it doesn't work, keep searching. I traveled all around my city finding good fits. I had 3 groups I liked to attend which was good since I have a work schedule that makes it difficult to go to a mtg on consistent days and times.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's been a week since I've been here. In that week, I've begun reading SSW and Codependent no more, and I've order the 5LL. I've had some ups and downs, but have been working on trying to stay calm and mainly think things through. It has been difficult though, mostly because the longer we go without sex, the more depressed I become. I know that he is using porn, and it is killing me that he has no problem running to his computer rather to me, especially if I'm there. I've considered going to my doctor to increase the dosage on my anti-depressant (I'm getting profoundly sad), but that is not the fix I want.
I do have one thought about the reading so far, and I want to ask a question:
The author's definition of Codependency reads..."A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
I agree with the first part of this definition about the affect of his behavior, but I firmly reject the second half. I am not "obsessed" with controlling his behavior. I'm too old, and have been married way too long to obsess with controlling anything, especially a person, not to mention, I simply don't have the energy to try. Yes, I am affected by his behavior, and yes, I am obsessed with 'wanting' a change, but not controlling. I know that there is codependency going on here, but I'm not sure how to recognize it exactly. I guess my questions are: is there codependency without controlling? How do you recognize codependency v. two people who are deeply connected?
Also, I looked into Al-Anon meetings, but I think I'm going to have trouble locating anything I can join until September. I have my grandson everyday, during the day, and I cannot join anything that meets in the evening because of my health issues, I am worthless at night. Also, I live in a very rural, dark, flippin cold place, so night activities are very limited (for me).
Thanks for listening!
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Our 30th anniversary is next week, and I have no motivation to celebrate it. My enthusiasm and happiness about this event is overshadowed by my depression. To date, we have no plans. We talked about going to a B&B, which we've done for the 'big' anniversaries (10, 15, 20 & 25), I haven't made any reservations though. There was a place in particular that he wanted to go, but I'm not crazy about that location. I would like to find a beach (a real beach), I haven't seen the ocean in over 2 years now. He's not crazy about the beach, and he's been twice in the last year for golfing trips.
Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions? How to celebrate without feeling the celebratory mood, and what we might think about doing? Help!!
Last edited by booklvr; 07/03/1402:31 PM.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Most definitely! I fine trait I picked up from having the mother that I have...lol.
Edited to add:
Another reason I avoid conflict is that I really get nowhere with him when we have conflicts. His way of 'arguing,' is to shut me down. He will get angry with me if I express dissatisfaction or anger. Also, he does the passive-aggressive silent treatment if he is angry with me. So, in the long run it is better to suck it up, than to be ignored.
Last edited by booklvr; 07/03/1403:11 PM.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
